The Wacky Adventures of Spike and Buffybot
by mr. monkeybottoms
Summary: Warren makes a Buffybot, and wouldn't you know it, it ends up at a frat party. Starts off in 'Where the Wild Things Are' and goes from there. This is, of course a S/B ship, with a Buffybot thrown into the mix. FINAL CHAPTER NOW UP, THANKS FOR READING!
1. Chapter One

DISCLAIMERS: So, I'm spying on Joss, you know, just kinda peering into his windows and stuff, when the next thing I know this cop is tapping me on my shoulder. He's all, 'Please come with me, Miss.' I tried to explain to him that Joss and I had a love that couldn't be denied, a love that spanned the ages, but he cuffed me and off I went to the big house for the night. I met up with Faith inside, and tried to talk her into springing me free by using her slayer strength to bend the bars at the window, but she was playing it cool, all pretending like she didn't know what I was talking about. She was really good at it too, screaming, 'My name is Gen you freak! Get away from me!!' Wow, those slayers sure are crafty! Joss didn't come bail me out, I guess he was busy planning that weekend away together at the bed and breakfast. I'm still waiting for my royalty checks from the last fic I wrote...sigh, we are so much in love!

THANK YOUS: To everyone who read and reviewed 'Spike Lips! Lips of Spike!', I say a massive thanks. And now, thanks for reading this one. I really really hope you enjoy it. I have to give mega thanks to Bub, she helped me with starting this fic. I had a different story at first, but as I wrote it, all the Spike and Buffybot scenes weren't so much sexy as they were disturbing and creepy. I was about to throw it in the trash when she gave me some great ideas, and of course, much encouragement. Thank you Bub!

SO...WHAT'S THIS ABOUT AGAIN??: Remember that episode in season 4, with the frat house and the crazy sex and stuff? 'Where the Wild Things Are.' Well, things are a little different, seeing as how I am throwing the Buffybot into the mix. And no, she is NOT wearing that horrid outfit they had the Buffybot in. My god, what were they thinking on that move? Wardrobe was hammered that day, obviously.

************************************************************************************************************************************************

"You are gonna be perfect." Warren picked up the screwdriver and tightened a wire, frowning. "This may be my best work to date. All that spying on the Slayer was worth it to create you." He closed the lid and pulled the shirt back down, coming around to look at his robot. He peered closely at her. "Does that feel better now?"

Eyes opened and focused. "Yes. I can see clearly now."

"Perfect." Warren grinned, pleased. "Absolutely perfect. If I didn't know better I'd say I was looking at Buffy Summers."

The Buffybot smiled. "But I _am_ Buffy Summers, silly." She rolled her eyes. "I'm the Slayer!"

"Yes you are." Warren leaned closer, about to kiss her, but stopped when she didn't respond. "I haven't started you imprint program. Huh, musta slipped my mind." He laughed a little to himself, shaking his head. "It's why I built you for, after all."

"I'm the Slayer." Buffybot repeated. "It's dark. I have to slay." Warren nodded his head.

"Yeah, I know. You're the Slayer, but you're my toy." His eyes traveled up the bot's body, lingering appreciatively on her breasts before finally coming to rest on her face. The bot smiled at him. "Slaying will happen, later. Time to imprint, don't you think? I could use some, uh.." He giggled a bit. "Sex."

"That's not in my programming." Buffybot informed him. 

"No, it's not in your programming _now_. But it will be, just as soon as I give you the start-up code." Warren rummaged through the mass of papers on his desk. Not finding what he was looking for, he grew increasingly annoyed. "Oh...where is that book?" He looked up at the basement stairs. "MOM!"

"What?" A voice called down.

"Did you touch the stuff on my desk?"

"I moved some stuff when I was dusting...."

Warren huffed, stomping up the steps. "Mom! How many times do I have to tell you? Don't touch my stuff! Last time you moved my limited edition Spiderman issue number two and I couldn't find it for a whole week! Do you know what kind of hell that was for me...?" His voice grew faint as he climbed the stairs.

Buffybot blinked. "I have to slay." She said, looking at the growing darkness out the tiny basement window. "It's getting dark. Vampires come out when it's dark." She looked at the leather jacket draped over a chair and picked it up. "Ooh! Pretty." She said, slipping it over her shoulders. "I have to stop evil!" She marched up the stairs and into the night.

Buffybot walked briskly, making her way to the closest cemetery. Sure enough, she found trouble as soon as she got there. 

"Look! Evil bloodsuckers!" She cried to no one in particular, pointing to the newly risen vamp still climbing out of it's grave. "You're dust, buddy!" 

She ran towards it, stake in hand. The vamp turned at the sound of her voice and ducked, getting a stake in the shoulder instead of the chest. It snarled as Buffybot yanked it out and swung again, this time hitting her mark. The vamp was dusted before it could even get all the way out of the earth. 

"Ha! Take that, nasty bloodsucker. Don't mess with Buffy Summers!" Buffybot chirped, brushing vampdust off her arms. She looked around, but the place was quiet. Not a vamp in sight. Buffybot paused and read her programming quickly.

_Program1: Slaying_

-stake vampires

-kill demons

-protect the innocent

-look hot while fighting

"I need to find more evil. And look hot while fighting this evil." Buffybot sighed and continued on her way, flipping her hair in a way that looked damn sexy, as informed by her programming. She did a sweep of the graveyard, dusting three more vamps and cracking the neck of a rather nasty Kiranch demon. It's mate, however, took one look at the scene and abandoned the sobbing young woman it was about to eat, taking off through the headstones without a backwards glance.

"Sorry I have to leave. I hope you feel better tomorrow." Buffybot said to the girl and gave chase. "I have an nasty demon to kill."

The Kiranch was terribly fast but Buffybot was just as fast. Faster even. She ran hard, catching up with it just as it reached the Sunnydale campus, jumping on it's back and sending the two of them to the ground. It rolled, pinning her under it's scaly body.

"Ooof." Buffybot panted. "How am I going to look attractive if I'm all squished and broken?" She shoved hard, sending it flying into a nearby bush and jumped up, checking her outfit. Pointing to a large grass stain she frowned. "This is NOT hot!"

The Kiranch lumbered up slowly, blinking grass and leaves out of it's large eyes. Buffybot kicked it hard and it went down again. Picking up a huge branch she brought it down on it's head with a satisfying 'crunch'. "Take that! Horrid stinky monster-type thing!" She beat it over the head until it fell to the ground, twitching. "Eeew." She mashed it one more time and it stilled. Remembering that she was supposed to look attractive while killing she pressed the branch between her breasts and panted heavily, striking a pose. 

Laughter from the distance made her look up. People were milling about a frat house, shouting and drinking and generally having a great time. Buffybot smiled at the sight and dropped the branch to the ground.

"Ooh! People." Her programming kicked in again.

__

Program 6: Partying

-drink beer

-dance slutty

"I need to dance!" Buffybot trotted off to the frat house.

********************

Xander wandered around the party, still feeling the sting from his earlier fight with Anya. He liked sex as much as the next guy. More! He liked sex _more_ than the next guy. Sex with Anya was always amazing, and now she was freaking out over one night of non-sexual activity. He sighed. Anya was a difficult girlfriend.

A redhead was standing near the trophy case, looking over the various awards. Xander smiled at her, feeling the need to flirt and reassure himself of his manliness. Well, kinda manliness anyways. Leaning in, he read the inscription on one of the trophies. "_'Lowell house. 1962_'."

"Yes." The girl smiled at him and he continued, encouraged by her not screaming and running away. 

"Um, just, you know, impressing you with my knowledge of local history. Or my knowledge of reading." He was on a roll now, she was smiling more and turning towards him.

"You didn't even have to sound anything out." She teased. 

Xander shrugged. "You should see me add short columns of small numbers."

"Hello Xander!"

He turned to see Buffy standing there, a bottle of beer in her hand. "Oh! Hey Buff." He eyed the beer. "You, uh...drinking? You're drinking of the beer category? What about 'beer, bad'?"

Buffybot smiled widely. "Beer isn't bad. Beer is what you do at a party." She bent the bottle to her lips and drank deeply, chugging the last half easily. Xander's eyes bugged, the redhead forgotten.

Buffybot lowered the bottle and scanned the girl beside Xander. "You're not Anya." She said, turning to Xander. "Anya is your girlfriend. You have sex. All the time! Where is Anya?"

"Uh, Buffy..." He looked around to see his prospect for new romance leaving and sighed. "The last time you drank..." He trailed off, remembering how Buffy had sniffed at him. "Uh..."

"I need to dance." Buffybot looked around. "Where is the dance floor?"

"Dance floor?" Xander gave Buffy a look. "Where's Riley?"

Buffybot paused, going through her files.

_Name search: Riley_

Riley Finn

-teacher's assistant

-member of the Initiative

-dating

-big loser

-giant lummox

-insult and break up with him

"Riley's head is too big, and he grins like an idiot." Buffybot said, making Xander choke.

"What?" He took the bottle away from Buffy and sniffed it suspiciously. "Are you sure this beer isn't enchanted?"

"The beer is not enchanted." Buffybot said. "It's Coor's Lite!"

"Mmmm. Well, it is less filling." Xander said. "I don't know about the 'tastes great' part though..." He trailed off as Buffy turned and walked down the hall. "Buff, wait up!"

"I have to dance." Buffybot repeated, and gave Xander a large smile. "At a party you dance and drink beer." 

__

********************

__

Buffy watched Riley from across the room, feeling restless. In the last few days her appetite for him had increased tenfold, and tonight it seemed even stronger than before. The need for him was growing every minute he was away from her. Riley looked up from his friends and over at her. She immediately made her way to him, smiling.

"Hey, uh, can we-" She pointed upstairs vaguely, "I, um, need you to take a look at an ... essay, for ... class." She gave him a look and his eyes widened.

"That ... essay, right. Here." He shoved his glass blindly in the direction of one of his friends. " I'll catch you guys in a minute, uh, essay ... gotta look at..." Buffy was pulling him away and he abandoned trying to make a complete sentence, the two disappearing up the stairs, much to the amusement of Riley's friends.

Five minutes later, Buffy re-appeared from the steps, Xander in tow. Riley's friends raised their eyebrows at each other. 

"Riley's a bit of a minute-man, hey?" One said and grinned widely, nudging the other in the ribs. 

"Makes you wonder why she was so eager to get him upstairs..." Two answered, laughing. He took a swing of his beer and frowned. "Hey, my drink's low, let's go find some more." They took off to the nearest keg, passing by Xander and Buffybot with a wink.

"That man had a twitch." Buffybot said, looking after him in concern. "He may be a demon. I should check it out."

Xander grabbed her shoulder. "It's called 'winking' Buffy. Geeze, don't tell me it's been that long since a guy's flirted with you. Cause, very flirtable!" Xander smiled at her, trying to make her feel better.

"I know about flirting. It's in my programming." Buffybot smiled coyly and fluttered her eyes, making Xander back up a bit. 

"Uh, yeah, flirting....in the Days of Yore maybe. Or the wild wild west."

"Anya's here." Buffybot said suddenly, pointing over his shoulder. "Are you going to go have sex now? She's an ex-vengeance demon." 

Xander grimaced. "You're right, maybe not having sex with her was a bad idea. I was just kinda tired that night after all the shoveling cement that day and....wait, how did you know about-" He broke off, seeing who Anya was with. "She brought Spike! Spike! She brought the bleached undead here!" He marched over the them, Buffybot trailing behind. Anya saw them coming and stood up straighter.

"Hello Xander." She said coolly, staring him straight in the eye. "How is the not-having-sex lifestyle treating you?" She tilted her head at bit, watching him flush.

"What are you doing?" Xander pointed at Spike beside her. "Spike? You come to the party you know I'll be at with this?"

"Hey." Spike said, semi-offended. He noticed Buffy standing beside Xander and gave her a nod. "Looks like you're all tied up with the Slayer here to even notice what the little ex-girlfriend is up to." He waited for Buffy to get angry and maybe insult him like she always did, but instead she smiled.

"Oh, I'm not tying him up. I'm drinking beer." Buffybot said, producing another beer and taking a large sip. "We're at a party."

"What?" Spike looked at her, completely thrown off his game. The Slayer was here, and actually having fun? No 'holier than thou' attitude tonight? Maybe she's had one too many. He smiled nastily at the thought, picturing her too drunk to resist...anything. Maybe then he could bite her without that sodding chip going off...

"Anya. What are you doing hanging around with Spike?" Xander asked, annoyed. Buffybot heard and looked at Spike, scanning for his name.

_Name search: Spike_

Spike (William the Bloody, Scourge of Europe)

-vampire

-ex-nemesis

-neutered

-has government chip in cerebral cortex

-completely harmless

"Well, she's an ex-demon and he's my ex-nemesis. Maybe they're discussing old times. Don't worry about him, he's completely harmless." She said, touching Xander's elbow soothingly. "I'd stake him if it wasn't for the chip in his brain."

Spike swelled up. "Bloody bitch! Throw it in my face will you?" He turned and stormed off through the crowd, wincing slightly as he pushed a drunken frat boy into a table.

"Maybe you should go after him." Xander said. "He's harmless, but he may start trouble with that mouth of his." Buffybot shrugged.

"Sure!" She gave him another one of her massive smiles and followed Spike through the crowd.

She found him slouched in a chair, nursing a drink and looking sulky. He saw her coming over and groaned loudly, resting his head on the back of the Lay-z-boy in defeat. Raising his hands he sighed.

"Look Slayer, why don't you do us both a favor and get lost? I don't need you busting my chops over a little college drinking. As you have so frequently pointed out, I'm _harmless_. So go away." He grabbed a nearby beer and drank, trying to ignore her. Instead of leaving, however, she sat down in the chair next to him and grinned.

"I'm the Slayer." She said brightly. Spike gave her a look.

"Uh huh." He said, suspicious.

"You're Spike." She continued. He raised his eyebrows at her.

"Right again." 

"We're at a party. I need to dance. Do you want to dance?" Buffybot asked, hearing that someone had finally started up a techno-type dance song. She hopped up and held her hand out to Spike, who stared at it like it was something deadly. 

"You don't want to dance?" Buffybot asked, gyrating slowly in front of him, hips swaying. Spike's mouth tightened.

"What are you playing at here Slayer?" He ground out, watching her run her hands up and down the sides of her breasts and then up above her head. She gave him a sultry look.

"I'm dancing." She answered simply and turned around, placing her bottom rather near his face and shaking it. Turning back, she placed one leg on either side of his lap and threw her head around, hair flung out wildly, breasts bouncing. Spike swallowed.

"Uh..." His hands twitched. 

Buffybot licked her lips and beamed at Spike, who watched her, speechless. "I need a beer." Silently he handed her his and she took it from him, much to his surprise. "Thanks." She tilted it back, sipping. A drop escaped, rolling down her neck. Spike's eyes followed it as it stroked her jugular, down past her collarbone and finally disappearing into the valley between her breasts. She passed the bottle back to Spike, who absentmindedly placed it on the table next to him. His hand knocked against something and he looked over at it. 

"What the-?" He picked up the model, turning it over in his hands, frowning. There was a label on the bottom and he squinted, reading. "_Millennium Falcon. Mos Eisley Spaceport, Docking Bay 94.' _Huh, obviously a bunch of dweebs live here." He tossd the model carelessly over his shoulder and turned back to Buffy. "Now, where were we?"

Buffybot stared at him, her new program activated.

_Program 40: Imprinting_

-start-up code: Millennium Falcon. Mos Eisley Spaceport, Docking Bay 94.

-run program

She blinked, dancing forgotten, and gazed into his blue eyes.

"What's the problem now Slayer?" Spike asked. She didn't answer, to busy downloading.

_Sexual positions_

-missionary

-lotus

-doggie

-wheelbarrow

-jackhammer

-figure eight

-froggie style

Kissing

-01

-02

-03

-04

Modes

-aggressive

-passive

Fantasy Games

-cheerleader

-teacher

-schoolgirl

-babysitter

-Princess Leia

-Queen Amidala

-Dana Scully

"Loading complete. Imprint complete." Buffybot muttered, eyes closing briefly.

__

__


	2. Chapter Two

DISCLAIMERS: So, I'm walking down the street, on my way to buy myself an ice cream cone, when I see Joss standing at the corner, waiting to cross the street. "Hey, Joss!" I call, jogging over to chat with him. He turns, sees me coming, and panics, jumping into traffic, narrowly missing getting hit by a large bus, a truck, and a mini-van. Luckily, he makes it across the street in one piece. I stand at the crosswalk in shock at his daring maneuvers, and he turns and grins at me. I grin back, until I see him whip out his hand and flip me the bird. The guy gave me the finger! I mean, what's HIS problem anyways? "Screw YOU Monkeybottoms!" He screams at me, "No profits for you, stealing my characters! BTVS is all mine!!!! MIIIIIIIINE!" Man, what a freak.

THANKS, Y'ALL: Wow, I was really touched by all your support on the first chapter. And it was sweet to see the comments on my other fic. One person asked me what 'froggie style' was...heh heh. Ok Angela, this is for you: Well, it's when you have your guy on the bottom, (a hard surface like a floor works best) and you are on top. You have your feet on the ground, and your hands beside your feet...kinda like a frog jumping......yes, it's rather crude, but hey, so is Warren. Now, don't go telling your mom where you heard this filth!

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS STORY SUPPOSED TO BE?: So, Warren the perv built a Buffybot. She took off to slay. Found a party and Xander. Confused the crap out of Xander. Missed the real Buffy by a few minutes. The real Buffy was under the house spell and took off to sex it up with Riley. That's the REAL horror! Buffybot found Spike. Danced slutty. Smiled big. Teased Spike. Mmmmm Spike...Spike set off her sexual imprinting code by accident...and so, we continue.

*******************************************************************

"Imprint complete." Buffybot's lashes fluttered as the last of her programming loaded. Spike sat there, frowning at her.

"Hey, Slayer." He sprawled out on the chair some more, giving her a leer. "Going to continue with the dancing or not?" He held out his half-empty beer invitingly. "Mr. Budweiser wants to see some booty. And ole Spike here wants to see some more drinking." 

Buffybot looked at him, scanning her new program.

_Priorities_

-listen to Spike

-obey Spike

-please Spike

-love Spike

-protect Spike

-quote 'Monty Python'

Buffybot took the beer that Spike once again held out to her. Spike wanted her to drink it, so she would. Lifting it to her glossy lips, she drank. And drank. Swallowing the last drop she handed it back to him, pleased. 

"How was that, Spike?" She asked sweetly. He looked at her in amazement.

"Er, fine." He said. The empty was tossed over his shoulder as well, crushing the remains of the Millennium Falcon. "Do you want another? I'm sure we could find some more." He looked around, hoping to get the Slayer really liquored up. 

"Do you want me to drink more?" She asked him. 

Spike paused at the question. "Sure." He answered carefully. 

Buffybot took his hand and he flinched away, expecting her to belt him in the nose as usual, but instead she just pulled him to his feet and towards the kitchen. "I saw more beer in here." She informed him, and sure enough there was a large barrel full of ice filled with all sorts of alcohol. 

"And now for something completely different!" She cried, pulling out a cooler. Spike looked at her blankly. "You see? Different cause I'm drinking a Wildberry cooler instead of a Coor's Lite." She held out the bottle for his approval. He blinked. 

"Right then." He briskly popped the cap off of her drink and nodded. "Go on then, drink up." 

Buffybot gave him a glowing look and promptly downed the entire bottle. "Is that enough?" 

Spike stared at her intently. She didn't look one bit drunk. Maybe her Slayer powers kept her from becoming intoxicated. He watched her sway slowly to the music that had started back up again and shrugged. Obviously the Slayer's powers didn't stop her from acting like a total nutball. Buffybot came close and he backed up. She followed, pushing him into the wall firmly. Now there was the Slayer he knew and hated. 

"Spike?" She asked sweetly. He remained silent, just looking at her. "What would please you the most?"

Spike's eyes widened. "That's easy. To see you die. Preferably slowly and with large amounts of pain and misery."

Buffybot paused for a moment and then shook her head. "Sorry, that's not in my programming."

"Yeah right." Spike scoffed, not bothering to bring up her numerous self-destructive moments to date. He saw a group of college losers sitting at the kitchen table in various states of undress, cards in hand. "Fine, if you won't take a long walk off a short pier than how about you go play some strip poker." He said sarcastically, waving his hand in their direction. Buffybot immediately turned and walked over, sitting down beside a girl in a white lacy bra and jeans. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"Playing poker.' Buffybot said. 

"Oh, I see." Spike said, smirking. "You, Little Miss Prude, are going to play this strip poker game. I suppose you're going to lose and show your yummies to all the frat boys too."

Buffybot nodded seriously, taking in his unknown order and picked up the cards she was dealt. Four kings and a three. She discarded her kings and was promptly dealt four of a kind. "Damn!" Everyone else removed an article of clothing. 

"Nice work Slayer." Spike sat down. "Mind if I join you?"

"I'll do my best to lose." She promised. Spike snorted, taking her words as more Buffy sarcasm.

"Knock yourself out."

Buffybot put her cards down, about to punch herself in the head when she was interrupted by another order. "Go on, deal." Spike said, pushing the cards to her. 

Four rounds later Buffybot was down a shoe and Spike was down a duster. The other players had lost most of their clothing long ago, but neither Buffybot nor Spike cared, not looking anywhere but at their cards or at each other. 

Spike glared at the Slayer, holding his cards up to his nose. "Show your cards." He ordered and Buffybot complied, making him curse loudly. A full house! How did she keep beating him? The cards tucked in his pants weren't doing him any good at all. He angrily moved his hands to his shirt, ready to rip it open in frustration, but stopped at the look of pure excitement on Buffy's face. 

Buffybot watched Spike as he slowly undid the first few buttons and gasped a little when the first glimpse of his chest appeared. Their eyes locked as he paused. Giving her a tiny grin he ripped the shirt open and off his shoulders, baring the rest of his chest for her. She sat there, stunned, not even noticing that the next hand was dealt until he picked up his cards and peeked at them, careful to keep her from seeing them.

"Your move, sweetheart." He murmured and she quickly glanced at them. Curses! A full house, again! Tossing in the three tens, she was appalled when she ended up winning the round with her measly pair of eights. She was never going to be able to complete Spike's order to lose!

Spike stood up and rested his hands on his belt. "Looks like I lost." He said, unbuckling. Buffybot smiled happily, watching. His fingers moved to the button, flicking it open. His eyes burned into hers as he slowly pulled the zipper down, oblivious to the stares of the rest of the table. The black denim was pushed down his hips, showing more and more skin...

"What the hell was that?" Spike paused, looking up at the ceiling, making Buffybot jump up in dismay.

"Nothing. Continue on with your disrobing.' She said, but he stopped and looked at her.

"I hear something....wrong."

The table started to shake, making the other card players jump up in alarm. Drinks spilled, and the cards suddenly flew up, scattering everywhere like snow. Someone screamed and all at once people started panicking, running in all directions. The noise was overwhelming.

"Hey!" 

Buffybot turned to see Spike, thrown down and wrapped up in vines. "Let go of him!" She said, marching over, tearing them off. 

"Buffy!" 

Buffybot turned again, this time to see Willow running up to her, Xander and Anya in tow. "That's me, I'm Buffy!" She said. "Hey!" She pointed to Willow, "I know you!" Quickly, her files popped up.

_Willow Rosenburg_

-best friend since arrival in Sunnydale

-practicing Wicca

-dated a werewolf

-had a crush on Xander Harris

-currently secretly involved with mystery woman: may be bi-sexual

-attempt to kiss her at every opportunity

"Buffy, we have to get out of here!" Willow panted, trying to keep her footing as the floors shifted and groaned. "Something's not right with this house!"

"That's what _I_ said." Spike muttered from behind Buffybot. 

Buffybot put her hand on Willow's shoulder, stroking sweetly, smiling suggestively when Willow turned. Willow looked at her and gave her a tiny nod, smiling back uncertainly.

"Why don't you have a shirt on?" Anya asked Spike, puzzled. 

Her question interrupted Buffybot as she was about to lean into Willow. "We were playing strip poker!" Buffybot informed them, pleased. "Spike has a perfect body!"

Spike's eyebrows rose, but he quickly struck a cocky pose at the looks from the other Scoobies. "What? It's true. I hate to sound immodest, but-"

"Can we drop it with the naked Spike?" Xander demanded, ducking as a lamp whizzed by him, smashing into a wall. "This place is already creepy enough. Buffy, how can we stop this?"

They all looked at Buffybot and she looked back. "I slay." She said. "I can't slay a house, it's not in my programming." She turned to Willow and rubbed her back soothingly. "You're a Wicca. And my best friend!" 

"You're right Buffy." Willow turned to the group excitedly, making Buffybot miss the kiss she'd had lined up. "Maybe I can talk to the spirits, ask them what's up?"

"While you're at it, ask them what's up with Harris' shirt." Spike grumbled, pointing to the palm tree-infested Hawaiian top. "Maybe that's what angered them."

"At least I _have_ a top." Xander pointed out. Spike scoffed. 

"I'd rather be naked than wear that little number."

Buffybot perked up. "Oooh! Yes please!" She raised her hand. Anya looked at her oddly.

"Something is fueling this house. Anya said, watching Buffybot alternate loving glances between Willow and Spike. "We need to find out what it is and stop it. And why are you doing that?" 

Buffybot looked at Anya. "You're an ex-vengeance demon."

Anya nodded. "Yeah. I am. And you're holding hands with Spike and Willow because...?" She turned to Xander. "Buffy's holding hands with Spike and Willow. Make her stop. No one's holding hands with _me_. Why isn't she holding _my _hand?" She pouted and crossed her arms, feeling left out.

"I'll hold your hand An." Xander said soothingly, but she yanked her hand out of his grasp.

"Forget it, you're too busy not having sex with me to hold hands."

"Oh, the truth comes out." Spike let go of Buffybot's hand and started clapping sarcastically. "Great job Harris."

Xander glared. "I don't need comments from the likes of you. You got dumped by a crazy person, so you're one to talk."

Spike stepped forward, about to grab Xander and shake him like the little puppy he was when all at once the house gave an almighty shudder, knocking the group off balance. Electricity raced through the room, settling on them, crackling all around their bodies.

"Oh-oh." Willow said, just before they were blown in all different directions.

Buffybot smashed right through the wall and into the adjacent room, bits of plaster and wallpaper clinging to her hair. She lay there for a moment, systems rebooting, programs reloading. Suddenly she sat up, her few minor errors repaired. Looking around, she saw that the house was empty of all party-goes. An eerie wind gusted, swirling her hair up. "I need to slay this evil." She said loudly, marching towards the stairs. Vines attacked her, ripping at her clothes. "My top!" She cried in dismay, looking at the tear in her side. "How can I look hot now?"

A groan came from the top of the stairs. "Spike!" She shredded the vines that tried to hold her back. "I have to help him and his sexy, shirtless body!"

Spike sat up when she reached the hallway, rubbing his head grumpily. "Bloody hell. Even the frat parties are deathtraps on the Hellmouth." He stumbled away from her, back down the stairs.

"Spike! Where are you going, Spike?" Buffybot reached for his bare back as he went by her. She caught a few mumbled words, something about 'duster' and 'booze'. "I drink beer!" She offered helpfully, but he ignored her and pushed his way through the vines and down the steps. 

Loud moaning made her turn her head back to the hallway. Someone was in pain! Her slaying program kicked in. "I must protect the innocent! Evil, take heed!" She ran to the door, dodging the torrent of spiny vines racing at her, and smashed it open with her foot. All went quiet, except for the couple inside the dark room, wrapped around each other on the bed. 

"Hey!" Buffy said, blinking against the bright light flooding in from the door. Riley sat up and covered his eyes a bit, trying to block out the glare. "Doesn't anyone knock around here?"

"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"


	3. Chapter Three

DISCLAIMERS: `Dear Joss, Hi. How are you? I am fine. I'm still waiting for the royalty checks re: the Buffy stories I wrote about the characters you created. Where are they? Maybe you lost my address. Enclosed is an 8 by 10 glossy of me in my sassy underpants, and the above-mentioned underpants. Thanks! Sincerely, mr. monkeybottms.' 

THANKS: To all the people who read this, thank you! It is so nice to have your story enjoyed. *smacks you on the ass* And you have a nice little caboose there too! Of course, many thanks to bubonicplague, who always makes me feel better when I am convinced I have just written a chapter of crap.

SUMMARY: Ok. Let's see. Buffybot loves Spike, not Warren. I love Spike, not Warren. Buffybot played strip poker. I played strip poker! Buffybot got thrown through a wall. I got thrown through a wall. Ouch. Ok, maybe most of that last bit was untrue, but I did wash a wall yesterday! Whooo. Buffy tried to kiss Willow. I kissed my Spike poster. Buffybot heard a horrible noise and interrupted the real Buffy and Riley having sex. Monkeybottoms smashes head through her monitor to stop the pain of having to write that scene! Pray. For. monkeybottoms.

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Buffy trotted down the stairs, taking in the mess that the frat house was in. Papers were strewn everywhere. Lamps were broken, furniture overthrown. No one was in sight. "Nice." She muttered. "They trashed the place and took off before the clean up." She paused, looking towards the door. Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea_

"Buffy." Riley appeared by her side, staring at the disaster. "Wow. They really threw a party." He rightened a chair, sighing. "Well, the two of us will have it straightened in no time." 

"Yeah. Great." Buffy said, trying to sound enthusiastic. Picking up an ice bucket, she made a face. "I think someone used this as a bathroom." She held it out to him. He backed up.

"I'll go see how the kitchen looks." He said, beating a hasty retreat. "You can start in here. Garbage bags are in the broom closet under the stairs."

"Goody." Buffy muttered, watching him scamper off. "I'll get right on that." She opened the door to the closet.

"Buffy!" 

Buffy turned in relief at the sound of Willow's voice, quickly putting the liquid-filled container in the corner, far, far away from her and slamming the door shut.

"Willow! Xander! Anya!" Buffy said, waving them closer. "Great to see you. Anything you need? Maybe something I should kill?" This was one time she wouldn't turn her nose up at an apocalypse.

"You did it Buffy! You stopped the spirits!" Willow hugged her tightly, stepping away quickly before she could start petting her again. 

"Huh?" Buffy said.

Xander smacked her on the back. "Way to go, you number one Slayer you."

Buffy blushed, thinking they were teasing her about her hour-long sex-capade with Riley. "Oh, uhhh..."

Anya smiled at her. "You don't have to be shy about it. We all know what you did. It was amazing!"

Buffy's face turned an amazing shade of purple. Leave it to Anya to be pleased with this. "Um. Yeah, ok, thanks there, Anya." 

Xander rubbed his back, grimacing. " Oh man, I hurt myself. I can't keep up like you, Buffy. Must be great to have those slayer powers. Keeps you from getting hurt." He smiled at Anya a little, pleased when she smiled back. 

"Riiight." Buffy said slowly. Maybe cleaning that bucket of pee wasn't so bad after all...

"Oh look, the little Scooby gang is having a meeting."

Buffy groaned and turned to see Spike coming over, duster in hand. "Get lost Spike."

Spike cocked his head. "Well well, the Slayer sings the old song again, does she?" He shrugged into his coat and yanked it shut. "I liked the other one better." Turning, he started for the door.

"Huh?" Buffy said, again

Spike gave the group the finger, slamming the door behind him. 

"He is such an incredible pain in the ass." Buffy said. 

*************************************

"I need to find Spike." Buffybot walked down the street. She saw a man coming towards her. "Hello! Do you know where Spike is?" The man paused.

"Spike?" He looked at her suspiciously.

"Yes. I love him!" Buffybot smiled. "He has blonde hair and dreamy blue eyes. I want him to make love to me, but he's gone. Where did Spike go? I need to find him. I also need to protect the innocent."

The man backed up a step. "Um, I don't know where he went, but I'm going to go now." He took another step back. "Good luck, you'll need it!" He took off, crossing the street to his car, and squealing away loudly.

"What a nice man!" Buffybot continued on her way. A few minutes later she suddenly stopped walking. "Hey! I know this."

Joyce looked up in surprise when the door opened. "Buffy! What are you doing here?"

Buffybot rolled her eyes. "I live here." She looked at the lady, programming kicking in.

_Program files : Joyce Summers_

-Mom: birth-present

-cooks

-cleans

-pays bills

-washes laundry

-loves Buffy

Buffybot smiled. "You're my Mom!" She hugged Joyce, a little too tight, making Joyce grunt.

"Ooof! Buffy, I'm glad to see you too." She stepped back, stroking Buffybot's cheek. "You look different. Did you change your hair?"

"My shirt is torn." She showed the hole in her top, making Joyce sigh.

"Another one? Oh well, put it in the mending basket with the rest. One day I'll get around to sewing up all the rips and tears."

"You wash and clean."

Joyce laughed. "Yes I do." She sat down on the couch and patted the seat beside her. Buffybot didn't move. "Come, let's talk for a bit. I never see you anymore now that you've gone off to school."

Buffybot sat down beside her, smiling widely. "I go to Sunnydale University!"

"How is school going?"

Buffybot paused for a moment. "The school is not going anywhere, but I need to go find Spike."

"Oh, you're not staying?" Joyce asked, a little disappointed. "Oh well, the duties of a Slayer I suppose." 

"Yes, I am a Slayer."

"Would you like something to eat before you go?" Joyce asked, getting up and going into the kitchen. Buffybot followed her.

"No thank you. I don't eat. I drink beer!"

Joyce looked at her daughter in surprise, then suddenly laughed. "Oh Buffy, you are such a teaser." She laughed. Buffybot watched her, and then laughed too.

"Ha ha ha ha!" She stopped abruptly. "I can't find Spike."

"Maybe he's in the graveyard." Joyce answered absently, peering into the fridge. "Isn't that where most vampires hang out?"

Buffybot thought for a moment. "Yes. Yes they do. I will look for Spike at the graveyards." 

Joyce buttered some bread for the sandwich she was making. "What did he do now?" She asked, laying some tomatoes and cheese on it. "Are you going to stake him? His chip didn't malfunction did it? I'd hate to see Spike get...well, whatever you call it when you kill him."

"Dusting. We call it dusting, and I usually say something funny when I do it, like: 'Now your name is Dusty McDustpile!' or, 'Dusta La Vista, baby!'" She sighed. "But I would _never _dust Spike!"

Joyce put some pickle in the sandwich. "I'm glad to hear that. I know I'm not supposed to, but I actually like Spike."

Buffybot beamed. "I like him too!" She looked at the plastic-wrapped sandwich Joyce held up to her. "I don't eat plastic sandwiches. It would ruin my hard drive."

Joyce gave her a smile, trying to act like she thought Buffy's joke was funny. "Hmmm, yes. Good joke sweetie. I just thought you might like one for the road."

Buffybot smiled. "Okay."

Ten minutes later, she was changed into a nice, non-ripped outfit and on her way to search each and every graveyard until she found her beloved. "Oh! I almost forgot." She looked at the pavement. "Here you go! I don't understand my Mom's order though!"

She walked away, the sandwich on the ground. 


	4. Chapter Four

DISCLAIMERS: SO, I get _another_ late-night drunken phone call from Joss last night. It's the same old thing, he loves me terribly, he wants me back, he can't go on without me, his car is missing, he's wandering the streets looking for where he parked it...I suggest, rather piously, that maybe he should have thought about that before he dumped me for Alison Hannigan, and went into a rather cruel imitation of him, "Oooh, Ally, she'd _so great._ Look, she's doing her 'big eyes', I just looooove her." I point out that she went out with that Wesley guy and laugh, making Joss break out into fresh sobs. Wow, am I ever a bitch! 

THANKS: Well, seeing as how poor Fanfiction has had so many system problems, I'm just glad anyone even managed to _find_ my story to read. If you're reading this _right now_, thank you! Thank you! Also, as usual, bubonic has helped me out so much! I love her!

LAST TIME ON BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Hey, check it out! Buffy got hosed into helping Riley clean up the frat house. Buffy had no idea that Buffybot saved the day. The Scoobies thought Buffy saved the day. Buffy thought they were talking about sex. Xander smiled at Anya. Everyone was clueless. Spike took off to his crypt. Buffybot found her home, her mom, and a sandwich. Good ole Buffybot! She's off to find Spike, and make him a very happy vampire...

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Spike sipped from his mug, eyes glued to the television in front of him, completely spellbound. "You are one damn fine big bad, J.R." He toasted the screen, grinning as J.R. pulled off yet another dastardly scheme. "Heh heh, that's right, show all those ponces that you're the boss...wait...who's that?" He frowned, watching as J.R. spun around in his chair and was promptly shot. Spike gasped. "Balls! Someone just shot J.R.!" He jumped up, spilling a good amount of blood on the floor. His face fell. "Miss Ellie will be sick with worry when she finds out."

"Spike!"

He turned to see the Slayer standing in his doorway, wearing a smile and not much else. It's not like that tiny black number was actually counting as a covering, what with all the leg and breasts and the slits up to there. Buffy turned to close the door and Spike's eyes widened as he saw that her dress was almost completely backless. What the hell was holding this thing on her?

"Spike, I've looked all over for you." Buffybot said, her smile almost blinding. She came over and slid her arms around him. "Where did you go after the party? You were about to take off your pants. Will you take them off now?"

Spike backpedaled, bashing into his worn out old chair. "What are you playing at _now_ Slayer?" He glared at her.

Buffybot ran through her programs.

_Sex games: _

-Role Playing

-Fantasy

-Aggressive

-Passive

-Virgin

-Slut

-Hooker

"I can play many games." Buffybot announced. "Which would you like? I could be a slut!"

Spike looked her over insolently. "You could indeed."

Buffybot smiled and put her hand down Spike's pants, causing him to jump in surprise. "Is that what you want?"

"Yes." Spike said, simply, watching as Buffybot unzipped. She kneeled before him and he gasped in surprise. "Oh god! Holy Jesus Buffy, how did you learn to do that?"

Buffybot pulled away. "I was programmed."

Spike led her back, groaning. "Programmed?" He frowned, wondering if this was yet another one of Willow's spells-gone-wrong , but Buffybot swirled her tongue and he wrapped his hands in her long hair, forgetting all about that tiny twinge of conscience. 

"I want you Spike!" Buffybot announced between licks. "I want you to ravage me!"

Spike groaned at her words.

"I want you to pillage me! And plunder me!" Buffybot continued, sucking hard.

"What?" Spike shook his head, confused by her choice of words but finding it rather difficult to concentrate, what with the way Buffy's mouth felt gliding up and down his-. "Pillage...?"

Buffybot paused her oral program. "Yes. Pillage. It is another word for 'ravage' and 'plunder'." 

Spike looked down at her. "I bloody well know what they mean Slayer. What, did you read your thesaurus before you-" Buffybot smiled into his eyes and swallowed him down, making him stutter the last bit. "Y-you...came down here." She did it again and he gave up all attempts to think, finding it more enjoyable to thrust strongly into her warm, wet mouth. Much more.

*********************************

"You were incredible."

Spike smiled against Buffybot's skin and bit her neck softly. "I know." He stretched in contentment, still deep inside her. "I knew you'd love it."

"I did! I loved every minute, every second." Buffybot sighed and wriggled against him. "I'll do anything you want Spike." She sat up on his bed and looked at him. "Do you want me to organize your tapes of 'The X Files?'"

"No Slayer, I want you to-wait...X-Files?" He stared at her closely and she smiled brightly, waiting. "What are you talking about?" He got out of bed and walked towards his bottle of bourbon. He needed a drink.

"Where are you going, Mulder?" Buffybot said. Spike shook his head.

"Slayer...what are you-"

"The truth is out there." Buffybot said throatily, sliding up on her knees and posing. "And I want you to give it to me, Mulder." She arched her back and Spike's mouth went dry at the sight. "Please Fox, I want to believe...please, make me a believer!"

Spike tossed the bottle over his shoulder and came back over to the bed, kneeling behind her thighs. "Slayer..." He slid in smoothly and she let out a yell. "Slayer...Buffy..."

"I'm Dana." Buffybot told him, then went back to her cries of pleasure. "Yes! Fox yes!"

"Buffy..." Spike thrust faster, grabbing at her hips for leverage.

"Dana." Buffybot corrected helpfully. 

"Buff-" Spike shrugged. "Dana. God, yes." He grabbed her hair and she moaned loudly. "Oh yeah, you like it kinky, don't you Dana?"

"Please. Please Fox..."

"Yeah, that's it Dana, come on...."

"Oh Mulder, oh yes! Yes! YES!"

"Buffy!" Spike shuddered against her, groaning. "God Buffy." He muttered, collapsing on the bed again. "You'll be the death of me. Well, figuratively speaking."

Buffybot snuggled close and sighed, pleased at completing her priorities. She knew that she now felt happy and satisfied in the way that Spike, and only Spike, could make her feel. Plus, Spike was the most perfect being in the known universe, according to her programming. She looked at him next to her, his eyes closed, face relaxed. "You're beautiful." She whispered, touching his cheek softly. He smiled a bit at that, eyes still shut.

"Beautiful. That's you, pet." He said sleepily. The sun was coming up and he was rather worn out, all things considered. Four times in two hours wasn't his personal best, but it was still rather impressive. He wrapped his arms around the Slayer next to him and drifted off.

Buffybot watched him until he fell asleep, admiring his perfect cheekbones. Suddenly, her internal clock beeped.

"Time for school!" She said, making Spike mumble a bit and turn over. "I go to Sunnydale University." 

Her black dress was completely ruined, reduced to nothing more than a tiny scrap of fabric under Spike's passionate touches. She held it up, frowning. "What am I going to wear to class?"

***********************************

Buffy's alarm went off and she groaned, rolling over and shoving her pillow over her head. "Morningtime already?"

"Wake up sleepyhead!" Willow breezed by happily, already dressed and ready for class. She picked up her backpack and carefully packed her books. "Don't forget you have that test. You'll be late if you don't hustle your bum." She grabbed an apple and opened the door. "See you in class!" She called, rushing out the door.

Buffy poked her head out from under the pillow. "What?"

Willow hurried down the hall to class. If she was quick she could be early for class and get her pencils arranged on her desk. One may need to be sharpened again. Or maybe one was even broken! Luckily she brought many extras. She opened the class door.

"Willow!"

Willow looked in surprise. "Buffy! Wow, how did you beat me here?"

Buffybot frowned. "I didn't beat you. I'd never hurt you, you're my best friend! I saw a group of people come in here, so I did too. I go to Sunnydale U!"

"It's just that...when I left, you...in bed..." Willow said, face confused. 

"I was in bed." Buffybot smiled, thinking of sexy Spike and his sexy bed. "Then I came here."

"O-kay." Willow said, sitting down beside her. "The Slayer has the right to be fast. I mean, all you had to do was get up and brush your hair and teeth and get dressed..." She trailed off, looking at her friend. "Um, that's a different look for you."

Buffybot smiled brilliantly. "Thank you Willow. I love these clothes."

"I've just never seen you in...black baggy jeans...and a black baggy t-shirt...and that red top before..." Willow said carefully, not wanting to hurt Buffy's feelings. "It's kinda...Spike."

"Thank you!" Buffybot said happily.

"Buffy, is everything-" Willow started to ask, by was interrupted by the prof entering the room. Panicked, she grabbed at her pencils.

"Alright people, settle in, shall we?" The prof barked, clapping his hands. "We're all grown adults here. Find yourself a seat and sit in it. Yes, even you there, up there in the last row." He held up a stack of papers. "Here is your test. They are NOT multiple choice as so often given in Psyche. They are not essay. Do not write an essay for each question. They are in between. Answer accordingly." He plopped a bunch on each row and the students passed them amongst each other. "You have one hour. I suggest you start."

Willow passed Buffybot her paper and she looked at it. 

"Did you forget your pencil?" Willow whispered in concern. "Here, I have some extra."

"Thanks." Buffybot said. She twirled it and stared at her paper.

QUESTION 1: Have you ever felt as though you would genuinely like to kill somebody?

Buffybot shrugged and wrote:

_ I kill evil things. Demon, vampires, you name it. It's my calling. Evil must die!_

QUESTION 2: Did you avoid fights or rough games when you were a child?

_I'm the Slayer! I always fight!_

QUESTION 3: What is the male hormone testosterone associated with?

_Spike._

QUESTION 4: What is 'Williams Syndrome'?

_Spike has no syndromes, he is absolutely perfect. Perhaps his only fault is giving me too much pleasure._

QUESTION 5: Bob, a four-year-old, keeps saying "goed" instead of "went" and "runned" instead of "ran." What kind of error is Bob making?

_Bob is faulty. He is talking funny. Perhaps something is wrong with his speech program._

QUESTION 6: What is the phallic stage?

__

The phallic stage is my favorite. Spike's penis is large, and it comes out right before I want to pleasure him, or he pleasures me....

QUESTION 7: The Oedipal complex arises during which of Freud's psychosexual stages?

_I don't know what that means, but Spike's complex rises the moment he sees me._

QUESTION 8: Boys' groups tend to differ from girls' groups in that:

_Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina. I like Spike's penis!_

QUESTION 9: An example of an ego defense is:

_The Ego demon is tiny, and therefore I don't have to worry about it's defense moves. I would just mash it with my boot._

QUESTION 10: Fixation of the libido at the anal stage can lead to:

_Well, that will lead to Spike giving me pleasure in the anus. He is always fixated on my bum, he says it's hot and perfect and he wants spank and smack it, and one day he may even screw it!_

QUESTION 11: In Freudian theory, oral fixation is associated with which behaviors as an adult?

_I am always wanting to suck Spike's penis. It is a joy. I could do it all day long!_

QUESTION 12: . Indicate the stage that comes last in Freud's theory of psychosexual development:

_I've never met Freud, but Spike's theory is that I should always come last, and repeatedly. And I do, because he is a god in bed. _

"Time's up people." The prof said, amidst groans and frantic writing. "All right, pencils down. Hand it in, good or bad. And, judging from the looks on your faces, I expect many, many bad." 

Buffybot handed hers to him, massive grin on her face. "Thank you for the test. Have a great day!"

"Buffy." Willow called, and she turned. "I have to run to the dorm room. Will you meet me for coffee? Mocha-latte-chinos!"

"Sure!"

Willow smiled. "Okay, great. I'll just be a few minutes, I forgot my extra bag of pens on the dresser. My highlighter is in there!"

Two minutes later, Willow opened the door to find Buffy standing there, doing her hair. "How do you keep doing that?" She said in frustration.

"I just twist it up like so, and add a few pins here, and here..."

"No." Willow interrupted. "How do you keep beating me to places?"

Buffy turned to her friend. "Huh?"

"And you even had time to change."

Buffy looked at her outfit. "Well, the jammie look is out, I hear. So I put this on when I leave the dorm."

Willow picked up her pens and shook her head. "Come on, we can talk about the test over those fancy coffees with the frothy tops."

"Test? What test?"

Willow stared.


	5. Chapter Five

DISCLAIMERS: You know who's sexy? That Joss guy. I phoned him last night, but each time he picked up I chickened out and hung up before I could say a word. After the, oh, fortieth time he calls me back! 'Look, you know I have that restraining order, so cut it out.' He says. I was thrilled! I mean, he was _talking_ to me! OMG.

THANKS: Thank you to everyone who keeps up with this fic. The updates have been sparce, but never fear, ff.net will be up and running soon. (I hope. Poor guys) As always, thanks to bub, she keeps me happy and writing and inspired. 

ALSO: I have my own site now, so check there if you can't get into ff.net. Check out my profile for the link. 

LAST TIME ON BTVS: Buffybot found Spike and seduced his rock-hard ass. Like it took much, lol. Buffybot went to S.U. Buffybot wore Spike's clothes. Man, now he only has _eight_ sets of black tee-shirts, red tops and black jeans. I guess he'll just have to be naked. Buffy slept in. Buffybot stumbled upon Buffy's psyche test and promptly failed in. She also convinced her prof that Buffy was A) psychotic, and B) a smartass. A smartass psychotic...the worst kind! Willow was confused at Buffy's new amazing fast-changing powers. Willow also had a pen/pencil fetish. Who woulda thunk it? *gasps* And so, the saga continues:

************************************************************************

Buffybot sat at one of the eight coffeshops on campus, waiting patiently for Willow, two foamy cups on the table and a large smile on her face. Willow was taking a long time to join her, but she was happy. Many of her programs told her this. Her programs also told her she'd been away from Spike for 3.25 hours now and she needed to get back to him soon.

"Buffy!"

Buffybot turned and her smile disappeared. "Riley." Her programming kicked in again.

Name search: Riley

Riley Finn

-teacher's assistant

-member of the Initiative

-dating

-big loser

-giant lummox

-insult and break up with him

"Hi!" Riley sat down beside her. "You look pretty today. I've never seen that outfit before." He leaned in for a kiss, but Buffybot moved her head away quickly. "Is everything alright?" He asked, concerned, his forehead wrinkled worriedly. Buffybot looked at him.

"No. It isn't alright. I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore. Have a nice day!"

Riley paused. "What?"

"You have beady eyes." Buffybot said.

Riley blinked said eyes. "Buffy..."

"I think you should go now." Buffybot informed him. "It's nothing personal, you know. It's just that you are so massive, it hurts my neck to look at you. And your hair is boring. And, well, so are you. Bye now! I'm meeting Willow for lattes!" 

Riley stood up quickly, looking upset. "Fine." He turned to go, then turned back, face tight. "I don't know what happened there."

"I broke up with you." Buffybot said, smile still in place.

Riley looked at her a moment more, completely confused. "Alright. Okay. I...." He walked away quickly through the crowd, still muttering.

"Hmmm. That's better." Buffybot took a sip of her coffee. "Oooh! Frothy!" 

Buffybot waited patiently, sitting quietly. A group of college guys watched her from a few tables away. One smiled at her and she smiled back happily. Encouraged, he stood up and came over.

"Hi." He said, sitting down. 

"My name's Buffy." She said cheerfully. "I go to Sunnydale University!"

"Me too." The guy said, shooting a glance towards his grinning friends. "I'm Greg."

Buffybot nodded and read her files. Coming up empty, she smiled again. "I don't know you! Thanks for stopping by!"

Greg paused, unsure of how to answer that. "Um. You're welcome?" He looked at the extra coffee mug on the table and asked, "So. Meeting someone? You're boyfriend?"

"My boyfriend isn't here. He's asleep after giving me amazing sex last night. Do you know him? His name's Spike!"

Greg made a face. "No, uh, I don't know Spike." He looked over at his friends again and turned back. "So, you and this Spike guy....you're inclusive? Cause, I think you're the hottest girl I've ever seen and I'd love to take you out sometime. Maybe to dinner?"

Buffybot gasped. "I love Spike! No one else may touch my body but him! And I'd never eat dinner with someone else! Except for maybe my friends and Giles. He's my Watcher."

"Watcher...?" Greg paused. That sounded kinky. "He...watches you?"

"He's been my Watcher since I was fifteen."

Greg's eyebrows rose. This girl was a firecracker. She'd been into the kink since she was a kid! "Oh yeah?"

"Yes. He trained me."

Greg nodded, leaning closer. "Did he film you too?" He asked hopefully. Buffybot frowned.

"I don't know. Perhaps he did."

Greg slid a hand towards her thigh. "Maybe we could all...get together, you know, me, you, the 'watcher' guy and make a little movie ourselves." 

"A movie?" Buffybot asked, just as his hand touched her. "Hey! Only Spike can touch me there!" She shoved him hard, sending him flying across the room into his table of friends. People scattered. "Keep your hands off me!" She yelled as he laid there, dazed. The crowd looked at her for a moment, then slowly went back to whatever they were doing. 

Buffybot sat back down, smile back on her face. She looked up and could see Willow coming over. Standing up, she waved excitedly. "Willow! My friend! Over here!"

Willow walked over, frowning. "You changed back into your, uh...." She trailed off, looking at the Spike outfit. Buffybot smiled and passed over her coffee. "Oh. Thanks."

"You're welcome, best friend." 

Willow sipped, studying her friend. "When I left the dorm room, you said you had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned frothy coffee."

Buffybot reached over and took Willow's hand. "Willow. That's ridiculous. Look." She held up her own coffee. "Here it is!" Smiling, she re-read her program.

_Willow Rosenburg_

-best friend since arrival in Sunnydale

-practicing Wicca

-dated a werewolf

-had a crush on Xander Harris

-currently secretly involved with mystery woman: may be bi-sexual

-attempt to kiss her at every opportunity

"How's the Wiccan studies going?" Buffybot asked, sliding her chair closer to Willow. "You dated a werewolf."

Willow's eyebrows raised. "Um. Yeah, Oz...uh, well, the Wicca Group is kinda dumb. All they wanted to do is talk. Nary a spell in sight. They are more of a Non-Wicca group, really, all talking about woman-power fund raisers and so on..." She trailed off as Buffybot started to stroke her shoulder. "Um..."

Buffybot leaned closer.

"I mean, what did they think witches _do_ anyways? They all giggled when I suggested practicing a levitating spell or something." Buffybot nodded and slid her arm around Willow's shoulders, making her squeak a bit in surprise. "I was dumb to think they were a real Wicca group. There is one girl though... and...Oh! Look! It's Xander!" Willow stood up, nervously pointing. "Our friend Xander is coming to visit his college friends! Wow, isn't that great?" She waved at him frantically, motioning for him to come over. 

Xander saw Willow and Buffy on the other side of the room and waved back. Buffy saw him too, and smiled, then stood up and turned back to Willow. "Oh. My. God." Xander stopped dead as Buffy leaned over to Willow and planted a full lip-on-lip kiss on her, hands tangled in her hair. "Oh. God. I'm in heaven. I've died and gone to heaven. Or I'm dreaming." His mouth dropped open as he saw Buffy slip her tongue between Willows lips. He grabbed the guy standing next to him. "Am I dreaming? Pinch me."

The guy shook his arm away. "Shove it, freak." He said, pushing at Xander.

"Nope. Still awake." Xander hurried over to the two kissing girls.

"Buffy!" Willow pulled away, red, and flopped back down onto her chair. "What are you doing?"

"I'm kissing you." She answered matter-of-factly. Hi Xander." Buffybot flashed a blinding smile at him as he rushed over. "I'm kissing Willow." She leaned in again, causing Willow to scoot back violently, chair legs screeching against the floor. "I also broke up with Riley. His head is large."

"I have to go." Willow stood up, flustered. 

"Will, wait!" Xander called after her as she ran out. "No, don't go. Buffy was just being friendly..." He trailed off, disappointed. "Darn." He turned back to Buffy and was rewarded with a toothy smile. "So. That was new."

*************************************

Giles opened the door to find Willow looking panicked. "Ah. Willow. What's the matter?" He asked as she shoved her way past him.

"It's _all_ the matter! Everything's wrong!" She grabbed at his books and started flipping through one. "Something's very, very wrong!"

"Well, what is it?" Giles came over. "Where's Buffy?"

Willow whirled around to face him. "Buffy's gone insane! She's under a spell of some sort, and I didn't do it, okay! I haven't done any kind of 'My will be done' spell, so don't blame me! It's not always my fault, you know. You don't have to immediately assume I did it." 

Giles sighed and reached for his glasses. "No one said you did it Willow." He said, putting them on. "Now, tell me, what exactly did Buffy do? Is she alright?"

"She's not hurt, but she's most definitely _not_ alright. She's forgetting things. She's acting strange. She's dressing like Spike!"

"All these things don't necessarily mean she's had a spell cast on her." Giles said.

"Well, she also..." Willow trailed off, flushing furiously.

Giles sighed. "Yes?"

Willow looked down. "She, um, you know..."

"Oh dear lord. She's not engaged to Spike again, is she?"

"No!" Willow said quickly. "Well, at least I don't think she is." 

"Willow, if something is indeed wrong with Buffy, we won't be able to help her unless you tell me what happened."

Willow took a deep breath. "She kissed me."

A pause.

"Ah. I see. Erm...."Giles shifted uncomfortably. "I'll get the books."


	6. Chapter Six

DISCLAIMERS: As I rummaged through Joss' garbage last night, I saw that he'd left his bathroom window slightly open . Grabbing my trusty crowbar I had in my...uh...hand, for emergencies and stuff...you know...well, anyways, grabbing it, I wedged it open enough for me to squeeze inside. Wow! I hit paydirt! By the time the cops came to investigate the house alarm going off, I was running down the backyards with his hairbrush, some used Kleenex, a toothbrush (barely rinsed), and a water-bottle filled with pee-water! He'd forgotten to flush! SCORE!

THANKS: Thanks to James Marsters for being so damn amazing. Thanks to Joss for creating BTVS. Thanks to Bub for being my beta-buddy. Thanks to me for being so damn sexy! Yay me!

UPDATE: Buffybot had lattes. Buffybot broke up with Riley. Buffybot was hit on by a horny college guy and shoved him across the room. No one really cared. Buffybot made Xander the happiest guy on earth and frenched Willow. Buffybot was a busy little bee, wasn't she? Willow ran to Giles and they started looking for clues as to why Buffy was acting all GAY!now! And all WEIRD!now! Buffy was busy doing her hair and looking in her closet I guess. I dunno.

*************************************************************

"What do you mean he won't come to the phone?" Buffy demanded, annoyed. These Initiative guys were a real piece of work. "What's wrong with him? I hurt his feelings? When? Look, I didn't mean to leave that pee-bucket in the closet, okay, I just...what? Um...you don't know what I'm talking about? Uh, well, me neither. Just forget I even said the words 'pee-bucket', okay? Look, I have to go, tell Riley I'll call him later...well, I think he _will_ come to the phone next time I call!" She slammed the phone down, annoyed. "Jerk." The handle snapped in two, the receiver dangling by some colourful wires. "Oops."

She stepped out of the payphone gingerly, feeling like a total delinquent. Some Slayer she was. Buffy the Payphone Slayer. It had a certain ring to it. Hee! Ring! She giggled a bit at her internal joke, but immediately felt bad as an older gentleman walked towards the booth and got inside. She beat a hasty retreat as the man entered the glass cubicle. 

She walked through the quiet of the graveyard, absentmindedly staking a fledgling vamp without even stopping, stake back in her pocket before he'd even finished dying. Again. He dusted as she walked through him, his surprised face swirling away into a million tiny specks. It would have been beautiful, if it wasn't so morbid. Buffy sighed.

Buffy was bored. And annoyed. Men were so difficult to figure out. One night her boyfriend gives her wonderful, amazing sex, and the next thing you know he's pouting like a little girl with a broken dolly. Even Angel wasn't _this_ broody.

Then there were her friends. Willow was acting like a maniac, asking her odd questions that made no sense and frowning at her every word. She'd taken off during school and Buffy hadn't seen her since. And that night, at the Bronze, Xander had smiled at her so much she thought his face might split. Every time she'd said something he'd stuttered and swallowed, wiping his hands on his pants until she'd finally given up on talking to him and turned, in desperation, to Anya. Anya, on the other hand, hadn't even looked at her, just glared at the grinning Xander, finally smacking him hard in the shoulder and storming off into the upstairs. At that point Buffy had just given up and gone patrolling.

The sound of a scuffle made her perk up. A decent slay would get rid of some of her tension. She could use a good fight. Plus, you know, job and fate and destiny and weight of the world and all that. Or whatever it was that Giles was mumbling about the other day, she'd tuned him out in favor of the 'Elle' magazine that she'd hidden behind her horribly boring Watcher-book. Until Giles took it away, that is.

Coming around a mausoleum, she was bitterly disappointed to find not some demons creating havoc and running amuck, but Spike beating the un-living tar out of some beefy looking vamp. She paused, watching him pummel the larger vampire viciously, toying with it, mocking it. Spike was obviously enjoying himself. _Sicko_ she thought as he gave the vampire a brutal kick to the face. _Only a twisted individual would like to fight like this. _She turned to go, but two more appeared out of nowhere, jumping on him and making him stumble a bit. Reacting, she threw her stake, piercing the closer one through it's back, sending a wave of dust over Spike and the other two. The three vamps looked up in surprise, Goon One and Goon Two gaping at her. Spike straightened and gave her a slow smile.

"Hello Slayer." He drawled, eyes flowing over her body like water. "Come to rescue me have you?"

"Not even close Spike." Buffy strode into the clearing, making the other two panic and scatter. Spike grabbed Goon Two easily, throwing it to the ground. Buffy went after Goon One, delivering a well-placed kick to the back of it's thigh, making it lose it's balance with a shout. "I'm just doing my job." She punched the unlucky number One in the face, breaking it's nose and getting a snarl in return. "What's your excuse?" Goon One scrambled on the ground, making a break for it, but Buffy jumped on it, knees grinding painfully into it's arms. "Enjoy your stay in Hell, I hear it's a real hot spot!" She said, shoving her stake through it's heart. 

Spike sighed. "That was the lamest quip I've ever heard from you." He said, snapping Goon Two's neck with a quick twist. "It made me not even care about killing this one." He curled his lip, shaking his duster clean.

Buffy shrugged, brushing dust off her arms. "Whatever Spike. I'm outta here." 

Spike quickly stepped in front of her possessively, bodies almost touching, a slight leer on his face. She sighed and gave him her best disgruntled look. "What do you want now Spike?" She asked impatiently, hands on her hips. 

He smirked a little at that and leaned closer. "I think you know what I want."

Buffy blinked. "What?" She said, surprised. Was he...coming on to her?!

Spike stared at her, pinning her in place with his eyes. "I said..." He bent down slightly, lips an inch away from hers, half an inch, one third..."I. Think. You. Know. What. I. Want." He breathed. His lips brushed hers with the last word and she recoiled in shock. Spike grabbed her arms and yanked her close again, giving a little laugh.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Buffy gasped, too surprised to think clearly. 

"Oh, don't play this game with me _now _Slayer." Spike looked heavenwards and rolled his eyes. "It's a little old, don't you think?"

Recovering , she shoved him hard, and he went down, sprawled on his back before her. The look he gave her said he'd be more than happy if she joined him there, in the grass and dirt, in the dust of dead vampires. He gave her hot-eyes, tongue between his teeth, looking way too confident in his sexuality for her liking. Suddenly he swept his foot over her feet and she was on _her_ back, winded. Spike was on top of her in a flash, hands pinning her down, lips hot on hers. She gasped and his tongue slipped in, rubbing against hers, licking at her. She was shocked. She was revolted. She was extremely wet.

Spike thrust against her and she wrapped her legs around his waist. But, instead of the mutual grinding he was expecting, he was treated to just how tight Buffy could squeeze. His ribs cracked.

"Jesus Buffy!" He tore his mouth away and grimaced in pain. Buffy squeezed again and he arched helplessly. "Stop it you bitch!"

"Stop it?" Buffy tightened some more. "_You _stop it!" She twisted, pulling him down to the ground, and kicked him away. He rolled to his side, groaning. She got up and kicked him again, hard. "Can this day _get _any more stupid?" She asked.

"I doubt it." He moaned, clutching his side. 

"No one asked you." Buffy snapped. "UGH! I have to go home and shower. For about two days straight." She aimed another kick into him and he jerked a bit, grunting quietly. "Pig!" 

"Oh, I see. You just came here to taunt me. Typical Slayer move. Shouldn't be surprised. Well, carry on then, off to your perfect little life, where you don't have me to push around and use like some little stable-boy. Ole Spikey isn't gonna give it to you now, no matter how much you beg for it next time."

"_Wha-at?"_ Buffy spat, completely pissed off. "You're _crazy_!" She stomped off, muttering under her breath.

"_I'm _crazy?" Spike shouted after her, hissing as a jolt of pain ran down his body. "I'm _crazy? Me? _You're the crazy one here Slayer! You!"

Buffy turned. "Shut up! Just shut up Spike! And don't you ever try anything like that again!"

"You _wish_!" He yelled to her rapidly retreating back. She turned and gave him the finger, making him swear at her, loudly. She gasped at his words and threw a rock at him. It bounced off the top of his head with an amusing little 'bong!' and she laughed, ignoring the even louder, more creative curses he sent after her as she left.

*************************************************

Spike watched her go, still clutching his ribs. "Dammit..." He winced as a stabbing pain shot through his side. "Ow!"

He knelt on the ground, slowly making his way upright. What the hell was her problem anyways? The girl was a complete nutcase. One minute she's tonguing a bottle of beer to entice him, the next she's telling him to get lost. Then she shows up at his crypt and fucks him for hours on end, and when he tries to get a little more, she crushes him like a tin can. "Bloody tease." He muttered, standing up slowly. "Well, next time she's all worked up because her saluting idiot of a boyfriend can't do it for her, she'd better not come running to me for satisfaction." He thought of the kiss he'd taken from her, how she'd kissed him back for just a moment, her teeth sharp against his mouth and scoffed. Who was he kidding? He'd do it again in a heartbeat if she showed up. He'd never had it so good.

Her taste was still on him, her taste mixed with a bit of blood from when she'd nipped at him in passion. He grinned and licked at his lips, enjoying the combined flavors...and frowned. "Wait a minute." He licked again, thinking. She hadn't tasted like this before. In fact, she hadn't tasted like...well, anything. He looked up in the direction she'd gone, eyes narrowed. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong, and he was right in the middle of it. 

Spike smiled.


	7. Chapter Seven

DISCLAIMERS: You know what I'm tired of? Joss. Joss calling me and emailing me, leaving messages for me at work, pushing letters under my door. It gets pretty darn tiresome. *takes another drink* You know what else I hate? *slurs slightly, weaving* Joss and Spike all fighting over me and shit. I mean, daaaamn! *falls over table* I'm NOT delusional! *waves bottle at the dog, pointing madly* YOU'RE delusional!

THANKS: I love you all so much! *sobs into her beer* And Bub! She met James! *bawls* I looover her soo mush..._hic_

HUH? WHAT?: Buffy got snubbed by Riley and had no idea why. Damn baby. Buffy saved Spike's ass again. Spike leered and preened. Yum! Spike tried to get some more action, and was promptly squished by the Slayer's strong thighs. Buffy stormed out. Spike got a clue, unlike the rest of the Scoobies. Go Spike!

**********************************************************************

"Finally! I found you."

Buffy turned and looked over her shoulder.

"God, I've been looking for you for days now! Where have you been?" Warren hissed, looking around nervously. 

"Warren?" Buffy asked, squinting in the dim light.

Warren stepped out of the bushes and came closer. "Come on, let's get out of here before Buffy shows up or something."

Buffy blinked. "Huh?"

Warren took a deep breath . "Millennium Falcon. Mos Eisley spaceport. Docking bay ninety-four." He said, carefully.

Buffy sighed and looked heavenward. This was proving to be one long day. "What the hell are you talking about? Has the whole town gone crazy?" She paused suddenly, worried. "That's not it, is it? You haven't all gone nuts from a spell have you?" She looked back towards the campus, brows together in concern. Maybe she should go see Giles and tell him what was going on. 

Warren came closer and bent down slightly, looking into her eyes. "Millennium Falcon. Mos Eisley spaceport. Docking bay ninety-"

"Yeah, I heard you the first time, so drop the secret code, okay? What am I supposed to answer, _johnnycake fishlegs? _I don't know the answer to your little password." Buffy held her arms open wide in a gesture of submission. "So, whatever college prank you're up to, prank it on someone else." 

"Buffy?" Warren said nervously, taking a few steps back. This wasn't the Bot, it was actually Buffy. He was in for it now, unless he could cover. Be smooth..."Oh, uh. Good to see you. Long time and all." He shifted uncomfortably, positive that she knew exactly what was going on and was about to throttle him. Or maybe she was stalling, waiting for the cops to come and arrest him. Or, even worse, a secret government operation could be on it's way, ready to take him into custody to work on class-five missions, never to be seen from again! "I have to go." He blurted, suddenly turning and racing away madly.

Buffy watched him run off into the night. "Yeah. That was weird." Shrugging, she headed off to Giles'.

*****************************************************

"Spike? I'm all done slaying. Shall I pleasure you now?"

Spike looked up from his chair as the door to his crypt opened , putting the bottle of bourbon down on the cold stone floor with a sigh. He looked at her, considering. This was _not_ what he was expecting. "Ah. The nicer, easier version is here."

Buffybot smiled. "I _am_ nice." She agreed, coming over to him. "I'm pretty too."

Spike stood up slowly, wincing a bit at the pain, a hand to his side. If this wasn't Buffy, just who the hell was she? Or, to be more precise, what. "So." He said slowly, staring at her face. "Where did _you_ come from then?"

Buffybot looked at him for a moment, thinking. "I came from the graveyard!" She said happily. Spike looked surprised at her answer. 

"Oh, so you were raised then." He cocked his head, looking at her for signs of evil. None to be seen, and she certainly didn't _act _like a zombie.

"Yes! I was raised by my mother!" Buffybot answered brightly, ending Spike's first theory .

Spike raised his eyebrows for a moment. _Ah, so that's the ticket, a story straight out of the telly. _He thought of Passions and nodded a bit. "Like an evil twin..."

The Bot blinked. "I don't have a twin. I slay evil!"

Spike went and sat back down again with a sigh of frustration. Looking at her, he frowned. "Where. Did. You. Come. From." He said slowly and carefully, making sure every word was clear and precise. Buffybot paused.

"The. Grave. Yard. I. Was. Slaying." She answered, slowly, carefully, and precisely, making Spike want to bash his head against the stone walls. 

"Okay. And before that?" He asked, running a hand through his hair. Buffybot perked up.

"Sunnydale U!" She chirped.

Spike frowned at her. "What, you mean you were grown, in a lab then?" 

Buffybot ran her program. "I wasn't grown in a lab. I was made in a basement. Warren made me." She said, making Spike sit up straight. 

"Ah ha! Here we go. Now we're getting somewhere. Just who's this Warren fella?" Spike asked, looking at the Bot for stitches or staples or whatever people used nowadays to construct humans. 

"He's very smart!" She paused as her systems re-loaded, and continued. "But not as smart as you! He's sexy, but not as sexy as you! He's perfect, but not as perfect as you! He-"

"I get it." Spike interrupted impatiently. He stood up and came close, looking at her carefully. "No scars. No stitches. No zippers or buttons." He put his head close to he chest and she smiled happily, lips parted invitingly. He listened for a second, really _listened, _and raised an eyebrow. Standing up, he looked at her. "No heartbeat. No blood. What are you?"

Buffybot looked at him. "I'm Buffy!" She said cheerfully.

Spike went over to the chair again and sank down into it with a sigh. He was feeling better already. Damn bitch Slayer wasn't going to hold _him_ back for long. The other Buffy stood there, watching him silently. "You know what? We're going to have a lot of fun, the two of us."

The Buffybot smiled at him and came to sit on his lap. "Can we have hot monkey sex now?"

Spike grinned at her, putting his arm around her waist. "Well luv, that would be grand, but I have bigger plans for you." He smiled rather evilly, enjoying the feeling of being wicked once again. Maybe he couldn't bite anyone, but he still had the ole big bad in him. He'd show them who was still able to create terror and havoc. Buffy slipped her hand into his shirt and he looked into her eyes. Damned if she didn't look just like the real Buffy. 

*******************************************

Xander looked at Willow and shook his head. "I don't see why you think something's wrong with Buffy. Girl-girl kissing is perfectly normal." He pointed his Ho-Ho at the group seriously. "In fact, girls should do it _more_!" He got a glare from both Willow and Anya for his troubles. "What?"

Willow looked up from her books, rather defeated. "It's not just the, uh...you know. _Kissing_" She whispered. "It's the odd behavior. The forgetting..."

"That doesn't sound unusual." Anya said, shrugging. Buffy had seemed normal enough at the Bronze earlier, despite Xander's total drooling. Stupid Xander.

"Well, what about the teleporting. And, her outfits." Willow said worriedly.

Giles rubbed at his eyes. "I really don't know Willow. There's nothing in the books that describes what you're saying. Perhaps if we simply talked to her, which really, we should have done in the first place. I was just a little, erm, thrown off by the current events."

Xander swallowed his Ho-Ho and nodded at Giles. "Yes. Giles is right. Willow, you should talk to her as much as possible." He looked at his girlfriend. "Anya too."

Giles sighed.

Anya crossed her arms and leaned back into the couch in defiance. "I don't see what the big deal is. Girls kiss all the time."

Xander looked up. "Where!?"

"She probably wanted to experiment." Anya continued, ignoring him. "Like last night for instance, when Xander asked me to let him enter my portal of Sodom..."

Panicked, Xander shot up. "Uh!"

"Oh god!" Willow said, face white.

Giles removed his glasses, polishing fiercely. 

"What?" Anya said, impatiently. "Sex is perfectly natural. You're all so uptight! Arrgh!" She stomped out of the room. 

Everyone was silent.

"Maybe we should just go find Buffy." Xander said finally. Almost on cue, the door opened and Buffy came in. Xander looked at the group and shrugged. "Okay, that was easy."

"Buffy!" Willow said nervously, clutching her top closed tight. "Where have you been?"

"Patrolling." Buffy said. "Where else?" She smiled at Willow, who stepped back uncertainly, putting a chair between the two of them. "It's been a really strange day."

"So I've heard." Giles said slowly, not sure what to say. He looked her over, taking in her short white top and khaki pants. "She looks normal to me. Buffy, how are you feeling? Is everything alright? Something you need to talk about perhaps?" He added meaningfully, making Buffy frown.

"Uhh...noooo, I'm fine, but there have been some really stupid weird things happening." She answered carefully.

"Ah ha! See?" Willow looked triumphant.

"See what?" Xander asked. "She's just fine. Nothing wrong there."

Buffy looked back and forth at her friends. "_She's_ right here, and her ears are working. She can hear everything you're saying." She crossed her arms and stared at the group. They shifted uncomfortably.

Anya came back into the livingroom. "Oh Buffy. You're here." Buffy nodded at her and she smiled soothingly. "I think your new lifestyle choice is perfectly okay. In fact, I'm more than comfortable with it. Congratulations!" She walked over to her, ignoring the confused look on her face and hugged her.

"_New lifestyle choice?" _Buffy mouthed over Anya's shoulder at Willow, who shook her head a few times, flustered. "Anya, I-" Buffy was cut of by a Anya's warm, slightly moist lips pressed up against her own. "Mmmrrffff..." 

"Oh god." Xander breathed, watching Buffy and Anya. He swallowed hard as Anya pulled back, licking at Buffy's lips slightly as she went. "Oh...god."

"Oh god!" Buffy cried, one hand over her mouth. "Why? What?" She turned to Giles beseechingly, shoving Anya away with her other hand.

"Hey!" Anya pouted at her and sat down next to Xander, annoyed that her overtones of friendship had been rejected. Xander panted slightly, eyes glazed as he looked at her and she suddenly didn't care about what Buffy did. "Wanna...?" She whispered, nudging her head towards the washroom and smiling suggestively. Xander groaned under his breath, debating. His hormones won and he pulled her out of the room quietly. This wouldn't take long.

"Okay, seriously, what is going on?" Buffy took a few steps back in case someone else decided to make with the frenching. She didn't think she could live if Giles tried it, spell or no spell. "Hey. Wait. Kissing. Weirdness. Spell..." She looked at Willow who was now hugging a pillow across her chest defensively, alternating scared glances between Anya and Buffy. "You did a spell!"

Willow dropped the pillow in a panic. "No! Buffy, I swear I didn't!"

Buffy opened her mouth to argue, but was interrupted by the sound of sirens. Followed by the sounds of fire engines. And screaming. Also, a dog barked.

"What the?" Giles opened the front door as another police car raced past. He turned back, concerned. "Something's happened."

"We'd better go see." Buffy said, marching towards the door. Willow and Giles followed her as she turned to the group. "Something's happening, and it seems it's spread to the town, and..." She paused, frowning. "Where's Anya and Xander?"


	8. Chapter Eight

DISCLAIMERS: The other night Joss takes me to a fancy restaurant, see? And I'm all dolled-up and stuff, cause I'm expecting him to pop 'the Question', so I've got on my slinky black dress and lacy thong-action happening. Joss takes my hand and I smile. "We have to talk." He says. I smile. "You keep calling me Joss." He says. I smile and nod happily. "See, thing is, my name is Fred. I keep telling you this..." I smile, breathless with excitement. "I don't want you to call me anymore. We're over. Oh, and I think you need some serious help." I throw my arms around him ecstatically, crying, "Yes! Yes, Joss yes, a thousand times yes, I'll be your wife!" Wow, are we ever happy! 

THANKS: Thanks, y'all are the bestest. It makes me so happy to hear that you like this crazy little bot story. Long live the Bot, and long live the Bub!

DEEDLE-BONG!: What's going on now? Well, let's see. Buffy decided the entire town was nuts. The Scoobies wondered the same thing about her. Spike and the Bot had a little chat. Spike grinned evilly. The Scoobies heard chaotic noises. Xander and Anya did it in Giles' bathroom. That place gets more action than a wharf-whore when shore leave rolls in. Warren _still_ hasn't gotten laid.

***********************************************************************

Downtown Sunnydale had seen better days. Or nights, in this instance. Then again, it had seen worse. On a scale of one to ten, one being the lowest and ten the highest, this rated about a seven on the crap-fest level. Not too bad, but plenty bad enough. As it was, storefronts were smashed, signs battered, doors in pieces. One place was in flames and firemen were running about, busily putting out the fire. People ran around, looting heavily, not caring about that, 'You shouldn't steal from your own neighborhood, dumbass' rule. Someone threw a mailbox into the window of the florist shop and the crowd cheered wildly, swarming in to run out with armfuls of roses and carnations.

"Idiots." Spike stood to one side, watching the show. 

"Shall I smash some more too?" Buffybot asked, standing beside him. Spike shook his head.

"Soon luv."

They stood near the bushes silently, and soon enough a car pulled up, full of Scoobies. "Well! Now this is fun!" Spike said, watching them spill from Giles' vehicle, mouths open as they took in the scene. 

"What's going on?" Xander gaped a little, watching as a large man walked by, a new TV. on his back. 

"It's a riot Xander." Anya answered, matter-of-factly. "People are stealing en mass and destroying property. It's about money. It's always about the money." She looked thoughtful for a moment.

Buffy threw her shoulders back determinedly. "Well, it stops now." She said and marched her way into the crowd, ready to stop people from doing anymore damage. A young man stumbled by with, of all things, a bowling ball; about to hurl it through the local Dollar Store and she sighed. Plucking it effortlessly out of his hands, she tossed it, sending it flying down the street. 

"Just what were you going to steal anyway?" Buffy asked, as the guy took off in a panic. "It's a _dollar store!_" She shook her head, forgetting about the bowling ball, which had now smashed into a fire hydrant, knocking the top off. Water burst into the air, spraying everywhere. In the distance, the firefighters could be heard cursing at the sudden fall in water pressure. "Oops."

"Nice work Buffy." Anya said, getting a glare from the group as they ran for cover from the icy water. "What? I was just trying to encourage her after her obvious blunder. She needs encouragement, like, 'go team go!' I mean, I didn't actually think she did a good job. You get that, right?"

"We get it An." Xander said, sliding back into Giles' car, despite the man's protests about getting the seats wet.

Buffy looked down at her soaking wet clothes, and then at the retreating Scoobies, annoyed and frozen. "Maybe I should just-"

A hand clamped down on her shoulder and she reached for it automatically, ready to flip the offender over her shoulder. The hand, however, whirled her around easily and she spun, surprised at the strength, finding herself face to face with a slim girl in a long trench coat and dark glasses, her hair tucked under a black knit cap. 

"And who might you be?" Buffy asked, taking a fighting stance.

"I'm the Slayer!" The Bot answered.

Buffy laughed, bitter. "Oh, yeah, okay. So been there done _that _that it's not even funny." She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Are you good, or bad? Maybe we should clear this up right away."

Buffybot smiled happily. "Bad!" 

"Figures." Buffy muttered, and punched her in the face, snapping the Bot's head back sharply. "Well, let's get this over with, shall we?"

The Bot followed with a punch of her own and grabbed Buffy's arms, tossing her to the ground with a splash. "Ha! You're all wet. Take that!"

Buffy jumped up, tossing her wet hair off her face, laying a kick to the Bot's side and making her stumble. "We're _both_ wet you lack-wit." They grappled, stumbling around. The Bot twisted in Buffy's grasp, lifting her up over her head easily.

"I don't like you!" Buffybot announced. She heaved and threw Buffy, sending her smashing through the nearby, second-hand store 'Fashion Trendz!' display window with a crash, sending glass spraying. Jumping in after her, she paused, seeing a smart leather skirt and belt combo. "Oooh, funky!" She bent to pick it up and hold it against her in contemplation, but was felled by a well-placed mannequin to the head, knocking her back onto the pavement. Buffy leapt through the ruined window on top of her. 

"Just goes to show what _you _know." She panted, trying to get her arms free to punch. "That outfit was waaay too 80's to be cool. Plus, with _those_ hips you'd never get into it." The Bot gave a shove, sending Buffy flying off her and skidding across the large pool of water that had formed. She slammed into a lamppost, cracking her head sharply on it, and saw stars. 

"You're evil! I fight evil." The Bot said simply, coming over and yanking her up. Buffy shook her head, trying to focus as the Bot dragged her around. "You must be stopped. You must-" She paused abruptly, a surprised look on her face. Buffy blinked and Giles was standing in the distance, crossbow in his hands. The others were with him, holding weapons, ready to attack. The Bot dropped Buffy with a splash and reached around, yanking the arrow out of her shoulder. "Hey! You shot me, you big dumb jerks!"

Buffy flipped up and gave her a vicious roundhouse, shattering her glasses and sending the Bot to the cement. "_You're_ the big dumb jerk!" She retaliated.

The Bot looked up at her, face exposed, and Buffy gasped in shock. "Nice move! I have to go now. Have a nice day!" She scrambled up and ran off across the street and into the bushes, disappearing quickly. Buffy watched her go, too astonished to give chase.

"Buffy!" Willow called, running over, stake in hand. She didn't answer, still staring into the distance. "Buffy, are you okay?"

Buffy nodded silently.

"That was a strong vampire. She kicked your ass." Anya said, getting yet another look from the group. 

"That wasn't a vampire." Buffy muttered.

"Who was it then?" Xander asked. Buffy finally turned and looked at her friends, confusion all over her face.

"Me."

The group stared at her, water running over them in droves, not blinking. "Huh?" Xander said, finally.

"Well put." Giles stepped in, ready to take charge. "What do you mean Buffy?"

Buffy wiped the water off her face. "I mean, she was _me._ She looked just. Like. Me. I mean, exactly like me. Not a wee bit, not in a, 'hey, that girl kinda reminds me of you' way, but, me. To the last detail. And she said she was the Slayer."

Willow turned to Anya. "It was you all along, wasn't it!" She said, accusingly. "You did another spell to get your pendant back, and brought some kind of psudo-Buffy here in the process!"

"I didn't!" Anya said, looking quite offended. "And you're one to talk, little Miss Spell-Gone-Wrong!" She gave Willow a slight shove with her last word in emphasis.

"Hey!" Willow said, angry. "Don't _shove_ me!" She pushed back, sending Anya stumbling slightly.

"Now, girls..."Giles said, worried.

"She started it!" Anya answered, pouty, and gave Willow another thrust with her fingertips.

"Ow! That one hurt! Giles!" Willow said, looking at the Watcher. She reached out and poked Anya back, making the ex-demon stumble a bit.

"Okay, that's it. I've had it up to my general height with you." Anya said firmly, and grabbed Willow, pushing her to the ground, hard. Willow grabbed at Anya as she went down and Anya's shirt tore, revealing her black lacey bra and heaving chest. Anya gasped, looking at the damage. "You! You...you...that cost a lot of money!" She jumped on top of Willow and ripped her shirt right off in retaliation, throwing it away angrily. Willow shrieked and tried to cover franticly, breasts peeking out the top of her white cotton bra, pink nipples prominent against the wet material. Anya threw herself on top of her, shouting about the exchanges of goods and services, and how Willow was obviously a communist pig.

"Oh good lord." Giles turned away, mortified at the sight.

"Uh..." Buffy said, completely at a loss on how to handle this. 

Giles looked at Xander. "Do something." He demanded, his Englishness making it impossible to function in the current situation.

"Anya...Willow..." Xander took a step forward, torn between concern for his best friend and girlfriend, and being incredibly turned on by the sight of two gorgeous, half-dressed girls wrestling in the water. They ignored him, rolling around and screeching. He shrugged. "Well, I tried."

Giles resisted the urge to smack Xander and instead gave Buffy a beseeching look, making her sigh. 

"Okay, okay." She sloshed over to the rolling tangle of wet, shiny limbs and paused, not really sure where to grab. Closing her eyes, she reached in blindly, pulling out Willow, who was looking as mad and miserable as a wet kitten.

"Xander!" Anya stood up, sporting a large, bright red scratch on her cheek. "Make Willow apologize."

Willow gasped, trying to wipe at her bloody nose and hide her front at the same time. "Me?" She demanded. Giles quickly handed her his blazer and she gratefully slipped it on. "You're the one who started it."

Anya stomped her foot, making her breasts jiggle enticingly, sending a splash over Willow's legs. "_You_ started it, with a slanderous remark against me. Slanderous and untrue, and, and...and I could sue you." She pointed at Willow, glaring at her through the downpour. "For slander." Xander gulped and reached over, trying to pull her ruined top closed to hide the evidence of just how very cold the water was.

"Go ahead!" Willow said, smug now. "I'm Jewish!" The group looked at her and she raised her chin a notch. "Well...I'm sorry, but I'm a little upset right here. So I made a bit of a racial comment. Big deal, I'm entitled to a moment every now and then."

"All right, I think we're all a little over-stimulated..." Giles said. He looked over at a glazed-eyed Xander and winced at his choice of words. "I think we should all go and get some rest. We'll meet up tomorrow morning to talk further about this other Slayer." He looked around. "Where's Buffy gone to now?"

******************************************************

"What a bunch of nimrods." Spike shook his head, watching the scene from the woods. "I can't believe-Oh! Cat fight!" He grinned, leaning forward a bit to get a better view, but was suddenly yanked back by the scruff of his coat. "Hey!"

"Spike. I should have known it was you." Buffy said coldly, arms crossed. She glared at him, hair still dripping icy water on the ground.

Spike scoffed, looking innocent. "Why am I always to blame? I was just out for a lovely evening stroll. Minding my own business, I was. I don't know what you're talking about. " Buffy pointed to the riot behind him. "Oh. That." He shrugged. "Well, you can't blame a fellow for coming out to watch the festivities. A person has to get a spot of violence in somehow, even if it is vicariously."

Buffy shook her head. "You're pathetic." 

Spike snarled and lunged at her, getting a bolt of white-hot pain for his trouble. He buckled, holding his head and groaning miserably. Finally the pain cleared enough for him to look up at her, eyes narrow. "You'd better watch yourself Slayer. You have no idea what I'm capable of."

"Well, if you're talking about scaring me by clutching at your head and yelling 'ow ow!' you've succeeded. Oooh! Very scary." She scoffed. "I'm terrified."

"God I hate you _so much." _Spike muttered, looking at her. His eyes traveled over her body, taking in the way everything clung in all the right places, how her nipples stood out against the wet fabric of her shirt. They lingered, making Buffy shuffle uncomfortably. "Hate you." He said, face softening. His body relaxed as he stared at her and he slowly got to his feet. Buffy watched him; unable to move from the melting look he was giving her. One hand reached out and he traced her outline, traveling down. "Hate....you." He whispered, one finger paused over by her nipple, touch feather light. Buffy was panting now, frozen. All she had to do was take deep breath he'd be touching her. 

"Spike..." Buffy whispered. They stared at each other. "You're trembling."

"So are you." Spike whispered back.

"I'm cold." She said, but it lacked conviction. 

Spike's head lowered and his lips brushed against hers, softly, making her gasp a bit in surprise. She didn't pull away like Spike expected; instead she leaned in with a little moan. "Buffy." He said against her mouth, reaching to pull her close. 

Buffy felt his hands on her shoulders and she broke away in a panic, shoving him back. He stumbled, surprised. 

"Stop _doing_ that!" Buffy gasped, staring at him. 

Spike straightened. "Because you like it too much." He said, smug. She glared.

"Shut up Spike." She crossed her arms and sighed. "I liked it better when you were trying to kill me."

"Well, it _is_ called '_The Little Death'_..." 

She punched him and he went down into the grass. "I'm leaving." She announced, stomping off.

"Buffy-" He called after her, still down on the ground. She paused, not turning around and he felt that familiar irritation rise again, along with that other, also familiar rising. "Fine. Go back to your Scoobies. Looks like Harris was about to spill in his pants back there, better get him home." He smirked as she whirled around, disgusted. "Not my fault the kid's a wanker."

"Shut your mouth Spike." Buffy spat, face pink and flushed.

"Shut it for me, Slayer." Spike drawled, leaning back against the earth, arms behind his head, looking entirely too comfortable and relaxed for Buffy's liking. Oh, she'd put him in his place, and good.

"I'm going to see Riley." She blurted, pleased as Spike's head shot up, startled. Pleased by the reaction, she continued. "I think I have a kink in my neck..." She stretched sinuously, watching Spike watch her hungrily. "...And well, Riley, he gives such _nice_ full. Body. Massages."

Spike's face hardened as she smiled and took off through the bushes to her friends and the waiting car. He watched as she ran, his body frozen with anger, jaw rigid. Play _that_ game, would she? Well, he'd show her. He wasn't some little frat boy to be led about by the nose, oh no, he was dangerous, and she'd be good to learn that.

"That girl looks just like me."

Spike didn't look away from the street as Giles drove off. "Yes pet, she certainly does."

"Can we go back to your crypt now? I can do the splits you know."

Spike stood up slowly and looked at Buffybot. "No. We need to go see someone. There's something I need you to do, sweetheart."

Buffybot smiled, slipping her hand into his. "Yes Spike."


	9. Chapter Nine

yeDISCLAIMER: It's a fine line between love and hate. I walk it every day. *pets her Joss doll lovingly* Just when I think I'm going to give Joss up, he sends me the nicest love letter. *reads* 'Dear mr. monkeybottoms, I swear to fucking Christ, if you don't stop with the constant stalking I WILL have you shot by my bodyguards. Consider this fair warning. Signed, Joss W.' Isn't that sweet? I mean, did you read between the lines? He _swears, _ and he _will_. Those are wedding vows! God I love that sexy love muffin of hottyness!

THANKS Y'ALL: For reading this, I give you all big-o hugs-o.

THE PREVIOUSLIES: Spike had a plan. An evil plan. A plan of evil. The gang found a riot. Buffy broke the fire hydrant. The Bot kicked Buffy's ass all over the place. Spike watched and smirked. Giles saved Buffy and the Bot ran off. Anya and Willow hissed and spat like furious kitties and tore each others tops while wrestling in the water. Xander got excited. Giles said, 'Oh my lord', or something like that. Buffy saw Spike in the bushes and accused him of being responsible for the riot. Spike kissed Buffy. All soft like. Aww! Buffy got mad and took off, after teasing Spike about Riley. Spike came up with another use for the Bot. What is it? Well, tune in now to find out, sucker! I pity the fool who doesn't read chapter 9!

***********************************************************************

Riley almost didn't notice the couple as he walked by, too busy thinking and brooding, head down as he went. He would have walked right by them if the small moan hadn't drifted over to him, the feminine voice carried over by the summer breeze. He glanced over, seeing the small arms wrapped around the man's back, clutching and grabbing at the leather coat as they kissed. Necked really. It was shameful the way those two were going at it, and in the middle of campus too. Granted, it was late at night, but didn't people have morals anymore? The couple shifted as he came closer, faces exposed, and Riley froze, watching the blonde man practically shove his tongue down the throat of the girl he loved. The girl who'd dumped him so abruptly just a few hours ago in the coffee shop. His stomach clenched as Buffy sighed and whispered the man's name, not noticing as the man slid his eyes slyly over to him, watching his reaction. 

"Buffy-" He choked, unable to say anything else. Buffy stopped kissing the guy and turned to him, eyes wide.

"Riley." She said, frowning. "What do you want? I'm busy. Kissing Spike. He's got a long leather coat you know." She stroked Spike's arm and he grinned at Riley, giving him a little wink.

Riley swallowed hard, determined to stay calm and rational. His military training slipped in, making his face expressionless. "Buffy." He nodded coolly. "Just on my way to the dorm." 

"Oh well, don't let us keep you then mate." 

Riley watched Spike as his hand slid up Buffy's waist to casually cup at her breast, fingers pinching her nipple gently. Buffy didn't seem one bit embarrassed by the fondling, instead of pushing him away like Riley hoped she leaned against him, sighing deeply.

"Oh Spike!" She breathed, and Riley felt his heart twist.

"Alright. Goodbye then. I hope you and..." He paused, giving Spike the once-over, eyes narrowing when Spike blew him a little kiss. "Spike here have a happy life together." He turned to leave.

And looked directly into the furious, and mortified eyes of Buffy.

"Oh shit." Spike said.

************************************************************************

Buffy thought she may die from the eight million different emotions running through her as she watched Spike mack with her Evil Twin. Of course, there was the customary disgust that always came with seeing Spike, followed by the outrage that he was trying to screw things up with Riley and her. The distress at seeing how hurt Riley was came next, with guilt sweeping in at the idea that it was her fault Riley was upset. Fury was the next emotion, fury that Spike was kissing _her_, kissing and-oh god-grabbing her! Damn pervert! And, way down, deep, deep down in the not-to-be-acknowledged file, was the tiny twinge of jealousy at seeing Spike's lips on another girl. It sat really far down, and was squashed ruthlessly when it tried to wiggle it's way to the surface. 

Spike looked up to smile mockingly at Riley, and their eyes met. Spike's widened.

"You." Buffy snapped, pointing at Spike, who immediately let go of the breast he was clutching. "You are _so _dusted!" She grabbed at her stake and Spike held his hands out in submission.

"Now Slayer..." He stopped abruptly as she threw the stake at his heart, ducking out of the way. "Now now. There's no need to get testy. Just a little bit of fun is all."

"Fun?" Buffy snapped. "Fun?! I'll fun you alright..."

Spike cocked an eyebrow. "You promise?"

"Shut up Spike, just...shut. Up." She glared at him, trying to decide the most painful way to kill his smirking ass, followed by a round of major kicking of the skanky Buffy's ass.

Riley stepped forward, forehead wrinkled in confusion. "Buffy..." Both Buffy and Buffybot looked at him and he blinked. "Why are there two of you?"

"I'm Buffy!" The Bot smiled at him, "And I don't like you! I like Spike. He's better in bed than you, and his cock-"

"Pet, " Spike interrupted nervously, "Let's not do this now, hmmm?"

Buffy's mouth dropped open. "Oh my god. You're using her to break us up? What kind of lame villain _are_ you?" 

"Spike's the baddest villain there is! You can't get badder than Spike, or sexier. " Buffybot trilled happily. "He's William the Bloody! He's the Scourge of Europe too. He painted a tapestry of death and terror all across the world and.."

Buffy put a hand to the throbbing vein in her head and sighed. "Shut up you idiot. I swear, she makes Harmony look like a rocket scientist. Did you tell her all that?" "

Spike looked around. "Uh..."

The Bot shut her mouth and smiled at Buffy. 

Buffy went to Riley. "Riley, _I'm _ Buffy. That...that's some sort of anti-Slayer." She took his hand in hers and looked at him, worried. "You can tell the difference, right?"

Riley looked nervous. "Buffy, you both look exactly the same." He peered at the both of them, Buffy clutching his hand tightly, and the Bot, grinning silently, and shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"Hell, I bet he wouldn't have been able to tell the difference even if she climbed into bed with him. Would you Riley?" Spike asked. Buffy looked stricken, and Spike smiled. "Hell, your friends couldn't tell, so why should lover boy be able to?"

Buffy felt the words fall on her like a ton of bricks. Riley was supposed to know her best, and yet he'd had no idea it wasn't her. He still couldn't tell them apart even while looking at the two of them together. What did that say about their relationship? Did no one truly know her? She glanced at Spike and his smile faded at the look on her face.

"Buffy-" 

She turned away from him, wiping at her cheeks quickly and he suddenly felt the fun go out of the game. There was an uncomfortable silence. The Bot smiled widely.

"Maybe we should talk..." Riley said finally, uncertain. He put his arm on Buffy's shoulder and she nodded, still looking down. "Should I kill Spike for you?" He asked soothingly. 

"Just bloody try it." Spike said menacingly.

"Oh, and who's gonna stop me, your Twin Slayer?" Riley asked, turning to pick up the stake Buffy had thrown. It was kicked out of his hand before he'd even straightened, followed by a punch in the belly. Riley staggered, retaliating with an uppercut of his own. He looked up and gasped. "Oh god! Buffy, I'm so sorry! I didn't know it was you-"

"I'm right _here_." Buffy stood to the side, arms crossed. She pointed to the Bot. "That's not _me._ God, we aren't even wearing the same outfit!" Her face twisted again and she took off, ignoring Riley as he called after her.

"Buffy, wait..." Riley sighed, watching her go, her shoulders slumped.

"You shouldn't hit Spike!" Buffybot said, looking scandalized. "I had to smack you!"

Riley turned to Spike, furious, but was immediately blocked by the Bot. Spike smirked and shrugged as Riley glared at him.

"What can I say mate? She's my protector. Kinda evens things out for us, wouldn't you say?" 

The Bot beamed at Spike and he stroked her long hair, eyes never leaving Riley's. They stood like that until, finally, Riley turned and stormed off into his dorm, slamming the door behind him hard enough to break the frame. Buffybot gasped.

"Destruction of personal property!" She looked at Spike who was gazing off in the direction Buffy had gone. "He's evil!" She snuggled up against his body, petting his side slowly. "Shall we go back to your crypt and have sex now?"

"Hmmm....?" Spike murmured absently. "Oh, sure, you go on, I'll meet up with you later."

"Yes Spike." The Bot took his face in her hands, planting a deep kiss on his lips. He pulled away, looking uncomfortable. "Hurry back, I'll be naked!"

"Will do." Spike answered automatically, obviously thinking of something else. He nodded as she stopped and waved right before she disappeared around a building, then immediately took off in the direction Buffy had gone.

***********************************************************************

She wasn't pouting. Buffy sat on a gravestone, and sucked her lower lip in. No, this wasn't pouting and feeling sorry for oneself because ones friends and boyfriend didn't know the difference between her and someone who just happened to look and sound just like her. This was...contemplating. Yes, thinking about life...and...and, all it's little twists. And turns. And...oh, who was she kidding. Her lip came back out with a huff. Stupid Riley, not being able to tell the difference. The others could be forgive-barely, seeing as how she'd never gotten naked with any of them but Riley? The guy who was supposed to love her more than life itself. You'd _think_ he'd know her immediately. 

Buffy sighed. "What do you want?"

Spike slid out from behind the tree, wearing his best nonchalant face, arms behind his back. "What? Can't a person take a stroll? I _do _live in the graveyard you know."

"Yes, but not this one." Buffy pushed a strand of hair from her face and turned to look at him. "Is that...are those _flowers_?" She asked incredulously.

"What? Oh, these." Spike pulled out the bouquet of half-wilted carnations, the ribbon, _In Deepest Sympathy_, trailing on the grass. "Um, just thought...er..you might..." His feet shuffled.

Buffy sat there, watching him. "You...you aren't..." She trailed off, not sure how to put it. "Those aren't for me are they?" She blurted, not sure if she should laugh or cry at the thought of Spike being...not-Spike.

The flowers were flung into a nearby bush. "Whatever Slayer. As if I'd ever give you flowers." He looked at her, and something flickered across his face, so quickly it was gone before Buffy was even sure she'd seen it. 

"I'm going home." Buffy hopped off the tombstone, trying not to look at the flowers. As if she cared! "Tomorrow I'm coming to your crypt, and you're going to give me answers."

"I'll give you anything you want." It was said with the proper amount of innuendo and was awarded with the customary rolling of the eyes. Both parties felt a bit better.

******************************************************************

"Die! Die, you undead blood sucker!" 

The vampire paused for a split second, just enough for Buffybot to get the stake up from her belt and plunged into it's heart. It dusted quickly. 

Buffybot brushed off her shoulders, pleased. Another vampire gone meant one less evil demon for her to kill and more time to pleasure Spike. She tucked the stake away again and continued onto the crypt, humming a jaunty tune as she went, scanning the dark for more potential wickedness.

"Finally."

The Bot stopped and smiled. "Well hi there! If you were a vampire I'd have staked you by now. Since you're not, I won't."

"Yeah, good." Warren looked around nervously. He'd finally gotten his robot alone. "Come on, we have to hurry."

"Hurry? You're right, we can't keep Spike waiting." Buffybot asked, blinking.

Warren shook his head, eyes wide in the dim light. "No Buffy, I mean we have to get back to the basement, where you belong."

"I belong with Spike." Buffybot took a step back, evading the hand that reached out for her. It was empty in the basement. How would she protect the innocent in the basement? There weren't any horrible beings for her to kill, and no Spike for her to give sexual bliss to. She didn't want to go back there.

"Come on!" Warren grabbed for her again, impatient now. He'd been tracking her for ages now, finally finding her alone, and he wanted to get her back. All that work, and he _still_ hadn't gotten any. It was driving him crazy. He snatched at the front of her filmy top and the delicate material tore, exposing skin, and lots of it. His eyes widened.

Buffybot seize the front of _his_ shirt and he panted in anticipation, leaning in to kiss her. All at once he was being lifted up, arms and legs flailing helplessly. "No one but Spike is allowed to touch me like that!" Buffybot declared, scandalized. "And I don't _want_ to go back to the basement!" She heaved, and he was flying through the air, landing heavily in the grass with a thud, the wind knocked out of him. 

"So there!" She said.


	10. Chapter Ten

DISCLAIMERS: So, I was at the supermarket, picking up some beets, when I feel these eyes on my back. Staring. I turn around and it's Joss, all stalking me and shit. He sees me see him and gets all flustered-like, whipping his dark glasses back up and hunching his shoulders. Cause, you know, I wouldn't recognize him once the clever disguise was back on. "What are you doing here?" I ask him, annoyed. Joss panics, "Oh. Just here to get some...uh..." He grabs the first thing within reach, holding it out to me. "Feminine yeast infection cream?" I ask, reading the box. "Men can get itchy too you know." He says. "You know, The itch? Huh? Itch? An itch I'd like to scratch? Know what I'm trying to say here monkeybottoms? Huh???" He smiles lewdly and I belt him with my beets. Freak.

THANKS: Thanks for reading this, you hot hunk of fanfiction reader you. And sorry about the long time between updates, my stupid computer ate 4 pages if this chapter, so I had to start all over again. *sniffle* I was able to get the disclaimers and previouslies back from an archive. Huh.

LAST TIME ON THE WACKY ADVENTURES YADDA YADDA...: Spike necked with Botty to make Riley jealous. Buffy found them and was mad. Riley was confused. Buffy was sad. Spike was glad, and then sad. The Bot is always happy, so that's all good. Spike felt bad and kinda gave Buffy flowers. Except that he didn't. Warren found his robot and felt sexually frustrated. The Bot tossed Warren when he tried to shove her back into his basement of kinky lust. So there! Nobody puts Botty in the basement.

************************************************************************************************************************************************

What if they're in there having sex?

The thought made Buffy freeze. Usually she would just smash the door open against the wall with a pleasing loud bang. It never failed to make her smile. Now, however, instead of her boot hitting the door, she was frozen with one leg in the air, in mid-kick, terrified of what may be inside.

"This is ridiculous." She said firmly, still balancing. "Is not like Spike is inside doing unmentionable things to me. Well, not _me_, the other me. The Non-me. And I'm talking to myself out loud." She put her foot down and sighed. "This sucks."

_If he's naked, I'll dust him. _ The thought made her feel better immediately, and she drew her foot back again and let it fly, hitting the door so hard it bounced off the wall with a loud crash. She swallowed and threw her shoulders back a bit_._

The place was quiet and a little dark still, despite the late-afternoon sunlight streaming in from the open door. Spike was sitting in his crappy chair, watching his crappy TV, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge her presence, eyes fixed in the screen. She sighed and went over to him, hauling him up and against the wall roughly. He smiled nastily, mouth pressed up on the stone.

"Hello Slayer."

She pushed harder, head cocked for any signs of movement behind her. "Where is she?" 

"Sod off." 

"Spike..." Buffy warned, giving his arm a sharp twist behind his back.

"She's with your boyfriend, giving him the best blow he's ever had." 

Buffy grabbed a healthy amount of hair and used it as leverage to knock his face sharply against the wall. Spike got the message. "She's downstairs waiting for me." He said sullenly, mouth stinging.

"Get her." Buffy ordered and stepped back.

Spike sent her a glare but went to the entrance to his basement. "Oi, Slayerbot! C'mere!"

"Slayerbot?" Buffy boggled at him. "You call her Slayerbot? What kind of stupid name is that?"

"I call her Slayerbot cause that's was she is. A robot." Spike stepped back from the ladder and Buffybot popped her head up through the hole, eyes wide.

"Hey! It's you." The Bot smiled at Buffy and waved a bit. Buffy's mouth dropped.

"She's a _what_?"

*****************************************

"She's a _what_?"

"A robot." Buffy shoved Spike down on the couch, tossing the still-smoking blanket into the corner, ignoring the look he sent her way. 

"I'm not a robot, I'm Buffy!" Buffybot said, blinking at the group. "I go to Sunnydale University."

Buffy groaned. "She doesn't know she's a robot." She said tiredly. "Spike says she is, but...well, he's Spike."

"And what does that mean exactly?" Spike glared.

"It means you're a big fat liar." Buffy turned to Giles, ignoring Spike for the time being. "Can you find out if she is a robot, or a demon or whatever?"

Anya snorted loudly. "Oh, of course. Blame it on the demon. It's always the demon's fault!" 

"Damn straight." Spike muttered from the couch. They nodded at each other on mutual respect.

"Shut up Spike." Buffy ordered. "Giles, what do you think?"

Giles peered at Buffybot closely, eyes squinty. "One would never know she wasn't alive."

"And she feels normal." Xander said, gingerly poking her arm with one finger.

"Thank you!" Buffybot smiled glossily. "Spam spam spam spam, spammity spam! Wonderful spam!"

The room went silent.

"What was that?" Anya asked, frowning. She nodded at Spike. "She's obviously defective. You should get your money back."

Xander waved his arms, gesturing wildly. "No! Wait, I know this!" He tapped his head, thinking. "Oh, it's a code or something...it...it's on the tip of my tongue...the edge of my brain..."

Giles sighed.

"Oh, for the love of... it's _Monty Python _you idiot." Spike said shaking his head. "Bloody Americans."

"_I _knew that." Giles said, offended at the slur.

"That still makes no sense." Buffy came closer, ready to subdue the robot if it went crazy and started smashing things. "Why would she say that?"

Spike sighed. "Don't ask me. She quotes it at the oddest times." Buffy's eyes narrowed at him and he grinned, knowing what she was thinking. He gave her a little wink.

"Oh yeah, I remember that one, with the restaurant that serves everything with Spam." Xander said. "Heh. Vikings."

"Well, let's find out just exactly what she is then." Giles looked at Willow, who was standing on the other end of the room. "Willow, come over here already, I need you to check her over. Really now, this is ridiculous."

Willow stuck her chin out. "That's easy for you to say. She isn't kissing _you_, is she? I'm the one with the smoochie stalker robot problem." Giles raised his eyebrows and she sighed. "Fine." She slid along the wall, eyes fixed warily on the Bot.

"Willow!" The Bot said happily, seeing her. "You go to school with me, and you're my best friend." She flung her arms around her, squeezing tight. Willow's eyes went wide, and before anyone could move, the Bot planted a healthy kiss on her lips.

"Oh dear." Giles murmured.

Willow jumped away, sending Giles an accusing look.

"Why doesn't she kiss me?" Anya demanded. "I'm pretty too, and my breasts are fuller!"

Spike snorted and Buffy turned and smacked him in the head sharply. "Ow!"

"Ok, this is stupid." Buffy pointed at Spike, who was rubbing his forehead. "This is your fault. What did you do?"

"Look Slayer, all I know is some Warren bloke made her." He gave an evil little laugh. "Oh, and she'll do whatever I tell her."

"She takes orders from you?" Buffy asked, mortified. Spike shrugged. "Show me." She demanded. If this robot-thingy actually took orders from Spike they could be in serious trouble. 

"Fine." Spike sighed. "Slayerbot, spin around."

The Bot nodded and started turning quickly in a circle, arms splayed. A hand knocked over the endtable lamp, sending it flying into the wall behind Xander, who ducked wildly.

"Stop." Spike drawled, and she did. "Sing."

Buffybot opened her mouth. "Miss Suzie had a steamboat! The steamboat had a bell! Miss Suzie went to heaven! The steamboat went to HELLO operator! Please give me number nine! And if you disconnect me, I'll kick that fat BEHIND the refrigerator! There was a piece of glass! Miss Suzie sat upon it, and cut her big fat a-"

"Please stop." Giles said dryly.

Spike raised his hand, motioning. The Bot smiled.

"That was awful." Buffy took her hands away from her ears, relieved.

"Wait!" They all turned to Anya, who looked panicked. "What happened to Miss Suzie? What did she cut?" Xander whispered in her ear and she nodded. "Oh."

"I wonder if it's the same Warren we went to school with." Willow said suddenly. Buffy frowned. 

"We went to school with a Warren? He didn't go all invisible did he, cause that was so not fun. Also, what a coincidence!"

Willow shook her head. "No, no invisible shenanigans. He was in my chemistry class. And in our study hall."

Xander raised his eyebrows. "We had study hall?"

"We need to find this Warren." Giles said, giving Xander a disappointed look. "He may be up to other unsavory actions, messing around with who knows what terrible forces. Unleashing hellbeasts from within. Practicing the dark arts..."

"Creating an army of girl robots!" Xander joined in excitedly. 

Giles coughed. "Erm, I think he's up to something more evil than that Xander."

"If only we knew what." Willow said, worried.

"Why don't you ask the robot?"

Everyone turned to look at Anya, who was now sitting on the couch next to Spike, then to the Bot, still standing. The Bot's smiled brightened even more, if possible.

Giles stood up straight. "I was just about to do that. Um, thank you Anya." He pulled a chair out for Buffybot, who sat happily.

"Now, erm, Slayerbot-"

"I'm Buffy!" She beamed at him, then frowned. "Sometimes Spike calls me 'pet' or 'honey'. I guess you could call me that." She perked up again. "Oh! And one time he called me 'hot little bitch in heat'. It's a little long, but you could call me that too."

There was a loud gasp. "I _knew it_!" Buffy spat, pointing at Spike furiously. "I knew you were up to no good." She grabbed his hair, roughly hauling him up. Spike yelped in protest as she started to drag him out of the room.

"Stop hurting Spike!" Buffybot gasped, smile gone. She jumped up, knocking her chair over with a clatter. "Stop it, other Buffy!"

Buffy twisted her hand harder, making Spike wince. "Tell her to back off."

"It's fine pet." Spike waved his hand in her general direction, unable to move his head at all. Instead he stared at Buffy's feet. Sexy boots. Sexy little sparkplug that Slayer was- "Ow!" He was pulled forward. "Just, stay there Slayerbot." He called as he was helplessly dragged out of the room.

"Buffy was mad." Anya said in the quiet that followed. She shrugged and sat back down again, promptly bored. A pair of legs came and stood in front of her. She looked up at Willow standing there, arms crossed.

"Your breasts are fuller, but mine are perkier." Willow whispered, giving her a nod in emphasis. "Take that!" She spun on her heel and marched back to Giles, who was righting the overturned chair for Buffybot, and grabbed her laptop. 

Anya pulled her top open and studied herself quietly. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her breasts, and they were just as perky as Willows. 

*******************************************

Buffy threw him against the wall and he hit his shoulder hard. 

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't stake you right now." Buffy snarled, face close to his.

Spike shrugged, holding up his hand and ticking off his points. "One: The robot listens to me, so you need me. Two: I only slept with her once...well, four times, but it was the same night."

Buffy blushed angrily.

"Three," He continued, "I didn't touch her when I figured out it was you." She opened her mouth and he spoke louder, "FOUR: I knew it wasn't you the moment your lips touched mine."

She shut her mouth with a snap, surprised.

"Five," He said slowly, walking towards her. She moved, her back hitting the wall behind her. "Five. You want me."

"As if Spike." She sneered weakly. He cocked an eyebrow but didn't bother to answer, instead he leaned in for a kiss. Her hand shot out and he caught it, twisting it and placing her palm firmly on his pants. He thrust and her hand squeezed his cock, making the both of them groan.

"You want me." He whispered. "And- god!" He gasped as Buffy rubbed harder, "God, I want you." 

Buffy opened her mouth and the next thing she knew, Spike's mouth was on hers, and it was damn good too. She wrapped her hand in his hair again, this time pulling him closer, kissing him back fiercely. Her other hand clutched hard, making him shudder. She smiled a bit, enjoying the power over him, and moved her hand, fingers finding him peeking out the top of his jeans. She circled his head and he shook. She pinched hard and he gasped into her mouth.

"You like that?" She whispered, and he nodded, resting his head in her neck. Who would have know that the Big Bad liked to be dominated? Not to mention the fact that she was really turned on by the idea. She pinched harder.

Spike trembled and kissed her again, trying to regain the control he'd had when this whole thing had started. _He_ was the aggressor dammit! He was the one who'd started all this! And he was going to take charge...in a second...

She had her hand in his pants now, and was stroking the entire length roughly, nails scratching. She jerked her hand up and down, wringing more groans from him, smiling at the pleasure on his face. Her palm cupped his balls and he almost came from the sensation. And when she clutched them in her hot little hand, hard enough to make him wince, he _did _come, gasping, head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut.

Buffy watched him come, fascinated. His hands were up at his head, nails scraping the plaster. He was completely hers. The though made her shiver. His eyes opened slowly and the look in the made her shiver more.

"Your turn." He said firmly, and Buffy felt a rush between her thighs even as she shook her head. He ignored it, suddenly the aggressor once more. "Come here."

He grabbed her, pulling her over to the sink, plopping her down on it with a jolt. "I've always wanted to eat you Buffy." Spike whispered, pulling her pants off with a yank. "But this way is so much, much more pleasant." His hands pushed her thighs apart, thumbs pressing firmly on her lips, easily finding her spot. She arched. "Mmmm, good girl." He said, and leaned forward, licking at her through her little blue panties. "Oh god you taste-"

"Buffy? Lemme in!"

They both froze, looking at the door.

Xander knocked again. "Buff? C'mon, you can kill Spike later. The little fireman needs to put out the flames!" He paused, reconsidering. "Well...not 'little'..."

"I'm going to rip that little blighter's head right off-" Spike stopped at the look in Buffy's eyes. "Oh. Fine then. 'Goodness! I sure am pleased that we were interrupted!'" He said in a mock-bright voice.

Buffy jumped up, pushing Spike aside, grabbing for her pants. "Just a second Xander!" She shouted, one leg in, hopping. Spike watched her, still kneeling at the sink, making her that much more flustered. "I just have to hit him a few more times!" She shouted, trying to buy some more time. She caught sight of her face in the mirror and stopped hopping. "Gah!" She smoothed frantically. 

"All ready?" Spike asked, standing up slowly. He looked totally normal, face neutral. She nodded. "Off we go then." 

"Spike!" Buffy hissed, and he stopped. "Don't...I mean, I..uh."

Spike nodded. "No worries Slayer. I won't say boo."

Buffy opened the door to a dancing Xander. "Thanks Buff." He said. "I drank too many Dr. Pepper's."

"Goody for you." Spike snarled, enjoying fantasy number 14: Punching right through Harris' ribcage and tearing his heart out with a simple twist. Stupid bugger.

"Ah Buffy. You're back." Giles looked up at them, pleased. "Willow's found Warren's address."

Anya nodded. "Yes. And my breasts are perky." She said, pointedly.

Buffy paused, then decided to ignore that last bit. "Okay. I guess it's off to Warren's house. As soon as Xander gets back from the, uh, bathroom, it's geek-bashing time!"


	11. Chapter Eleven

DISCLAIMERS: I am so breaking up with that Joss guy! I mean, who does he think he is, going off and leaving me for that hussy 'Firefly'? That show is SUCH a whore too! Screw him. Screw him all to hell.

THANKS: The updates are getting longer and longer...sigh. Life and work and school and yadda yadda. Sorry y'all. Oh, and thanks to Bub. I stole her famous word: 'UNGH'. And I am still waiting for the fic she promised me, in which the entire cast of BTVS say nothing but UNGH for the entire story. HAW!

WHAT'S HAPPENIN', HOT STUFF?: Well, let's see. Buffy took Spike and Buffybot to Giles'. Anya has perky breasts. Botty kissed Willow, again, who was more than tired of it. Spike demonstrated his power over the Bot by making her spin and sing. Buffy dragged Spike off to the bathroom to beat on him, but instead gave him a hand-job. How the hell did THAT happen, you ask? Well, hey, Spike is sexy. Anyways, Xander interrupted Buffy's 'pleasure moment' and they went back out to the living room. Willow demonstrated _her _amazing powers of looking in the phonebook and found Warren's address. Remember him? Warren? That geeky guy? Built the Bot? Anyone? Well anyways, start thinking hard, cause they are off to his house, and I'm pretty dang sure Buffy is pissed off at someone. I mean hey, she's the Slayer! I'd be pissed too!

********************************************

_"Ignitusan plurabim hockil verdia. Sih defigis e seh defisn." _Warren held the small cup over the pentagram drawn on the floor, face solemn. "Take this offering to thy power. Take this offering of thy power. Take this offering from thy power."

He tipped the cup, dribbling the blood from it drop by drop on each point of the star. The lines glowed, first white, then a murky, frightening green. Warren stepped back, pleased, and watched as the light grew and expanded, stepping back from any contact. Soon, the light grew white again, becoming brighter and brighter until he couldn't look into it any longer. He turned his head away, shielding his eyes. There was a terrible crack of noise, then all was silent and dark again.

Warren looked back. The pentagram was gone, and in it's place stood the eight-foot tall _Merexe_. He grinned. "Well. Good to see you made it. Now, let's get on with the killing, shall we? Cause, I've got a little problem, and seeing as how I now own you, you're going to fix it for me.

Merexe looked at the tiny one before him and narrowed one of it's four eyes. "You called me?" It rasped.

Warren frowned. "I'm sorry?" He tilted his head. "Did you say something? It's tough to understand you with all the bloody froth gurgling from your...uh, well, I guess that could be called a mouth. Well, whatever. It doesn't matter, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In your case, eyes."

Merexe frowned menacingly.

"So, I need you to kill the Slayer for me, and this vampire named Spike. They seem to have my robot, and I need it back. I need it back really, really, badl-UNGH!" He choked as Merexe lifted him by the throat with a bumpy claw.

"You called me, puny one?" It hissed again, shaking him like a rag doll. Warren flailed helplessly, collapsing in an untidy heap as the demon suddenly let him go. "You do not control me! Merexe is all-powerful!"

Warren looked up at the beast. "I called you!" He yelled. "I own you! I did the offerings! The ovary of an unborn female child, the finger from the corpse of the dammed! The day-old bagel from the cursed baker! The-"

"You did not offer me thy blood!" Merexe roared. Warren paused.

"Welll...technically, no." He smiled sheepishly. "Not MY blood per say. The blood of the Red Cross. See, my own blood makes me faint. It always has, since I was a kid and my tooth fell out and I saw all this blood on it...rather tramatic, when you're only five, and my Mom, she said..."

"Silence!" The demon swiped a long arm and Warren's desk was suddenly cleared in a noisy clatter. "Shut up, little one! No blood, no power!"

Warren scuttled over to the corner, thinking quickly. "We can work it out! Make a deal, the two of us!" Merexe ignored him, coming closer. Warren panicked. "You can take my Mom!"

Merexe paused. "I will take thy mother." It said slowly, spraying Warren with pink bubbly liquid as it talked. 

Warren wilted in relief.

"I WILL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU!" Merexe screamed, and swooped down.

**********************************

"I don't see why we all had to go." Anya complained, following the gang up the sidewalk. "I mean, it's just one little geek. How hard will it be to stop a geek? What's he going to do, type madly on his computer at us? He IS a geek after all."

Willow stopped suddenly and turned around. "I take offence to the word 'geek'. I think you should use something more politically correct."

Anya raised her eyebrows. "Oh? And what would you like me to use? 'Coolness-challenged'? 'Fashionly-disabled'?"

Xander gave a short laugh, stopping at Willow's look. "Just call him Warren, okay An?"

"Thank you Xander." Willow said, smiling. 

"_Thaaaya Xaaaya."_ Anya mimicked under her breath, feeling stung by her boyfriends defection.

"I heard that!" Willow hissed, turning back.

"Shhh!" Buffy whispered, standing at the bottom of the front steps. "Be quiet, we don't want anyone hearing-"

The porch light flipped on and they froze, weapons in hand.

The front door opened and, as one, the weapons disappeared behind their backs. A tidy-looking woman with fluffy hair poked her head out, looking surprised at the amount of people in front of her house. "Oh!" Warren's mom smiled tentatively. "Can I help you?"

No one moved. 

"Oh, for the..." Spike rolled his eyes at the frozen Scoobies and stepped forward a bit. "Is Warren home?"

Warren's mom smiled. "Warren? Oh of course he is. Are you friends of his?"

They all looked at each other.

"Yes!" Anya piped up.

"How wonderful!" Warren's mom smiled, relieved that her son finally had a social life. 

"I'm his girlfriend!" Anya blurted out, warming to her role. She pointed to Xander in contempt. "I _used_ to go out with him, but once I met Warren, well, it was all over for us. Warren's a _real_ man."

"Hey!" Xander looked at Anya, upset.

Warren's mom looked at the group, taking in the upset-looking young man (thrilled that her son had gotten such a pretty girl from that attractive boy), to the older gentleman (a little old to be hanging out with such a young crowd. Maybe he was a chaperone), to the incredibly handsome blonde man (she swallowed a bit) and finally at the four girls.

"Are you twins?" She asked, nodding at Buffy and the Bot. Buffy looked mortified.

"They bloody are." Spike said, getting a dirty look from the Slayer.

Warren's mom blinked a bit. "Why is she holding an axe?"

The Scoobies looked at the Bot, standing at the steps, heavy battleaxe still in plain view, smiling brightly.

"She's a fireman. Firewoman. Person. A fireperson." Buffy said, wide-eyed. "She fights fires."

"Never leaves home without it." Spike patted the Bot on the back heartily. "Our little rescue ranger!"

"Thank you Spike!" The Bot gave him a loving glance.

"That's nice." Warren's mom said, mesmerized by Spike's accent. He noticed and stood up straighter.

"So, what's a lovely young woman like yourself doing home on a beautiful night like tonight?" He came up the steps, a slight smile playing across his lips. "I imagine some dandy's swept you off your feet. Or maybe Mr. Warren has chased them all away?"

Warren's mom patted her hair, flustered. "Oh, there's no Mr. Warren here." She stammered, blushing. Spike titled his head, eyes giving her the once-over, lingering on her modest blouse.

"Mmmm...how convenient." Spike leaned against the doorframe, eyes not leaving hers.

Buffy crossed her arms, watching the display. "So." She said loudly. "About Warren..."

"I love that material." Spike drawled, ignoring Buffy. "It looks soft." His voice dropped down to a whisper. "But not as soft as your skin I imagine."

"Oh my!" Warren's mother stroked her shirt, giving Spike a shy smile. "Such a flirt!" They laughed together, Spike turning his head and grinning at Buffy over his shoulder, enjoying her furious expression. "Oh! How rude of me!" Warren's mom stepped back, motioning with her hand. "Please, come in."

Spike stepped over the threshold, sending a smirk at the others. "Why, thank you...I'm sorry, I don't know your name..."

Warren's mom paused. It had been a while since someone had actually cared. "Lenore."

Spike paused, almost oozing sexuality. "_For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."_ He quoted, making her knees weak.

Buffy stomped up the stairs, rudely shoving her way past the lovebirds. "Where's Warren?" She asked, moving aside for the others.

"Oh, downstairs. I think he's playing video games, there's been a lot of shouting and yelling. He loves his gamebox, my Warren. Never wants me to go down there, says I'd break something-" She was cut off by a piercing scream. "Ah yes, there he goes again."

Giles looked at the basement door. "Mmm. Perhaps we should go...erm, partake in the 'video games'?" He said, looking at Buffy. She nodded and ran over, throwing the door open. More screams could be heard.

"I'll make some Kool-Aid." Warren's mom shuffled off to the kitchen, humming. 

******************************************

"Warren?" Buffy ran down the stairs, stopping suddenly at the sight she found. "Oh wow. Ugly."

Spike followed, stopping suddenly at the last step. "Bugger."

"What smells?" Xander asked, face screwed in a twist. He peered over the railing and almost fell the last five steps in shock. "Holy mother of pearl!"

Anya followed Xander, dragging the baseball bat she'd swiped in the hallway behind her. It thumped down each step as she walked. "Hey! I found a great weapon! It's good for swinging and hitting, causing much pain and humiliation for your opponent, and...oh." She stopped and waved at the slobbering demon holding the shaking body of Warren. "Hi there Merexe."

Merexe paused in his threatening of the wee human and turned, taking in the crowd that had gathered at the bottom of the stairs. "Anyanka! Blessed be, it's been eons! You look not a day over 800!"

Anya shrugged and fiddled with the bat, pleased by the compliment. "Why thank you! And you look great too..." She gestured vaguely at it's broken teeth and oozing body. 

"Please tell me you don't know this demon." Xander said, rather tiredly. He looked over at Merexe, who had turned away again and resumed shaking Warren. "I mean, look at him. He's all...eyed and Cujoed. And not in a good way."

Buffybot peered around Xander. "I need to slay that demon!"

"Whoa back there, you." Buffy held up a hand and the Bot paused, head tilted. "Just hold on, Anya may have some important information on how to defeat this monster. No need to rush in all willy-nilly now, is there?"

"_I_ think there's a reason!" Warren yelled, in between shakes. They ignored him.

Giles cleared his throat nervously. "Anya, what can you tell us about this demon? Any weaknesses?"

Anya shook her head. "Oh, defeat Merexe? No, Buffy can't. He'll kill her, and then slaughter us as we try to flee in terror. It's hopeless really." She poked Xander in the side, voice lowered conspiringly. "If we sneak away now, we can get out before the carnage."

Willow looked at Giles, wide-eyed.

"Thank you for that, Anya." Giles nodded towards Buffy. "I think you'd better use extreme caution."

Buffy looked at him. "You think?" 

Giles frowned. "Sarcasm will not help right about now."

Warren tried to focus on the people gathered in his basement, feeling a bit groggy after all the pummeling. "I thought you helped people!" He pointed unsteadily. "You're The Slayer! So slay!"

Buffybot looked at Warren, her programming urging her to protect him warring with her reluctance to enter the basement again. "I slay demons." She whispered as she watched Warren struggle against Helexe. "I have to protect the innocent!" 

Buffy turned to Spike, who was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking bored. "How well does she fight?"

Spike straightened. "Not as well as I do." 

They stared at each other. "And I'm supposed to trust you, why?"

"You know damn well why." Spike's jaw clenched, annoyed with her.

"That proved nothing."

"It proved everything!"

"In the way that it didn't."

Willow came forward nervously. "Um, Buffy?" She pointed to Merexe, who had started chanting unintelligibly, a dark glow forming in the other end of the room. "This isn't looking too great for Warren. I think he's opening a portal."

"He's opening the door to his nest. We're fodder for his brood." Anya said, matter-of-factly. "They'll devour us alive in horrifying pain. Can we go now?" 

Xander poked his head between Buffy and Spike, who were still glaring at each other. "I vote we drop the secret code-talk till after the battle. There's a big nasty oozing nightmare that wants to use me for baby food and, I gotta be honest here, not liking the idea. I'm not liking the idea of Spike even more, but we need him." 

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but Xander's right." Giles said. 

Buffy sighed. "Fine. Spike, Giles, the robot and I will go in fighting. Xander and Anya, you try to get Warren and his Mom out of the house before they get taken." She glanced at Willow, who was watching Merexe's portal in fascination. We need that door closed. For good."

"No problem Buffy." Willow nodded.

"Okay, let's g-" Buffy stopped as the Bot ran into the fray, axe swinging. "Show off."

The fight began.


	12. Chapter Twelve

DISCLAIMERS: So, I'm at McDonald's with Joss, grabbing a Big Mac meal, supersized, and he turns to me and says, "I need five bucks to cover your order." I look at him in surprise and say, "You're making me pay for my own food, and on a date too?" Joss shrugs, "I don't have enough to cover it. I'm all strapped from getting FIREFLY up and running." I hand him a fiver and turn away. "Fine. God knows you didn't spend it on that 'raising the Satanic Temple' special effect in the BTVS season finale." He bursts into tears and I have to spend the next half hour comforting him. God, he is SUCH a baby.

THANKS: I'd say thanks to Joss Whedon for creating all that is BTVS, but he has forsaken us all. So instead I will give thanks to all the fanfic writers out there. Thanks! And thanks be to thee who reads me and thine. Or whatever. I don't even know what that means.

SUMMARY: Yeah. So, Warren called up _Merexe_, a nasty, oozy, four-eyed demon (Heh. Hey, four eyes!) to kill off Buffy and Spike so he could get Buffybot back. Too bad for him that he used someone else's blood and was getting a world of hurt instead. Spike flirted with Warren's mom to make Buffy jealous. Buffy stomped around. Willow and Anya argued some more. Xander thought about naked girls. Spike thought about me. 'Oh, mr. monkeybottoms' he thought, 'How hot you are as you type! I want to do you so badly that-' Oh wait, did I just type that out loud? Huh. Anyways, the gang went into the basement and saw Warren, a portal to the evil hungry babies of Merexe, and, of course, Merexe. Anya was the only one with a lick of sense, suggesting that they get the hell outta Dodge. That's right Anya! You go girl! They really need to listen to her more. Instead, they made a plan and decided to attack. The Bot ran in early, making Buffy annoyed. And so, we continue...

*********************************

"God, she is such a show-off." Buffy frowned and clutched her sword tighter, ignoring Spike's grin as they advanced on the demon from behind. "Where does she get off taking the first charge? I mean, look at her outfit! It just screams '_I'm Not a Leader_.'"

Spike gave the Bot a once-over, admiring the way her pants hugged her ass as she fought. "I don't see anything wrong with it."

"You wouldn't." Buffy huffed.

The Bot hacked at Merexe, missing him by a mere half-inch, and it stumbled back a bit, almost bumping into the two of them. Spike grabbed him around the throat, squeezing tight. "Jealous Slayer?" He twisted harder and Merexe growled. 

"Not likely." Buffy thrust deep just as Merexe wrenched away. "Whoops!"

"Watch it!" Spike jumped back, narrowly missing being the meat on the Slayer's monster skewer. He glowered at her and she gave a small shrug. "Don't damage the coat!"

"Stay alert then, vampire." Buffy said as she kicked hard, sending Merexe to the ground.

Buffybot swung her axe again, the blade coming down hard onto the demon's back and slicing deep into it's flesh. It roared and knocked her away with a massive swing, sending her flying across the basement and into a table, which was smashed into ruins. She laid there for a moment, rebooting.

"Oi, Slayerbot!" Spike glanced at her, concerned, but was sidetracked by the swiftly advancing demon, who now looked really, really mad. "Buffy, watch out."

Merexe raised it's arm and threw it out, shoving Spike against the basement wall hard enough to crack the cement. His other arm smashed Buffy to the ground with one massive blow. She grunted a little as she fell, sword sliding across the room. 

Buffybot sat up suddenly, looking at her clothes in dismay.

"My sexy shirt is torn! And you hurt Spike! You'll pay for this !" The Bot shifted, and an odd crunching noise was heard. 

"My never-opened Limited Edition Star Wars figures!" Warren cried from under the computer desk where he was currently cowering, fighting Xander's attempts at dragging him out. He looked close to tears as she stood up, crushing what was left of his collection under her boot heels as she ran over to Spike, who sat up groggily.

"What the bloody hell..." He shifted, pulling out a mangled box from under his coat. "A little old to be playing with dolls aren't you?"

"My never-opened Star Trek TNG figures!" Warren moaned, looking ill.

Buffy rolled and jumped up. "Get out of here Warren." She ordered, holding her hand out. Spike stood and threw her sword at her; she caught it effortlessly and spun, sending her blade downwards. A huge gash opened along Merexe's belly and a pungent brown puss leaked out, making everyone gag from the stench.

"My autographed picture of Bill Gates!" Warren held his head in anguish as the thick mucus-like blood splattered across the walls.

Anya bent down, peering at him as he cringed under the desk. She reached out her hand and he kicked at it, making her pull back quickly. "Hit him Xander!" She commanded, immediately tired of trying to grab on to Warren from his hiding spot. She held her shirt over her nose, grimacing at the stench filling the basement. 

"I'm trying, believe me!" Xander panted, pulling Warren. He looked at the howling demon in disgust. "And I thought they smelled bad...from the outside!"

"Buffy!"

Buffy turned and groaned. The portal was growing, despite the attempts otherwise from Willow and Giles. Something fluttered near her foot and she looked down just in time to see a copy of '_Popular Science_' float up a bit and slide along the floor, disappearing into the black tear. Her eyes met with Willow's scared ones. "Everybody run!"

Warren suddenly jumped out from under the desk, shoving Xander into Anya and knocking the two of them to the floor as he ran. His feet beat a frantic tattoo as he barreled up the steps and disappeared with a slam of the door, locking it behind him. 

"He locked the door!" Willow cried, hair whipping about as the portal began to grow stronger, sucking a poster of Carmen Electra off the wall and into the void. She staggered a bit, making her way over to the stairs by the rest of them. "I knew he was a big jerk! I knew it ever since that time he stole my highlighter in senior year. Oh sure, he said he didn't do it, but I knew he did, he was the only one with the motive, all saying how he liked the way it made the important words look even more important..."

"Yes, well, I believe a locked door is the least of our concerns right now." Giles grabbed his crossbow and fired a bolt at Merexe, who was still screaming and writhing from the injury Buffy had given. The suction from the portal was increasing, making more and more items whip around their heads; it sucked the arrow away from it's course and it disappeared into the hole.

"Giles is right." Anya nodded solemnly. "What's really important is that Warren pushed me and I fell on Xander's penis. Now he may be broken."

The gang looked at Xander, who was crouched half-over, face screwed with pain. He held a hand up pleadingly.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." His other hand cupped his pants gingerly. "And, so _not_ enjoying the eyes on the frontal area."

Spike stumbled over, annoyed. "I say we kill this thing once and for all and get out of this rat-hole." He took in the bits of furniture that had begun falling into the void. "God, it's even more depressing than Harris' place." 

"Is not!" Xander protested.

Buffy nodded to Giles. "Spike's right. Get them out of here any way you can before you're all Demon Kibble. Spike and I will finish this off."

"So will I!" The Buffybot said happily. "I protect the innocent! I'm the Slayer!"

Buffy stood up straight, pushing her hair away from her face. "_I'm_ The Slayer. _I _was Chosen. Me. You were made by some freaky psycho-geek." 

Anya raised her hand. "Um...Willow doesn't like that word. And, according to Willow, we all have to do what she says, even if she _didn't_ close the portal like she was supposed to."

"You couldn't even get a nerd out from under a desk! I believe my job was a little more difficult, thank you." Willow crossed her arms, looking offended.

Anya gasped. "You said nerd! Xander!" She turned to him and pointed at Willow accusingly. "I can't say geek but she can say nerd! That's a double standard, thank you very much, just like when gay people call each other fags and then cry when _we_ do!"

Xander looked around, almost convinced there was a gay man lurking behind a corner, ready to get upset. "Listen An, we'll talk about it later okay?"

"Later later, it's always later!" Anya crossed her arms and pouted. "You're darn tootin' we'll talk about it, as soon as Buffy kills this demon."

Willow crossed her arms as well, echoing Anya's stance. "Yes, and then you can have wild make-up sex." She muttered under her breath, frowning.

Buffybot frowned, concerned. "Willow, I hate to see my best friend upset. You need a hug." She stepped forward, sending Willow half-way up the steps.

"No no, no need to hug." She held her hands out defensively. "Just stay there with the other Slayer...I mean, Buffy! Stand beside Buffy!" She sent Buffy and apologetic look at the faux-pas.

Spike sighed, impatient. They needed to get on with the killing, and maybe a spot of maiming too. Maiming always relaxed him. "Fine." He pointed at Buffy. "_You're _ the Slayer. And as we have this lovely chat your demon friend is thinking about how hungry the kiddies are." He slid his game face on and smiled evilly. "Let's kill them all."

"Nice. Is that all you think about?" Buffy walked towards Merexe, who was glaring at them, still clutching it's side. Spike shrugged.

"That's not _all_ I think about." He licked his lips at her, his pointy teeth gleaming whitely, looking for all the world like the Big Bad Wolf. Buffy made a face.

"Eww Spike! Gross much?"

Spike followed her, his coat flapping around his legs madly. "What?" He yelled over the ever-increasing noise, ducking as a keyboard zipped by his head and into the void. There was the faint sound of battering as Xander and Giles struggled with the basement door.

"I said-oh, forget it." She snapped and spun her sword menacingly, facing off with Merexe, Buffybot and Spike flanking her on either side. 

"Hi!" The Bot waved and pointed to the axe still buried in it's back. "I need that back."

Merexe looked at the three before it and laughed. Grabbing the Bot he picked her up over his head.

"Hey! Put me down you horrid thing!" 

Buffy pulled her sword back, ready to cut it's hairy arm off. As she swung backwards it was sucked out of her grasp and she spun around in surprise, watching it disappear into the portal. "Well. That's just great. That was my favorite sword too."

Merexe kicked, knocking Buffy into the metal pillar. He laughed again, heaving Buffybot and she landed on Spike, sending them sliding.

"You shed the blood of a Merexe. You will pay for that, human." Merexe spat, bending down and dragging a still-groggy Buffy up. "You will pay with your life."

"Don't think so." Buffy spun, her foot twisting around his legs, and sent him down. He landed on his back, pushing the axe in even deeper, and screamed loudly. As he rolled over Buffy jumped on him, hands on the handle. She tugged fruitlessly, wrenching hard. The handle broke, making her fall backwards, the head still embedded in his skin. 

"Stupid axe." She muttered, watching as Merexe got back up and fixed all four baleful eyes on her. He jumped, arms held wide and she bent down, thrusting up with all her strength, sending the splintered ends of the handle deep into one of it's eyes. Merexe fell like a ton of bricks, dead before it hit the floor.

The portal shut with a snap, furniture falling everywhere with a clatter as the suction disappeared. All was silent.

Spike jumped up and ran over, seeing the motionless body on top of Buffy, who could barely be seen under the huge bulk. 

"Little help?" Buffy's muffled voice came from under the beast. She waved a free hand blindly and felt another take it in a strong clasp. She was pulled out, coming face to face with a concerned Spike.

"Thought you were a goner for a second there Slayer." He said. She scoffed at him.

"You wish." Buffy brushed at the smelly brown pus on her clothes, not pleased with the stench coming off her body. "God I hate it when they bleed on me."

The Bot came over and glared at the corpse. "Your Mother was a hamster and your Father smelt like elderberries!" She cried, hands on her hips. "Hmmph."

"What the? What is she saying? More Minty Python stuff?"

Spike almost died at the mistake. "_Monty._ It's _Monty Python._ Seriously Slayer, I don't know what-"

"Relax, I was kidding." She stuck her tongue out at him. 

"Spike likes it when I used my tongue." The Bot said, making Buffy immediately pull hers back in. "He is the best lover ever!" She hugged him around the waist, ignoring how he squirmed to escape.

Buffy's eyes narrowed into tiny slits. "She is going to be so very re-programmed." She said to Spike. "You and I are going to have a little talk about this."

Buffybot's hand began traveling south and Spike grabbed at it. "I can't help it if she likes my bits and pieces." He said. Buffy snorted and he gave a little smirk. "You seemed to enjoy them."

Buffy's mouth opened. "Shut-"

"Well, it seems Warren has fled." Giles said wearily from the middle of the stairs, interrupting Buffy's venting. He rubbed his shoulder, sighing. "I do believe the boy had no less than a dozen locks on that door."

Buffy gave Spike a final glare and he raised his eyebrows at her in mock offence. She came up to Giles, taking in the weary look on his face and the fact that the rest of the gang was no where to be seen.

"Are you okay?" Buffy ran upstairs and stopped, taking in the group huddled miserably on the living room sofa, eating peanut butter marshmallow squares, a cup of Kool-Aid in each of their hands.

"We're fine, but that woman is a menace." Giles whispered in her ear, motioning towards the plate brimming with sticky snacks. "I only escaped by insisting I went down to get the three of you. I despise peanut butter."

Anya smiled, eating happily. "Oh, Buffy, have you ever had these? Someone shrunk marshmallows into a tiny size, and then Warren's mom made the peanut butter form a protective layer around them for easy consumption!"

"Marshmallow square, dear?"

Buffy looked at the plate thrust into her face, then up into the smiling eyes of Warren's mom in horror.

****************************************

_Bed. My very best friend right now,_ Buffy thought as she pulled on her tank top and shorts, pleased to be out of her wet, icky clothes. When she found Warren there was going to be one mega-large payback. That outfit was really cool. On the plus side, everyone was home safely, she was showered and clean, and her bed was looking mighty inviting right about now.

The sheets were soft and cool to her touch as she slid in with a groan, wincing a bit at the soreness in her back. Dumb demon, all with the wrestling throw-downs, making her achy and cranky. _And frustrated, _the little voice in her head whispered slyly. _Don't forget frustrated._

_Shut up!_ She rolled over huffily, pulling the covers across her shoulders, ignoring the slight throbbing she'd had since The Bathroom.

The sight of Spike kneeling between her thighs seemed to be burned in her head; it was there when she closed her eyes like a damn IMAX, all in Technicolor goodness. _No! Not goodness! Badness! Spike=bad._

Her legs slid together beneath the sheets and she rolled again, sighing. Her hand slipped down her belly and under her tight shorts, down to her...

"Slayer."

Buffy sat up with a little yelp, holding the covers against her chest protectively. "Spike! What the hell are you doing?"

Spike jumped off the sill, shrugging. "You said you wanted to talk. So here I am."

"I didn't say I wanted to talk in the middle of the night in my bedroom!" Buffy noticed him looking at her clutching the sheet up to her chin and dropped it, feeling ridiculous. A thought suddenly dawned on her. "Where's the robot? You're not planning some kinky sex thing are you?"

"Slayerbot is with Willow, just like you said she had to be." The bed creaked slightly as Spike sat on a corner and shook his head at her reprovingly. "I'm sure the little brainiac is busily reprogramming her right now. Tsk Slayer, what a dirty little mind you have. Not everything is about sex with you, you know."

She gave him a look and he laughed. "Who am I kidding? It's all I can think about." He leaned into her and she backed up quickly, falling onto the floor with a thump.

Spike's head popped over the side of the bed and she stared at him as she laid there. "I fell off the bed." She said stupidly. He quirked an eyebrow.

"We can do it there if you like." He purred, making her scramble up quickly.

"Look, this isn't going to happen." She paced the room, a finger in the air, pointing as she made each point. "I'm the Slayer! You're a vampire!"

Spike rolled onto his side, watching her. "That never stopped you with Angel."

Buffy paused. "So _not_ going there. You can't compare the two of you, you're completely not the same! What Angel and I had...it was different. It's a totally different-"

"I thought we weren't going there." Spike stood up.

"We aren't." Buffy blinked as Spike took off his coat, tossing it onto her dresser. He kicked off his boots and they hit the wall with a thump. "What are you doing?" She asked, watching as he started unbuttoning his shirt. "Is that a new top?" Spike didn't answer, just smiled a bit and pulled it open, letting her see his smooth, sleek chest. 

"Are you trying to _seduce _me? Cause, sorry, it's so...not...uh...working..." The top slowly slid down the length of his lean arms to land in a pool under his feet. "Spike, this is ridiculous..." She swallowed heavily as his hands went to his belt buckle. "Not interested. Move along now." 

She watched as he undid his top button on his jeans. _Oh god, he's wearing button-flies. _Pop. Another one opened, revealing more of that hard belly. 

Pop.

"Look, give it up, alright?"

Pop.

"It's not going to work, so go home."

Pop.

She could see the shadow of his hair now, a promise peeking out from the little that was still covering him. "Oh god."

She kissed him.

He grabbed her as she came at him, hand twisted in the mass of her hair, and kissed her back, hard. Half-carrying, half-dragging her to the bed, he still kissed her, barely breaking apart to let her breathe, barely noticing when they felt to the mattress. He kissed her, groaning as he tore at the clothing, gasping as she pulled at his jeans. 

It was as if he couldn't bear for his lips to leave her skin, his lips traveling from her mouth to her face, sweetly kissing her flushed cheeks, hotly kissing her neck. She tasted like the ocean and he licked at her, hungry for more, mouth traveling down now to her shoulders, tongue dancing over her collarbone and down further. Little nibbling kisses at her chest, making her whimper at the sensation. Long, slow licks at her nipples, rolling the tight little pebbles like candy between his cool lips, strong, sucking kisses between her breasts, leaving slight bruises as he went. He swirled his tongue in the navel, making her giggle at the tickling and smiled against her warm skin, sliding ever further until at last he reached what he'd dreamt of, what he'd fantasized about, what he'd craved for so long. 

He dove in. There was no more teasing, no games, just his mouth moving hungrily on her like a man starved, a man dying of thirst. She arched wildly, hands now twisted in his hair as he'd done earlier and he move his tongue even faster, harder, deeper into her. She was drenched, and he was drenched, and it was better than anything he had even dared to imagine. _Nothing has ever been so good, _he thought.

She pulled hard and he was forced to come back up or have his hair torn out. Her legs were splayed out wantonly and her little hand was on his cock.

"I want to taste you." She whispered, eyes glittering in the semi-darkness, the moon shining over her sweet body like silver sunshine. He buried his head in her shoulder at the words, his body shivering.

"I can't." He moaned. "I'll come, and I want to be in you the first time it happens."

Buffy's tongue came out, licking at her lips as she looked at him, contemplating. He pulled his head back, meeting her eyes. 

"Alright then." She guided him to her, the heat searing. "But next time I get to drink you. Promise me."

Spike's breath caught at her words and he thrust sharply. "God, anything you want. Anything." He plunged into again, deeper, eyes locked with hers. "Buffy. _Anything_."

They moved together, eyes never leaving each other's, breath coming harder and harder as they went. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck, clinging tightly as he rode her, legs twined around his, sheets tangled crazily under their bodies.

"Spike." Her eyes started to slide shut as her orgasm approached and he kissed her wildly.

"No." He said, pulling his mouth away. "Look at me. I want to see you."

She opened her eyes again, staring into his. They were such a dark blue with his passion that they seemed almost black, and they held her prisoner, anchored her to him. She shuddered.

"That's it Buffy. Come for me." Spike whispered, making her quake. "Yeah baby, come on now."

She shrieked, back bending like a bow. His mouth was on hers again, licking and sucking as he came with her, his body vibrating from his climax, muscled clenched as he froze deep within her.

The kissed were soft and sweet now, gently raining on her like petals drifting. They moved down her closed eyes to her temples, almost reverent with worship, to her mouth for a final touch, a feather-light sweep across her swollen lips.

Spike slid over to lay next to her, his head nestled lazily in the comforting valley of her chest, a hand resting on her inner thigh possessively. Her own hand came over, stroking his hair away from his face, soothing and rhythmical, making his eyes slide shut, just one thought circling his mind as he drifted off.

_I'm her slave now._

__


	13. Chapter Thirteen

DISCLAIMERS: So, I'm at the strip-club the other night with all my girlfriends, enjoying some Silver Clouds and hooting at the male dancers, when the next act is announced. "Ladies! Put your hands together for Jumpin' Jivin' Jossssss!" The DJ screams, and sure enough, out comes Mr. Whedon in a black lycra catsuit with the ass-cheeks cut out. I wave a fiver at him and he shimmies over, pulling the top down to reveal his nipple-tassels. I wink and tuck the money in his belt, and he licks his lips in appreciation. "Thankth, mr. monkeybottomth," he lisps shyly. As he turns to go I slap his ass, making it jiggle happily and his tassels whirl. Wow, anything to make ends meet till 'Firefly' starts showing green.

THANKS: Well well, let's all thank bub, she's my new beta. I buckled under the pressure and asked her to help me out, since I sucked so badly in my last chapter. I'm the kind of person who HATES when their/there/they're gets mixed up or its/it's and so forth, and there I was, making the same mistake THREE times! Thanks to Nancy, for pointing it out too. You didn't leave your email, but I want to say thanks! Apparently, me re-reading my stuff 5 times does nothing for catching my own errors, lol.

HOLY SCANDAL BATMAN!: Okay, so Merexe was defeated and the gang was all forced to eat peanut butter marshmallow squares. Afterwards Spike showed up at Buffy's and seduced her but good. I'm sorry, but he would have had me on my back the moment he walked in the room, but hey, who am I to judge? 'Wait,' you say, 'I thought this story was called The Wacky Adventures of Spike and BuffyBOT. What's with the lack of Botty goodness?' I just blink and stare at you blankly, cause I'm a little slow.

******************************

_There's an arm around my waist._

That was the first thing that popped into Buffy's head as she slowly woke up. The second, third, and many more followed rapidly, swirling around her brain like leaves in the wind.

_There's the arm of a vampire around my waist. A vampire named Spike. A vampire named Spike that I has wild, hot sex with. Last night. In my bed._

It suddenly hit her and she half jumped, half fell out of the bed, landing on her floor in all her naked glory, butt hitting with a jar. The thud woke Spike, and he slid through the sheets, blinking sleepily at her.

"Legs not working pet?" He drawled slowly, looking like the proverbial cat that ate the canary. _Oh, he ate the canary all right...stop it! Stop thinking those thoughts!_

"I'm fine." Buffy said calmly, pretending like it was perfectly normal for her to be naked and on the floor with Spike watching her from her bed. Perfectly normal, yes indeedy.

Spike ran a hand through his hair, managing to smooth his errant waves for a whole one second. They bounced back up immediately, making Buffy giggle. "Oh, something's funny is it?" 

Buffy shrugged and wiggled around a bit, frowning. Her legs were trembly and she was sore...in many places. Images of Spike raced again, Spike licking at her feet, Spike worshiping her with his tongue. Spike biting at her breasts, teeth blunt, mouth sucking to raise the blood to the surface, purple blooming like roses over her skin. Spike kissing her calves, eyes hot and soft all at once, Spike falling to his knees before her after the last time, arms wrapped around her thighs, head resting gently on her belly as she stood uncertainly, her hands stroking his hair. '_God Buffy', he'd muttered, lips tickling,' I never want it to stop. Never want to stop feeling like this.' _And she's pulled him up again, falling back on the bed to hold him to her warm body, his arms sliding around her, keeping her close. And then it seemed that wasn't _quite_ the last time after all.

She went to get up, but discovered, to her dismay (and smug delight) that her legs really _weren't_ working all that well, and refused to support her weight as she gave a half-hearted attempt at standing. 

"Need me to come down there then?" He was grinning at her now and she grinned back, opening her thighs slightly. His smile grew wider and he slipped off the side, landing on top of her with a jar. It didn't matter though, because his mouth was on hers, and she was ready, ready, she wanted him in her again and again and again until she couldn't lift her head from exhaustion, until she sighed and stretched in satisfaction, until she wept with relief that he was finally sated.

And she knew that moment would never come.

************************************************

The first thing Willow saw when she opened her eyes was the smiling face of the Buffybot leaning over her.

"Um...good morning." She cautiously pulled the covers over her mouth, worried that last night's late re-programming may not have been totally successful. The Bot pulled back and she relaxed slightly.

"Good morning Willow!" Buffybot's smile grew as she gestured to the huge pile of Taco Bell on the endtable. "I got breakfast for you!" A chimichanga slid off the top and fell to the carpet.

Willow frowned slightly, looking at the stacks of hot, medium and mild sauce packets arranged on the floor, spelling out the words 'Willow's Breakfast'. "Oh, uh, that's a very...interesting breakfast choice. Thanks. So, uh...you don't feel the need to kiss me good morning do you?" She eyed the Bot nervously, fingers tense on the blanket.

"No!" The Bot held out a Super Soft Taco. 

"Okay then!" Willow bounced off the bed and grinned. "I am the master of all robot re-programming! Go me!" The Bot was still holding out the taco and she grabbed at it, thinking _Heck, why not? I can be wild and eat this instead of that healthy banana._

"I'll go wash up, class starts in a half hour." She said to the Bot, picking up her towels and toothbrush. "You stay here, okay? No more roaming the campus till Buffy gets back."

"Yes Willow." Buffybot sat on the bed obediently and Willow smiled, closing the door behind her.

Two minutes later there was a knock. "Ooooh! A visitor!"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Riley." The Bot paused for a moment.

**_Name search:_** Riley 

Riley Finn 

-teacher's assistant 

-member of the Initiative 

-dating 

-big loser 

-giant lummox 

-insult and break up with him

**Recorded information: Please hold...**

The Bot waited while her programming updated, smiling sweetly at Riley as he shifted uncomfortably in front of her, waiting for an invite to talk.

**_PLAY RECORDING:_**

"That girl looks just like me." 

Spike didn't look away from the street as Giles drove off. "Yes pet, she certainly does." 

"Can we go back to your crypt now? I can do the splits you know." 

Spike stood up slowly and looked at Buffybot. "No. We need to go see someone. There's something I need you to do, sweetheart." 

Buffybot smiled, slipping her hand into his. "Yes Spike."

Spike looked at the Bot and smiled nastily. "C'mon pet, we have to get to that prat boyfriend before she does." His face hardened. "I want you to. Break. His. Heart."

The Bot frowned at him. "I can't kill a human, it's against my programming! If I broke his heart, he'd die."

Spike scoffed. "Well, that certainly throws a wrench in my plans for Harris."

The Bot nodded. "Xander likes wrenches, he's a carpenter!"

She got an odd look for that comment. "A carpenter doesn't use a wrench." Spike said offhandedly, already thinking about what he was going to do to Finn.

"It's a tool. Carpenters use tools. I like your_ tool, Spike." She leaned in for a kiss but he was suddenly walking, pulling her along with a slight yank._

"Look, just be as mean as you possibly can to him. Say the most horrid thing you can to make him cry like the big girl he is. Hell, tell him he tastes like ashes to you and you've met another demon ." Spike rambled, eyes narrowed angrily. "Ashes! What the hell did that bitch know anyways? I don't love the Slayer!" He stopped and looked at the Bot closely. She grinned.

"Tell him you love me now. Tell him he's terrible in bed. Do whatever it takes, but I want the two of them over. Got it, honey?"

**STOP RECORDING**

Buffybot blinked and looked at Riley, still standing awkwardly in the doorway. "Why are you here, Riley Finn?"

He pushed past her and she turned back into the room, watching as he sat on the bed, hands gripped nervously together. ""Buffy, please, I really need to talk to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about the robot, and for not being there for you when you needed me. The Initiative heard about Warren-"

"Warren's gone." The Bot said, looking stern. "I don't have to go back into the basement!"

Riley nodded at her. "No, you never have to deal with the horrors you went through down there, not ever again. My god but you must have been terrified! I was wrong not to be there with you, to protect you, and well, I was wrong about pretty much everything about what happened. I was wrong not to recognize the glaringly _obvious_ differences between you and the robot. I know who you are."

"I'm Buffy!" Buffybot said confidently, making Riley nod some more.

"Yes! I know who you are, and I know I'd never mix the two of you up ever again! I mean, as if I could ever look into your beautiful eyes and not know it was you. No one could ever replace you, Buffy."

"You taste like ashes."

Riley paused, confused. "What?"

"You're bad in bed. I hate you Riley Finn! All those times you were making love to me I was thinking of Spike! He's a real man! I love him! I don't love you!" Buffybot smiled and opened the door. "Go now! Don't ever call me again! Oh, and have a great day!"

Riley slowly stood up and walked to the door, giving her a pleading look as he went by her. "Buffy..."

"You're penis is very small. I have been informed that a man should be at least eight inches long to satisfy the Slayer, and I have also been informed that yours must be around four inches, and very needle-like. I feel sorry for you! Bye now!" She waved happily and shut the door in his face. Turning, she noticed a closet, and opened it. "Oooh! Pretty clothes!"

*****************************************

"I'm back!" Willow breezed through the door, "And look who I found!"

Buffybot put down the skirt she was looking at and smiled. "Hello other Buffy!"

Buffy sighed. "Stop calling me that. _I'm _Buffy, you're...I dunno, _Slayerbot_ or whatever." She noticed the clothes Buffybot was wearing and groaned. "Don't tell me you're borrowing my stuff now too! Willow!" She crossed her arms and glared at the still-smiling Bot. "She's like the little sister I never wanted."

Willow hurried over and took the hangers from Buffybot, handing them over to a pouty Buffy. "Um, we'll get you your own clothes, okay?" She said to the Bot, who nodded pleasantly. 

"Whatever." Buffy hung the clothes back up and yawned, too tired to even cover her mouth. Willow noticed. 

"Didn't get enough sleep last night, Buffy?" She asked, concerned.

Buffy started guiltily, and looked at Willow like a deer caught in the headlights.

_Spike was thrusting in her, the bed rocking violently. She was glad her mom had left for work already, the headboard was banging, pictures rattling on the walls. She grabbed at the bars and Spike put his hands over hers, his hard stomach against her back, lips sucking on the back of her neck. God, she was on fire._

"Buffy?" Willow asked again. Buffy blinked at her.

"Oh...uh, yeah, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night after all. I uh, was all wound up so I went patrolling."

Willow nodded in understanding. "Yeah, patrolling always helps you sleep."

_Her legs were up by his ears now, and he grabbed at her ankles, grip firm, and used his purchase to full advantage, thrusts sharp and deep now, breath coming faster, eyes burning in hers. She gasped and he ran his hands down her thighs, bending her even more to him, feet brushing against the still-shuddering headboard._

Buffy blushed. "Mmm hmmm."

Willow bustled around the room, picking up the Taco Bell leftovers and placing them in her mini-fridge till it was practically bulging. "Well, anyways, later today I have to go talk to Spike, figure out what we should do with the Slayerbot." She gave a final shove and the little door closed. "There! Want to come along?"

_"I'm coming Slayer." Spike moaned in her ear, making her tingle. Her skin was alive with sensation, and his words inflamed her. "Yeah, that's right, come with me baby. I wanna hear you scream." He shook, arms trembling as he came hard, and she was swept along with him, his name torn from her lips over and over again._

Buffy tried to look nonchalant. "Maybe. We'll see if I have time. There's a few people I need to talk to as well. I bumped into my Psyche prof in the hall and he wants me to come talk to him this afternoon. Plus, I need a nap, and I have to get to class. Plus, I need to sort a few things out with Riley." She laid down on her bed, feeling rather drained.

The Bot gave her a blinding smile. "I broke Riley's heart!"

There was a shocked moment.

"Willow!" Buffy popped back up and turned to her best friend, who was looking rather guilty. "You said you'd re-programmed her!"

Willow clutched her hands together. "I said I'd started, I didn't have time to go over every single one yet! I just wanted her to stop kissing me!"

"And I want her to stop breaking up with my boyfriends!" Buffy flopped down again, one arm flung over her eyes.

"His penis is too small to pleasure a Slayer."

Two sets of eyes swiveled over to the Bot, who was still standing by the closet. She smiled.

Willow looked at Buffy, who was more than a little pink in the cheeks. "Buffy?"

Buffy sat up and looked at the floor. "Well, you know, there was that time...at the frat house...he seemed, uh, you know..." Her eyes closed a moment in abject humiliation, then opened, fixed on the floor. "Bigger." She whispered.

"The frat house." Buffybot nodded. "I stopped the evil there. There was a spell!"

Buffy looked at Willow, who nodded slowly, her own cheeks bright red now. Buffy shrugged. "Oh. Okay then." She sighed. A spell, huh. Well, that explained the incredible leap in Riley's sexual prowess...

"Xander likes wrenches." Buffybot announced loudly, making the two girls stare at her in utter confusion.

************************************

"Mmmm...Slayer, very nice." Spike held out the red lacy teddy and nodded in approval. "You really are a naughty, naughty little superhero, aren't you?" He fingered the silk for a moment and then replaced it, rummaging through the drawer some more, pulling out a large pair of battered cotton panties. "Hmmm, not so sexy, these. Must be for those 'special' days." 

Closing the dresser drawer, he turned towards the night table with a grin, and opened it up. "Well well, what have we here? 'Property of Buffy Summers.'" He held the diary up in triumph.

_Buffy wouldn't like you reading her things. Going through her scanty panties is one thing, reading her innermost private thoughts is another. _Spike paused for a moment, debating, then scoffed loudly. _Please, I'm evil!_

He settled into the bed and opened the book at a random place, frowning slightly as he read. "_Dear Dairy, blah blah blah, I love a poofter, yawn, evil, hell_...and that's just their first date." Spike flipped a few pages with a snort. "Now, where's the good stuff? I know she must have written pages about her burning attraction to a certain handsome vampire with a magnetic personality. Oooh! Now we're getting somewhere..._What is Spike's problem anyways? As if he knows anything about anything. Angel and I are meant to be together..._Gah! More weepy Angel! When does this tripe end?" 

Spike angrily turned some more pages, determined to find his name, and the words 'burning sexual attraction' directly afterwards, but was startled by the sound of the front door closing. Panicking, he shoved the book back into the drawer and shut it with a bang, jumping off the bed just as Buffy's bedroom door opened. 

Joyce poked her head through the doorway and smiled. "Hello Spike. Buffy called me and said you might still be here." 

"I didn't read anything." Spike struck a casual pose.

"Okay." Joyce nodded a little, not having a clue as to what he was talking about. She leaned against the wall, arms crossed. "Heard you ran into some trouble last night."

Spike blinked at her. The Slayer was telling her mum about the two of them? And saying he couldn't perform? Well, he'd end that little misconception right here and now. "Trouble...no, no trouble. I don't know what Buffy told you, but I had _no_ trouble with _anything_ last night-"

Joyce shook her head, confused. "Wait, you didn't run into a team of vamps last night, and then had to hide out here because they were waiting for you at your crypt?"

"Ohhh..._that_." Spike hooked his thumbs in his belt and grinned. "Yeah, Buffy was kind enough to help me out. You know, give a little, get a little." His grin grew wolfish.

"Well, it's nice to see you're working together. I was just about to have some lunch, would you like some?" Joyce motioned towards the hallway and Spike shrugged.

"Do you have any Bugles?" He asked hopefully, following her down the stairs. "I like those, they remind me of giant fangs."

Joyce opened the cupboard and pulled a box out. "Not much left, I think Xander ate most of them last week."

Spike's eyes narrowed as he peered at the remains. "Stupid Harris," he mumbled, picking out a few broken pieces. Chewing, he watched Joyce fix herself a small salad, waving aside her offers to make enough for two. "So, uh, Buffy say anything else about me?" 

"No." Joyce said, chewing.

"Oh." Spike looked at his box.

"Just that you'd probably still be here at lunch, and could I check in on you, make sure you were okay. She seemed concerned."

Spike perked up a bit at that. "She did, did she? Well, fancy that." He reached out and stole a cucumber slice from her salad, getting a rap on the knuckles from her fork for his trouble, smiling at her as he popped it in his mouth. 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

DISCLAIMERS: I had such a nice evening with Joss tonight. He watched TV for a while, and then read for an hour, occasionally running his hand through his lush mane of fiery red hair. Finally he yawned and went to bed. I was quite comfortable in the bushes, and the big picture window he had installed last week really gave me a great view as I peered through my binoculars. Tomorrow night I'll bring a blanket and we can have a picnic. As long as the attack dogs don't come back. I think they got a little sick on the leftover hamburgers I fed them the other night. It was so sweet of Joss to get me a pet! Well, six.

THANK YOU: Sorry about the long updates, you can all spank me if you like. In fact...the next update will be _very_ long, so I think a spanking is _very_ much in order. ALSO, let's all thank Bub and little bit, my two sassy betas. Spank them too, they like it!

AND _THEN_ WHAT HAPPENED? Well, Spike and Buffy had more of the sex. Buffybot brought Willow Taco Bell. Buffybot broke up with Riley. Again. Poor guy. Poor ole melon head. Buffy, Willow and Buffybot talked in the dorm room before class. Buffy was sleepy from getting rocked all night and morning. Mmmm....Spike. Good god that guy is incredible. Willow still has much re-programming to do, since the Bot still thinks Spike is a sex god. Who doesn't, though? Is she wrong? No, my friends. Xander likes wrenches.

*********************

When she thought about her day, Buffy wasn't entirely sure that the Hellmouth was truly located under the library, as Giles had claimed. It had to be under SU. Only great forces of darkness from the very bowels of the earth rising up through the Hellmouth could have pulled off the incredible amount of evil she'd dealt with. Well, the Hellmouth and Spike. Close enough. Between the fallout from the Slayerbot writing one of her tests and dealing with the emotional roller coaster ride that was named Riley Finn these days, Buffy was pretty much worn out. 

_And then there's the sex. Don't forget the sex._ Stupid voice. She was getting more than a little tired of it yammering away at her and sending flashbacks of last night through her mind at the most inopportune moments. Buffy talks to her irate Psyche professor? Cue Flashback Number 14: Spike Naked, Kneeling on Her Bed. And then the stupid voice. It starts whispering about how tingly Spike was when he grabbed her hands and put them over his hardness, sliding their combined palms up and down...her prof wasn't too impressed to find that she'd lost her train of thought in the middle of her explanation for her sudden case of crazy. Hello, academic probation? My name is Buffy Summers. Get used to me, I'm moving in with you. 

_Well, this is going to stop_, Buffy said to herself firmly as she climbed the stairs to her room. _It's so very over. No more Naked Spike-capades. I'll just have to tell him to go back to his crypt and not come here ever again and not to take of his shirt in front of me anymore, and that I'm immune to his wily...wiles. I mean, please, he's not _that_ great, he just caught me at a vulnerable moment. I am of stone now, just like Spike's...NO! Bad Buffy!...unmovable in my resolve. There is no _us_. There will be no more sexy sex-play. He may have succeeded in seducing me once...uh, six times, but that's it. Done._

Buffy opened her bedroom door and froze, taking in the sight. "Holy crap."

Spike smirked at her from the bed. "Home at last, Slayer," he murmured, stretching his arms behind his head, making the sheet around his waist fall even lower than it already was. Really, the only thing holding it in place was his large-

Buffy shook her head, blinking at the sight of a very naked, very aroused Spike laying there like a big, barely-wrapped present. He licked his lips, eyes never leaving hers.

"Into bed now, Buffy," he whispered invitingly, making her mouth go dry. His arm pulled a corner of the sheet away and he patted the bed gently. "I've been waiting for you to come..." He paused suggestively. "...home. All. Day. Long. Had to touch myself, I did. Just thinking about you made me hard."

Buffy kicked the door shut with a bang, making him smile evilly. "What do you think you're doing?" she whispered frantically, trying very hard to not look at the middle of the bed. But it was hard. Very very hard. My god, couldn't she think of another work besides 'hard'? "My Mom could-"

"Mum's gone. Dinner's in the oven. Come to bed."

What was she telling herself before she opened the door to The Wonderful World of Sex? It didn't really matter now. It wasn't important. She'd think about them later. 

Spike quickly sat up as she approached, his hands yanking her on the bed, his body on top of hers before she even had time to think. "I've been waiting for you, Slayer," he whispered again. 

"Spike..." Buffy closed her eyes in bliss as his hand traveled down her stomach, slipping under her skirt. She was supposed to remember something. Something besides the not-having-sex-with-Spike ridiculousness. What was it? His ticking fingers were making it difficult to concentrate. "We're supposed to go to your crypt. Wait for Willow."

"After." His hand slid up her leg and suddenly stopped. "Slayer," he said, smug. "You're wetter than the sea. I can feel it all the way on your thighs."

His palm rubbed a slow circle on her skin, carefully avoiding her soaked panties, making her arch slowly. "It's been a whole five hours since I last came," Buffy whispered, feeling adventurous and naughty. His hand stilled.

"You left the house eight hours ago," Spike said suddenly, lifting his head from her neck and looking at her suspiciously.

Buffy smiled. "Yes. I know."

Spike sat up, stomach knotted. Was she telling him she'd already been with someone else? Finn? His mouth tightened in anger, thinking of the two of them together. She was _his_, dammit, and no Army prat was going to have any of her. He'd see to that. He'd rip his-

"You weren't the only one who had to touch," she whispered, sitting up beside him, lips placing warm kisses down his back. 

"_Buffy_." He groaned at the thought of her, flushed and panting on her dorm bed, fingers buried inside, moving in a blur on her sweet spot. "Oh god."

Feeling a sense of victory at his obvious excitement at her words, she continued. "I thought about you, and how incredible you were..." She pushed him back onto the bed and climbed on top of him, "...how exciting and passionate..." He laid back, eyes glued to her as she peeled off her top. No bra. "...how hard you got at my slightest touch..." He bucked as she ground into him."...and I couldn't help it, I needed to come, I needed it _so...bad..._" She ripped off the flimsy cotton standing in the way of what she wanted and slid onto him. "I need it so bad _now_."

"Buffy," he gasped again, hands like a vice on her hips as she rode him, face hard with lust. "Don't stop."

She tightened her muscles around him and smiled as he arched, eyes squeezed shut, neck clenched in an effort to hold back his own climax. "I won't stop," she purred. 

"Faster," he begged, and she complied, grabbing onto his hair for leverage. 

"More?" she asked, watching his face as he moaned beneath her. 

"Yes, please baby. Oh god, Buffy, do it."

She leaned down to his smooth shoulder and bit fiercely, slamming her clit against him, shaking violently with her orgasm. 

Spike followed, overwhelmed by the smell of his blood and the fluttering of Buffy's hot little sheath, pounding upwards as he shuddered beneath her.

"Oh. Wow." Buffy mumbled, breath hot against his neck. "That was....wow."

"Mmm." Spike slid out from under her, positioning her in his arms. "My naughty little Slayer. So hot and rough." He gave her a soft kiss. "So delicious."

She touched his wound gently, tracing the small outline of her teeth. "You didn't mind?"

"Mind?" Spike looked at her, incredulous. "You can't be serious? You can do anything you want to me, baby, and I'd come crawling back for more."

Buffy stared at him, knowing he was telling the truth, and knowing that it went beyond their newfound sexual adventures. "We'd better get going," she said softly, turning to get her clothes. His hand grabbed her upper arm and spun her back to face him. They stared at each other silently, Spike's face open to her, showing what he hadn't said to her. Yet.

Then his mouth was on hers, fierce and claiming, tongues battling. _I need you_, Spike's kiss said, andBuffy's answered in kind. Both were panting when the kiss finally ended, both unsure.

"I'd better get to the crypt then." Spike stood up, reaching for his pants. "Before the Witch gets there and finds me missing. She might do some mojo to locate me. Probably turn us all into mimes or something."

"Mimes?" Buffy paused, her shirt in her hands, worried for a moment. "Nah."

*************************************************************

"Why do _we_ have to be here?" Anya trudged through the graveyard sulkily. "There's no reason for us to be here. I wanted to watch 'The A Team'!"

Xander squeezed her hand. "I know you did, but I just didn't feel comfortable having Willow come here alone. Buffy said she had something important to do."

"What good could you possibly be, Xander?" Anya asked. "Be sensible. If Spike really wanted to try something his chip would fire, rendering him incapacitated from the electrical shock it administers. Plus, if it didn't, he'd be much too strong for you. No use in all of us getting killed, now is there?"

"Thanks, Anya." Willow frowned at her.

Anya smiled. "See? Willow agrees with me!"

"No I don't!" Willow walked faster, catching up with Buffybot, who was smiling happily and twirling her stake as she strolled along.

"I pity the fool who doesn't agree with me!" Anya yelled after her. Willow sighed.

"This is Spike's house!" Buffybot pointed excitedly. "He has a big bed."

Willow grimaced. "That is so much too much informatio," she mumbled, opening the door and stepping in, eyes down in case that bed was now in plain view. She raised her eyes slowly. "I don't see any be,." she said, trying not to look too disappointed.

"It's downstairs." Buffybot skipped inside and went to the opening in the floor. "See? That's where Spike and I made lo-"

"Spike!" Willow yelled, watching Buffybot nervously, not wanting to hear anything else about sex in the basement of a crypt. "Anyone here?"

Buffybot nodded, pleased. "Yes! It _was_ with Spike. You're clever, and a witch. I also suspect you may be bisexual."

Xander and Anya came inside just in time to hear that last remark. "What's with all the gay references Will?" Xander asked, a grin on his face. "Is there a lucky lady in your life, and if so, can I be the lucky gent to watch?"

"New topic, Xander." Anya looked at her nails.

"Right." Xander shoved his hands in his pockets. "Looks like no one's home."

Anya roamed around, investigating the dim room, nose wrinkled. "He doesn't have very much furniture. Not very sociable of him. I mean, where am I supposed to sit?" She glared at Xander, not impressed with the decor.

"He has a chair," Xander pointed out. "And a TV. It's pathetic, just like him."

Anya perked up. "Yay! Maybe he gets 'The A Team'!" she said excitedly, turning it on and flipping quickly. The sounds of gunfire filled the room.

"I love it when a plan comes together." Xander grinned, coming up beside Anya. She shooed him away impatiently.

"Quiet! I want to hear what kind of vengeance The A Team is going to do tonight."

Willow and Xander looked at each other. "Vengeance?" Xander asked carefully. "Hon, they're soldiers of fortune, not demons."

"No, no." Anya looked up from the screen, eyes shining. "See," she took a deep breath and recited, "_In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire : The A-Team_." 

"If you can find them? They drove the most inconspicuous van in all of L.A., even for the eighties. A ten year old could have found them," Xander pointed out.

"Every week someone comes to them, needing their wrongs to be righted. And every week Hannibal puts on his fighting gloves and they beat up the wrongdoers. Usually by throwing them into empty cardboard boxes and then exploding something." Anya smiled angelically. "That's vengeance."

"No An, that's eighties TV." 

Anya shrugged and turned back to the TV.

Xander looked around suddenly. "Where's the Slayerbot?"

"Here I am!" Buffybot popped her head out from the floor like a happy-jack-in-the-box, making Xander jump back into Willow in surprise.

"Whoa! Spike has a secret room." He moved closer, trying to peer past the Bot's head to see. 

"The Slayerbot told me Spike had a big bed," Willow whispered, still pretending like she wasn't curious to see Spike's bedroom. 

Xander made a face. "That's scary on so many levels." 

"What's going on?" Anya wandered over, the A Team on a commercial break. "Oh! You found Spike's secret lair. How clever."

"Not all that secret." Willow pointed out. "I mean, the hole's right there."

The Bot reached up through the opening and gave Willow's foot a pat. "You're very smart!"

"Let's go down! C'mon Xander." Anya pushed her way past Willow and onto the ladder.

"Hey!" Willow said, looking disgruntled for a whole two seconds, and then following her. "We really shouldn't be doing this."

Anya scoffed, climbing past the Bot, who still hung there, grinning happily. "Don't be ridiculous. It would be inhospitable for Spike-if he was actually here, that is-to not offer us a tour of his home. Whoa!" She ran over to the side of the room. "Spike's got a big bed!" 

"And oooh! Looky the pretty candles," Willow said enviously. "We aren't allowed anything too big at the dorm, for fire safety reasons." She stroked them lovingly, face dreamy. 

"Bloody hell! What are you lot doing in my bedroom?" Spike demanded, startling Willow so much that she dropped the large, intricate candleholders she'd been admiring with a loud clatter. "My candles!"

"Sorry." Willow quickly bent down and picked up the pieces up, shamed at being caught snooping.

"Where did _you_ come from?" Xander demanded.

Spike raised an eyebrow at him. "Pardon me, but I do have other entryways to my place. Ones that _you_ will never know about. Ones that are _private_. Like this room. So I'd advise you all to get the hell-"

The Bot suddenly squealed, making Spike wince. "Spike!" She launched herself from the ladder and into his arms, barreling the two of them to the floor in a jangle of limbs. "I've missed you terribly!"

Spike pushed her back a bit, avoiding her eager kisses. "Easy there."

"Oh my god, this is the most disgusting sight I've ever." Xander scowled.

"Well then, you've never looked in a mirror, have you Harris?" Spike twisted, managing to escape the Bot's loving caresses and stood up, brushing his duster off carefully. 

"Look who's talking, Mr. No Reflec-" Xander suddenly paused, squinting at Spike carefully.

"What?" Spike asked, still holding the Bot at arm's length. "What's with the stupid-" He paused. "_Stupider_ face?"

Xander pointed an accusing finger in Spike's direction. "What's that on your neck?"

Anya looked up from the bed. "It's a hickey Xander. Looks like Spike's getting some. No doubt because of this incredible bed." She stroked the down coverlet lovingly. "Can we get a four poster bed too?"

"Not now, An-"

Anya perked up. "You could bind my wrists to the headboard with silky scarves!" She held her arms out in example, smiling widely. Xander watched her for a moment, thoughtful, his earlier train of thought forgotten. 

"Oh...would you all kindly get lost?" Spike turned away from the sight, still trying to keep the Bot at bay. "Slayerbot, why don't you go and stand nicely, hmm?" The Bot nodded obediently, moving away to stand at attention near the ladder. 

"I like the ladder!" she said, giving him an ultra-bright smile.

"Oooh! Look, Spike's got those magazines with glossy pictures of naked women!" Anya held a stack of Playboy's up in triumph, making Spike groan. "And look! The middle folds out." She shook the magazine in question, making a pleased noise when the pages flipped open to reveal Miss February in all her glory. "Ta da!"

Willow stared. "Wow, she has pretty breasts." 

"You really ARE bi. I knew it." Anya smiled smugly, making Willow flush beet red. "I bet you'd even have a threesome with me and Xander."

The three in question looked at each other in contemplation for a moment. 

"Nahhh." they all said at once, turning away, with _I can't believe I even considered it _expressions. Except for Xander, whose expression went back to the contemplating.

"You three are the stupidest people I've ever had the misfortune of knowing." Spike rubbed his head in frustration. "Why are you _here_?"

Willow put on her best _Willow Rosenberg, Private Investigator _face and stepped forward. "We were going to go over everything you knew about the Slayerbot, remember, Spike? If that _is_ your real name."

Spike stared at her as if she'd grown a third eye. "Of course that's not my real name, and you bloody well know it." Willow's face fell, making him sigh. "Fine, fine, I'll tell you everything I know, but I warn you, it isn't a lot-"

"Where is everyone?" Buffy's head appeared at the hole in the ceiling. "Hey! You have a secret room!" 

"Buffy! What are you doing here?" Xander frowned as she climbed down past the grinning Buffybot, taking in her disheveled clothing and flushed face. "You seem a little...uh..."

"You look like you just had sex." Anya piped up, still beside the giant bed making Buffy turn towards her. 

"I like sex," Buffybot said loudly. "Sex with-"

"Spike! Why do you have such a big bed?" Buffy breathed, walking over to the bed in question and running an admiring hand over it. "It's just so...big."

Spike smirked. "Thank you, luv."

"Are you sure you don't have a fever or something Buffy, you seem a little flushed and..." 

"I mean, it's massive!" Buffy cut Xander off, eyes wide as she sat down and gave an experimental bounce. "Oooh!"

Spike sauntered over, one hand tucked in his belt. "Well pet, I need the room. To manoeuver," he said meaningfully. The two stared at each other hotly.

"Uh...Buffy? Are you sure you're ok?" Willow came closer and stood next to her, trying not to look too closely at Miss February, who smiled widely from the still-open pages on the bed. 

"Hmmm?" Buffy suddenly snapped back to attention. "Oh! Yeah right. I'm just fine."

Anya nodded at Buffy. "Spike's bed is very sexy, isn't it? Just like Mr T!"

"What?" Buffy blinked, confused. "You think Mr. T's sexy?"

Anya nodded happily. "He sure is."

"Okay." Buffy shrugged, and looked down. "Hey...why are there nudie pictures here? Gross!"

Willow jumped, afraid of being caught looking. "I wasn't staring."

"This one looks like you." Anya shoved Miss April in Buffy's face for her approval, making her gasp as she saw the obvious similarities and the creases in the page.

"I think that's enough with the magazines for today." Spike grabbed the pile up and tossed them in a corner, much to Willow's disappointment. "Let's get on with the interrogation, shall we? Then you lot can get the hell out of my crypt." He paused. "And I buy those only for the interesting and informative articles."

"Fine." Willow crossed her arms, face stern. "What do you know about the Slayerbot?"

Spike groaned. "Is that all you've got? I told you, she was-"

"Did you get that big hickey while having sex on this big bed?" Anya asked, interrupting rudely. "I'm sorry, but I've just noticed you have another one on the other side of your neck."

Spike clapped a hand over the offending mark, face panicked. "It's not a hickey."

"Yes it is. It's clearly a hickey." Anya stepped forward, ready to pry his hand away. Spike back pedaled quickly, bumping into Buffy.

"Who's Spike having sex with?" Xander laughed, finding the whole thing ludicrous. "Dru's not around, and the only other vamp with bad enough taste in men is Harmony..."

"Harmony?" Buffy crossed her arms, jealous. "That bimbo? Please."

"Buffy..." Spike said, but Buffy turned away in a huff. "No, no, c'mon now pet, I'd never..." He rubbed her shoulders, making little soothing noises.

The gang stared. "Uh...Buffy?" Willow said, shocked. "What're you doing?"

Buffy froze, suddenly realizing that all this touchy-touchy with Spike was less than stealthy. They'd find out about the two of them sooner than later with this kind of behavior. She'd better take care of this, slayer-style.

Whirling around, she clocked Spike in the nose, sending him to the ground. "You're disgusting!" she declared for emphasis, arms on her hips. 

"Oh, well, that's more like it." Anya slid over to the pile of Playboys, tucking one into her back pocket for fun and games time later on tonight.

Spike jumped back up, coat swirling. "That's right, Slayer," he whispered invitingly. "Hit me again. You know I like it."

Buffy swung, her right hook snapping his head back sharply. "Don't you ever touch me!" she said loudly, sneaking a glance at her friends. Spike turned to look at her and she leaned in close, pretending like she was grappling with him. "I'm _so_ sorry!" she hissed, tossing him to the ground.

"More, Slayer." Spike laughed evilly, rolling back over. 

"Evil villain!" she declared, giving him a small grin before she turned away. He grabbed her foot as she went past him and she fell with a squeal. "Spike! I'm going to kick your ass _so _hard..." 

He wiped at his nose, smiling at the blood on his hand. "And that's why I love you so much." He stilled, suddenly hearing what he'd just said. "I mean...uh, hate. I hate you. With a seething passion."

"You love Buffy?" Anya asked curiously. 

"What!" Willow gaped.

"Did you just say...oh god, tell me I didn't hear that." Xander held his stomach, face green. 

Buffy's eyes were huge. "What...did...you...say?" she whispered slowly, climbing to her feet.

Spike laid there, still sprawled out before her. This was the last way he'd wanted this to play out. "Nothing." 

"He said he loved you, and then he tried to cover it up-rather poorly I might add-by saying he hated you. It's all quite clear," Anya said, making Xander choke. "Did you get that hickey from Buffy?" She turned to Buffy, who was still staring at Spike. "Is that why he loves you? Because you're good in bed? I bet it's those Slayer muscles. When I was a demon I could squeeze a man's genitalia like an over-ripe-"

"Eww!" Willow took a step away, disgusted.

"No! No no no, that is NOT what just happened." Xander held his hand out and gave Anya a forced smile. "You're confused."

Anya shook her head. "No, I'm not. I bet they want us to leave now, so they can have more sex. When Xander told me he loved me, we had sex all night long. And the bed's right here, and it's so big and sexy..."

"Anya...please, I'm going to be have sex-mares..." Xander begged.

"...only, Buffy didn't say I love you back, so maybe they want to talk it through. I can help, you know," Anya smiled. "I'm very good at relationships now, since I met Xander."

Spike sat up cautiously, eyes wary. "Buffy..."

"I have to go." Buffy ran for the ladder.

"Buffy! Wait." Spike called, scrambling up. She ignored him, climbing up and out, boots making little thumping noises as she raced out of the crypt. "Dammit," he swore, head back in defeat.

"The other Buffy ran away," Buffybot said, looking confused. "When I tell Spike I love him, he doesn't ru-"

"Maybe we should all leave." Willow interrupted warily, looking at Spike's tense face. She came over to the Bot and smiled. "C'mon, you can go patrolling with us."

"Yes! I can patrol!" She suddenly grew serious again. "Evil must die."

Anya sat down on the bed. "Yes, you go patrol, I want to stay and see what happens next." She yelped as Xander yanked her off. "Hey! What are you doing? Xander, I want to stay."

Xander gave Spike a meaningful glare as they went by. "There's no way Buffy's in love with another vampire. And, as much as I like seeing Spike in pain, it's too vomit-worthy for me to hang out and watch the love-sick vampire show." He pulled a protesting Anya over to the ladder, a firm hand on her rump as she climbed up, pushing every time she paused

"But...Xander..." Her voice trailed away, leaving Spike standing there, alone.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

DISCLAIMERS: So, I'm going through the new applications at work the other day, when a familiar name catches my eye. 'Joss Whedon?' I pick up the restaurant application form and read through. '_Former employees: WB, UPN and FOX. Reason for leaving: New show sucked ass._' Well, that's true. Looks like I've just hired myself a new dishwasher!

THANKS: Thanks to little-bit, the hottest beta in town. Thanks for being so patient with the updates. Thanks for reading this! Thanks for being so incredibly dashing and handsome. Oh wait, I was talking to James Marsters there. 

LAST TIME ON BLAH BLAH BLAH: Willow, Buffybot, Anya and Xander snuck into Spike's room. Spike has a big bed. Heh. Willow looked at pictures of naked girls. Buffy showed up and saw the big bed. Spike smirked and made eyes at her. Buffy beat up Spike so her friends wouldn't catch onto their hot-lovin' vibes. Buffybot grinned. Spike blurted out he loved Buffy. See? That's what happens when you beat Spike up. Buffy ran out. Spike was sad. The gang left so he'd have some privacy. Anya likes The A Team.

************************************************

Riley tossed the tiny Nerf basketball at the tiny Nerf net, not feeling his usual sense of elation when it went in with a tiny Nerf swish. It just didn't mean a lot when Buffy was gone. Making a Nerf basket just didn't hold the same amount of pleasure it used to. Especially since it was the one thing he could do better than Buffy. Well, that and the army. He did the army better than she did. 

Massive pounding on his dorm door made the net shake, and he missed his next throw. "Thank god." Riley jumped in relief at the interruption, ready for whatever mission was standing on the other side of that door. Any diversion was welcome right now. Anything to take his mind off-

"Riley." She stood there, hands twisted nervously before her, eyes wide.

"Buffy." My god. She came back. She came back to him.

They stood there, staring at each other awkwardly, until Buffy suddenly panicked and threw her arms around him, her mouth falling blindly towards his, lips parted. He was about to kiss her, so happy that she'd come back, when he noticed the tears on her cheeks. She was crying, and in his experiences with women, that usually meant they didn't really want to make love. Unless they were tears of happiness...he looked closer at the red eyes and runny nose. No, definitely _not_ tears of happiness.

"Wait." He stepped away, pulling her gently but firmly back from him. She looked terrified. "Maybe you should sit down."

She sniffed and shook her head. "I don't want to sit down. I want...I want..." she trailed off, unsure. "Well...something," she muttered.

Riley gently took her hands, concerned. He hadn't seen her so undone and worked up in...well, ever. "What is it, Buffy? Let me help you. Whatever you need, okay? Just tell me."

The words made her break completely and she started crying in earnest now, huddled in a ball on his bed, face screwed into a tight fist of anguish. The sight alarmed him even more, and he grabbed the phone.

"What...what are you doing?" Buffy swiped at her nose, staring at him from her watery eyes.

"I'm phoning Willow," Riley said firmly. 

"No!" Buffy sat up, even more flustered. "You can't!" She wiped at her nose again, loudly. That sleeve was getting rather damp. "Besides, she's not home, she's probably still at Spike's crypt. Stupid Spike. He thinks he's so smart! But you know what? He's not. _And, _he's a big fat liar. A big fat stupid vampire liar. I hate him! Dumb, stupid...Spike..." She frowned and turned away.

Riley put the phone down. Spike. That vampire again. It was always him. "I see."

Buffy shook her head. "See? What do you mean by that? You don't see anything. Just like Spike. He doesn't know what he's talking about! He doesn't _really_ love me. I mean, c'mon, soul-less vampire, Vampire Slayer...it could never work out. It doesn't matter how much _I _ love him, it's doomed from the start. Can't that stupid vampire see that? Cant he just shut up for once in his--"

"Wait...what did you say?" Riley sat down heavily.

"--life. The idiot just talk s and smirks and thinks he's so clever! Oh, he knows it all! Well, forget it, I hate him!" She finished off triumphantly, arms crossed. She noticed the slightly ill look on his face and blinked. "Riley...you okay? You look pretty pale."

Riley sighed and sat down beside her, face sad. "Buffy, isn't it obvious? Ever since we've been dating he's always been a distraction for you. You can't decide what you want, you keep on breaking up with me-"

Buffy raised her hand. "That wasn't me, remember? And the last time, at the dorm? Also not me."

"Yesterday?" Riley shrugged and gave a self-mocking little laugh. "You'd think I'd catch on by now, wouldn't you. It's only happened over and over again. Kinda makes you wonder how many times I mistook her for you. Hey...wait..." He flushed a little and stared at his hands. "I never...uh...you know...with her, right?" Buffy shook her head and he relaxed. "Good. I had the terrible feeling you were going to say that our night at the dorm during the party wasn't you. That was the most incredible night of my life." He smiled shyly.

"The party, right." Buffy smiled back, not having the heart to tell him about the spell. "Anyways, I never broke up with you."

"No. _You_ never did," Riley touched her hair wistfully, giving her a small smile. "Not yet. But it's only a matter of time. You said, back there that..." He winced, remembering. "That you loved Spike."

"I did not!" Buffy sat up straight, furious.

"Yes you did. Right in the middle of your tirade about how stupid he was. You said you loved him." Riley turned away, not wanting Buffy to see his tears. Army Captains did not cry. That was for the young privates on the first day of training.

"Riley."

He turned slowly and stared at Buffy.

"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" Buffy said quietly. Riley nodded. "Why?"

He picked up his Nerf ball and stared at it. She'd never be _his_ as long as Spike was around. She'd never been his from the start. "I'm sorry, Buffy."

"Riley, " She grabbed the Nerf ball away from him and threw it away. It went through the basket. All net. Well. "Riley, please-"

"Buffy, stop." He stood up and waked to the door. "I think you need to leave."

She got off the bed slowly and went to him, eyes wide. "Riley-"

"You don't love me. Goodbye, Buffy," he said softly but firmly, giving her a slight push out. She smiled a little and grabbed his hand, giving it a quick squeeze before she walked out, closing the door behind her. He leaned up against it, eyes shut tightly, fighting back his tears.

"You don't love me," he whispered, wiping quickly at his damp lashes. He could hear Buffy on the other side of the door as she sniffled and started to walk away. Suddenly she stopped, and Riley could hear her mumbling to herself.

"Wait a second..." Her quiet words drifted to him through the wood.

The door suddenly slammed open, sending him flying across the room and into the wall, hard enough to put a Riley-shaped dent in it. Dust and little bits of plaster drifted down to land in his hair.

"Wha-?" He shook his head, groggy. A blurry Buffy stepped into his line of vision, hands placed firmly on her hips. Oh-oh, someone was pissed.

"Who do you think you are?" she demanded, furious. "_You_ can't break up with _me! _I'm the one to break it off! And this is me, officially dumping _you_. Take note." She spun on her heel and stormed out, slamming the door so hard it fell off the hinges and backwards onto Riley's already-throbbing head.

"Ow." 

**********************************

"She doesn't love _me_." Spike drank deeply from the bottle in his fist, not even noticing the burn as it flowed down his throat. "Bloody girl doesn't care. Don't you see? She'll never love me. Never want me the way I want her. It was like magic, and she ran away. Ran back to _him_, I wager. Back to that ruddy-" He broke off, wiping his lips with the back of his hand, eyes moist. 

A hand reached out and patted him on the shoulder. "I love you, Spike!" Buffybot said, concerned. "The other Buffy is very stupid." 

"Don't say that!" Spike sat up straight for a moment, ready to defend his girl. "Oh wait, she left me. You're right, she's a stupid bint." 

"Willow's very smart. Maybe she can help you. She helped me slay faster by giving me this." The Bot pointed her crossbow at him helpfully.

"Bloody hell, point that thing somewhere else!" he yelped, scuttling back against the floor. She immediately dropped the point down and away from his chest.

"Sorry, Spike." 

Spike took another pull at his bottle, finishing off the last few inches of liquid. "Don't worry about it, " he mumbled, seeing the crushed look on her face. No need to make the little robot sad, now was there? He was plenty sad enough for the both of them. The Bot smiled a little again and he patted her foot awkwardly, making her smile grow into a full-fledged beam. 

"Your bottle is empty. Shall we get another or have sex?" She got up and clasped her hands before her in a pleading gesture. "_Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope_."

Spike closed his eyes in pain. "Oh god. Not that again. Not the Star Wars."

Buffybot gave him a hot look. "_I happen to like nice men_." She waited expectantly, not moving until Spike gave a loud sigh of exasperation. 

"Fine." He looked to the side and mumbled, "_I'm nice men_."

Buffybot shook her head. "_No you're not. You're_-" She waited again, this time with a frown. When Spike didn't make a move she poked him on the shoulder.

"You're supposed to kiss me there," she suggested helpfully. 

"Right. Sorry." Spike fiddled with his bottle, embarrassed. "See, the thing is..."

The Bot watched him, blinking.

Spike sighed. "I can't," he said simply, and got up. "Now where'd I put that other bottle of whiskey?"

*************************************

"I can't believe we lost her," Xander said. He looked around the graveyard. "How could we have lost her?"

Willow made a face. "I only looked away for a second, when I thought I saw that Senihcam demon. But it turned out to be a cat." Xander gave her a look. "A very ferocious cat?" she added helpfully, sitting under a tree.

"She's gone," Anya said from her seat on the large tombstone. "I'm sure she's fine. She's a Slayer robot after all and she slayed normally earlier. You two are being very silly over this." She pulled out the magazine from her back pocket and unrolled it with a flick of her wrist. "Really, it's very possible that she went back to Spike's. She still loves him, right Willow?"

Willow looked shamefaced. "I just wanted her to stop kissing me!" she said again, defensive.

"What're we going to do about this? I guess we could go get her." Xander suggested to no one in particular. "Buffy so doesn't need this kind of worry now. I think she's got worry enough to last a lifetime after Spike's little confession." He sat down next to Willow and groaned. "It's only been three hours since Spikey's widdle wuv moment and I'm still feeling the nagging urge to vomit every five minutes. Vomit and puke and hurl and toss my cookies."

Anya flipped a page loudly. "I don't see the big deal."

"The big deal?" Xander goggled at her, mouth open. "Are you serious? Oh, it's a big deal all right. It's the biggest deal of all the deals. It's...it's...it's Let's Make a Deal of the big deals! That's how big a deal it is."

"Fine," Anya said. "Fine, whatever. Your friend finally found happiness and all you can do is rain on her parade." She squinted at the page closely, pondering. "Do you think these breasts are real? Some women have fake breasts you know. One time, I had a scorned woman wish for her ex-boyfriend to grow double D's. That's what you get for cheating on a small breasted girl with a large breasted girl. He was so traumatized by his new breasts that he took a knife and-"

Xander raised his hand at her. "Wait. Rewind there for a second. What do you mean by 'raining on her parade'? No one's raining on anything here, okay? In fact, if anyone's doing any raining on a parade it's Spike. He's the one ruining Buffy's life with the googley-eyed love confessions. I'm looking out for my friend."

"You're just mad because Spike's a demon and you have an unhealthy hatred towards demons. Right, Willow?" Anya looked over to her for backup.

"Um..." Willow said, looking panicked.

"See? Willow agrees with me," Anya said triumphantly, making Willow frown.

"I never-"

"Anya, I'd love it if Buffy found happiness. I didn't complain about Riley. I _do_ complain about Spike. And yes, being a demon or anything close to one is wrong. Demons are for killing, not loving."

Anya gasped and stood up, the Playboy sliding to the ground, forgotten. "You really are dense sometimes Harris," she said tearfully.

"Anya, I didn't mean-" He broke off, watching her as she ran through the headstones, stopping a few feet away, head bowed. "Anya!" He turned to Willow. "What is it about me that keeps driving the girls away?"

Willow patted him on the back. "Probably your wonderful ability of opening your mouth and inserting your foot." She looked at the sad figure not too far away and nodded towards her. "I'm pretty sure she wants you to go and talk to her."

"Thanks." Xander sighed heavily. "I'd better go make up with her before she changes her mind and runs off for real. You know, being a jackass isn't as fun as the glamorous lifestyle makes it seem."

"I can only imagine," Willow said, shoving him towards the now-wailing Anya. "Please go talk to her before she wakes up the dead. Or, more of the dead. I'll wait."

Xander nodded and went over to Anya, who had gone from loud wailing to sending hurt looks and sniffles in his direction. "Okay. You keep your eye out for the Slayerbot. This may take a while."

Willow watched as he walked over to Anya, who had turned her back to Xander's pleas, her arms crossed defiantly. Xander touched her shoulder and she stepped away. Willow groaned and reached down, picking up the Playboy. This might take a while? No kidding. "No way those are real," she scoffed, looking at the spread-eagled Playboy bunny. "No one has round breasts like that."

*******************************

Buffy swung wildly, missing the vampire and smashing a hole through the headstone. Little bits of dust and concrete flew. 

"Ha! Missed me, Slayer!" the vamp gloated, jumping around like a rabid flea. _This_ was what he'd be warned about when he first was sired? Please. The Slayer wasn't so tough. She was obviously over-rated. He lunged at her, teeth bared.

"Oh, shut up," Buffy said, annoyed, and stepped aside, staking him as he flew by her. 

"Die Slayer!" Another vampire screamed, running forward wildly. She rolled her eyes as he tripped and actually _fell_ on her stake, dusting himself. She actually didn't have to move an inch.

"My god, are all the vamps in this town that stupid?" Buffy tucked the stake back into her pants and turned to find the Buffybot in front of her.

"Hi other Buffy!" The Bot smiled and tilted her head, waving the crossbow in her hand like a flag.

"Great. Can my night get any worse?" Buffy looked around. "Where's the rest of the gang?"

"They were in the graveyard, but I went to see Spike."

Buffy whirled, suddenly very interested in what the robot had to say. "Spike? Why?"

"He was sad. I love him." Buffybot nodded as she spoke. "He loves you. He said so. Maybe I should love you too."

Buffy backed up a step. "That's not necessary. What did Spike say?" she added, curious.

Buffybot paused and then suddenly started reciting, "_I love her. I love her and she left me."_

Buffy smiled wistfully.

_"She's a stupid bint."_

She frowned.

_"I'm sorry Slayerbot. You look just like her, but...well, you aren't her. Maybe you should go. Find Willow. I hear she's bi." _The Bot stopped and grinned. "So I came looking for Willow. I used to kiss her, but now I'm programmed not to."

Buffy sat down on the park bench, mind racing. Spike really did love her. She knew that. She'd known the moment they'd kissed.

"Where is he?" she blurted, standing up. 

"At his crypt, looking for more alcohol. Do you know where Willow is? She said she wanted to work on me later."

Buffy made a face. "Ewww! Work on-oh. I get it. Like, in a brainy way, not a lesbian way. Well, that works. Go wait at the dorm, she'll be there eventually." She took a few steps and then turned back. "And don't touch my stuff. Especially my clothes."

"Okay!" Buffybot said, looking as perky as ever.

"And don't talk to anyone I know." Buffy started to go. "And don't have gay sex with Willow!" she shouted over her shoulder.

"Yes Buffy. Bye!" The Bot waved happily as Buffy took off running.

******************************************

She ran, heart pounding, feet a blur on the pavement. _Seriously. I need a car. Or at least a bus pass._ She peered down the street and started waving frantically as a car drove up. "Taxi!" she screamed, jumping up and down. The driver took one look at her panicked face and floored it, speeding past her, stirring up leaves as he went by. "Wait!" she yelled as he drove off. "Wait, come back...stupid taxi. I hope he picks up a demon next. Then who'll be wishing he'd stopped for the Slayer? Huh?"

She stepped onto the sidewalk and was suddenly pelted with something soft. It exploded, drenching her in icy water. "What! Who-" she spluttered, shivering. Two young kids peeked out from behind a cluster of bushes, giggling, and she saw red. "You are _so_ gonna regret-"

They scrambled off, racing to the nearest house and banging on the door. 

"Help! Help!" they screamed, making her stop in her tracks, beatings suddenly put on hold. A burly man opened the door and they pointed at her as she stood there, mouth open. "Help us mister! That crazy lady is trying to hurt us!"

"I never-" Buffy started, but was cut off by the irate neighbor.

"How could you scare little boys like that? You crazy bitch!" 

Buffy gasped. "_They're_ the ones who threw a water-"

"I'm calling the cops!" the man shouted, pulling the boys into the house with him. The smaller kid turned and grinned at her as he was rescued, sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes.

"Little hellions." Buffy muttered, taking off again. "I hope they get eaten."

***

"Anya, I'm an idiot. Please believe me when I say that if anyone can make me rethink my feelings on demons, it's you."

Anya turned to Xander and gave him a sweet smile. "Xander, you always know what to say to make me feel better. Now, let's go home so we can have exciting make-up sex." She gave him a flirty look. "I could wear the thong if you like."

"Oh, Xander like." he answered, grinning.

***

Buffy ran down the streets, ears cocked for the sound of sirens. God she was glad she didn't have any siblings

***

Willow turned the page and started reading. "'_Dear Playboy, I've been a fan of your sexy magazine for years and years. I never thought I'd be able to send a letter to you, but I was wrong. It all started when I was counting the day's profits. I'm a hot, large-chested female who loves sex with my boyfriend. On that particular day I was feeling extra aroused, since the big sale we'd had was quite a success, resulting in numerous cash increases to my business. Little did I know that my boyfriend 'Alex' had a special surprise for me in the training room...'" _ She paused and looked up at the smiling couple approaching her. "Please say this isn't what I think it is."

***

"I-don't-have-time-for-this-right-now!" Buffy panted, punching the demon in the face with each word. It ignored her and kept advancing menacingly. Frustrated, she spun and kicked the demon in the head, sending it flying into the nearest tree with a howl. "Look, I have somewhere I really need to be right now, but I _do_ know a place where there're these really nasty kids..."

The demon jumped up at her and grabbed, lifting her easily.

"Wait!" Buffy squirmed in the grip. "How 'bout a taxi driver-" She was cut off as he tossed her into a tall, thorny rosebush, mashing it to the ground. "Okay, that's it. I'm _so_ not happy right now-" She stood up and a loud tearing was heard. She froze.

"Was that my top?" she asked the demon, worried.

It nodded, making a face. "Yeah," it growled sympathetically. "Sorry 'bout that."

***

"Ohhhh, look!" Buffybot pulled out a long, shimmering skirt and held it up to her hips, smiling at her reflection in the mirror. "Other Buffy has such beautiful clothes!" She pulled it on, humming happily. "I hope Willow gets back soon. Maybe we can do a spell together."

***

Buffy looked down.

"I know you want me pot 'o gold!" The leprechaun pranced around her feet, giggling nastily. "But you'll never get it!"

"I told you already, I don't want your stupid pot of gold okay? I don't even like the chocolates." Buffy tried to go around the little menace, but it attacked her feet, biting viciously at her ankles. 

"OW!" Buffy drew back her foot, kicking it as hard as she could. The leprechaun flew through the air, disappearing into the night. "Okay, that's it. If anything else comes near me I'm killing first and asking questions later."

***

"I'm going home." Willow stood up, handing the Playboy to Xander. 

"What about the Slayerbot?" Anya called after her. Willow waved a hand in her direction and kept going. "Do you think that meant 'don't worry about it, you two go on home I'll handle it?'"

Xander shrugged. "I'm sure the robot will turn up eventually. And even if she is at Spike's, at least it's not Buffy."

***

Buffy threw open the crypt door and stood there for a moment, panting slightly.

"Buffy!" Spike looked up from his bourbon. "You came ba-" He stopped and tilted his head a bit, studying her soggy, torn clothes and general bedraggled appearance.

"We need to talk." Buffy limped over, dragging a long piece of toilet paper on her broken boot heel. "There's something I need to say."

Spike blinked and gave his head a slight shake, trying to focus. "Are you...wet?"

"Spike!" Buffy blushed.

"And your shirt, it's all shredded. What happened, pet?" Spike took another swig from his bottle and stood, swaying slightly. "Some Big Bad get a hold of you?"

Buffy looked down at herself, suddenly noticing what a mess she was. "Um, no."

Spike smirked. "D'ya want one to?" He leered at her, tongue pressed up against his teeth.

"Would you shut up for one freakin minute? Geeze." Buffy took a deep breath. This was going to be difficult. How would she say it? How could she tell him what he meant to her? She'd only just realized it herself. "Spike..." she breathed, looking him in the eye. "I..."

Spike waited, watching her. She didn't move. "What is it luv?" he prompted.

She blinked.

He pursed his lips in silence.

"Um..." she said.

He raised his eyebrows.

"I..." Buffy gave up and turned around, giving him a great view of her ass, since the seat of her pants were completely torn away. Spike goggled.

"What's so funny?" Buffy whirled and looked over her shoulder. "Oh. Of course. Why not?"

"Very nice show there Buffy. Is this what you wanted to tell me? That you wear lacy undies? Already knew that." His smug expression was met with a solid right to the jaw. Spike went down like a ton of bricks, collapsing in an untidy heap on the stone floor, unconscious.

"Stupid vampire! Wake up!" She jumped on top of him and gave him a hard shake. No response. "Great."

Punch. "Spike! Wake up!"

Punch. "Arrgh! I said, wake up!"

Spike blinked. "No fair, baby, to hit me all sexy-like when I'm passed out. I'd rather be awake to enjoy it." He grinned at her stunned expression.

Buffy jumped up and started pacing the room, furious. "Why? Why do I love you when you act like that? Why are all my boyfriends such idiots that don't understand me? Why am I always falling for the wrong guy-"

"You love me?" Spike shook his head.

"There's like, a billion people out there for me to meet, but noooo. I have to fall for vampires and guys who don't know me from a pile of metal. Well...I didn't fall for him all _that_ hard...."

Spike stood up slowly. "You love me?"

"And then there's Angel, who's all broody and moody and secret-keeping guy like he's the King of the Secret Keepers. And he's all, 'Oh, I love you but I have to go to L.A.-"

Spike shouted, "You love me!?"

Buffy paused and looked at him standing there, arms akimbo. "What?"

He sighed. "You said you loved me."

"What?" Buffy said again, and shook her head. "No, I didn't!"  
Spike licked his lips. "Oh, yes you did, baby." He grabbed her and pushed her up against the wall, body tight against hers. "You said you loved me," he whispered against her ear, making her shiver.

"Well," she gasped as he slid down to kneel before her, tongue eager and clever against her skin. "Maybe I do love you just a little..."

***

EPOLOGUE

Buffy lay back, panting, and looked at Spike laying next to her. 

"You've killed me," he muttered, not opening his eyes.

"Already dead," she pointed out primly.

"Mmmm." He rolled over, placing a sweet kiss on her shoulder, hand tracing her skin gently. 

Buffy sighed. "I feel kinda bad about not being on patrol right now."

"And yet all the mind-blowing sex somehow makes up for it all." Spike opened his eyes and caught the look she was giving him. "Oh, come on now pet. You have Willow and the Slayerbot and the rest of the bloody Scoobies out to patrol tonight. It's one night a week, enjoy it." He bit her ear softly. "Here, let me help you."

***

"Put that in your pipe and smoke it!" Buffybot plunged the stake into the vamp's heart and turned to Willow. "He's dust!"

Willow nodded. "Great job, Slayerbot. That's five tonight. I think we're doing a great job."

Buffybot patted Willow's arm, pleased with the compliment. "Thank you! I love to slay evil! Tomorrow night we'll have Buffy and then we'll kill even more baddies."

Willow winced a bit at the reminder of just exactly _where_ Buffy was tonight. "Uh...yeah. Tomorrow we'll have the whole gang patrolling."

"And Spike," Anya reminded helpfully.

Xander stopped walking. "Anya, please. We only get one night a week without him. Let's enjoy it."

They walked in silence for a while.

"Buffy's very lucky," the Bot said suddenly, serious. "She has Spike to love her. I wish I had a Spike to love me."

"One Spike is more than enough," Xander said. "There's no world big enough for two."

They walked on, leaving the cemetery, never noticing the two figures that watched them from the distance, hidden in the trees.

"How little you know, Xander," Warren said, smiling his best evil villain smile. He turned to his companion and gave a small laugh, feeling very pleased with himself. "I'll get my Buffybot yet."

The robot looked back at him and smiled. "Bleedin' right you will," he said, black duster flowing in the wind.

THE END

__

note from the author: I really want to thank my beta little_bit. She makes it fun to fix all my loser mistakes, and she's really sexy. I think she's easy too, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna score with her soon. 

Also, this is the end. Sometimes people ask me to update Spike Lips! so I wanted to be clear on this ending. It's over. Um, so is Spike Lips! Lips of Spike!


End file.
